Comments on: The Certainty of “Just Knowing”

By: Lindsay

Lindsay — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 19:40:44 +0000

I have been asking myself that question since 2/25 when we got “the call” from our adoption agency. As the possible adoption progresses, I try to remind myself that when we started this process so long ago, we wanted to provide a home for a child who needs one. We think we’re going to get that chance. But I keep questioning myself. My husband is much more certain. I over-analyze everything, so he is probably correct.

By: Kim

Kim — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 02:26:21 +0000

Yes I have read both of Kathy’s books and listened to your podcast with her twice. Dawn, thank you for the great suggestion- perhaps we could “throw ourselves on the pile” of potential adoptive parents and see what happens (I understand that our state allows that). We certianly want the very best outcome for our foster daughter, but I am just not sure that we are that family. (Sort of like the story of Lucy in Another Place at the Table where Kathy would have been happy to be her mom but then the PERFECT family was found.) That is what I wish for my beloved child- whether that family is us, or someone else. Perhaps I need to consult with you!

By: Crystal's Mommy

Crystal's Mommy — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 19:10:55 +0000

I could identify with a lot of the statements at the beginning. If only I knew for certain this next cycle would work. We will have to use up all our savings. So if we go for it, we’ll have to wait years before we can save enough money to adopt. On the other hand, if we don’t go for it one more time, will I always wonder if we would have succeeded. Where is that handrail when you really need it??????

By: Dawn

Dawn — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 14:44:05 +0000

Oh Kim. that is such a hard decision and not an uncommon one that foster parents sometime find themselves having to make. Have you read the book, Another Place at the Table by Kathy Harrison (?). We interviewed her on the Creating a Family show in the spring of 2009 and I recommend that you listen to the interview and read the book. She also faced this decision as a foster mother. One thought I had is to see how many families step forward to adopt her and then decide. Don’t know if that’s allowed or if that would be fair to the other families. Good luck with the decision.

By: Kim

Kim — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 01:46:57 +0000

We are struggling with knowing “is this the kid for us?” also. We are bio parents to a 4 year old and foster parents to a 2 year old. We had intended to just foster (we have fostered two other kids prior to this), not adopt, but our foster daughter’s birth family is not meeting their goals and she is very likely to be up for adoption. So the question we are being asked is, do we want to adopt her? On the one hand, we love her very much, she fits well into our family, and her special needs and her age may make her “undesirable” to others from an adoption standpoint. This makes me think we should adopt her. On the other hand, we got into this to foster, not to adopt, and I wonder if we can do more good long term by continuing to be good foster parents (which there aren’t enough of in my state) to multiple kids over the years instead of adopting. Also I wonder if she wouldn’t be better off with a fmaily who truly felt that CERTAINTY about her- that “oh this girl is mine” sense that we don’t completely feel about her, at least not yet. I welcome any thoughts on this tough decision.

By: Laura

Laura — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 17:32:59 +0000

I sent Dawn the question. (Ellie, like you, I consider Dawn to be a trusted guide in this process!)

We are moving forward and compiling everything we need to send our Letter of Intent.

Noel, I agree that referral pictures may not do our children justice. In the first photos I got, her eyes were shut. She was outside in all of them! The albinism will make her eyes sensitive to light, so she was squinting hard and had somewhat of a grimace. When we told our agency we wanted to pursue her, they were able to send us updated photos. Now I have one where she is smiling. And she is beautiful!

Geri, I feel like God set this up. That we would be in the right place in the process to jump in. And that’s what I feel like I’m doing. Taking a leap of faith. I don’t know to what degree the albinism will affect her vision, nor how much developmental delay orphanage life will have caused. We’ll walk that out as we come to it.

I was drawn to adoption before my husband, but he had “veto power.” He decided he was game. It seems fitting that he would be drawn to our daughter first and I came around.

The night we got her file, I thought about what she needs. Vision aids, sunscreen, sure. But she needs a family. We can be her family. So we’re leaping in.

Many thanks to you all.

By: Ellie

Ellie — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 05:06:41 +0000

I identified with the person who asked the question and I really identified with Dawn’s response. I am someone who also wishes for the handrail of certainty, but usually has to go forward without it. That was the case with our fertility treatment. I questioned whether we should keep pouring money into what didn’t seem like it would ever work. Then I questioned whether to use donor eggs. For us, none of these options have been successful and now I wish I had some of the money to use on adopiton. We are saving our money and I am now questioning whether we should do another IVF or adopt. That rope I’m stepping out on seems very thin. Thank you for your show and for your balanced and fair approach to all family building options. You have become our trusted guide through the show, the site, and your blog.

By: Noel

Noel — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 23:57:30 +0000

My “knowing” moments have come and gone, so while I may have them momentarily, I also have moments of thinking “what am I doing?” I recieved a call to tell me about our referral. As they told me his name, tears fell uncontrolably. We had already decided to keep our child’s name as his birth name as he would be 2-ish, at least when we brought him home.

My mother had passed away about 10 years prior to recieving the referral. She had been pregnant twice, with boy and girl names picked out each time. Both times she had girls but both times, the boy name was Christopher, the name of the child whose referral we had just recieved. I just knew it was a sign. And yet when I got home that evening and saw his picture, I wasn’t sure what to think. I didn’t “feel” it. My husband said let’s do it, so we did.

We first visited him in July and it was a complete nightmare – he cried constantly. And he didn’t smile once. In fact, after accepting his referral in Feb., it wasn’t until Nov. that we even saw pictures of him smiling.

He was in the earthquake in Haiti – just 2 miles from the epicenter. He has been home just 1 month. Still not even legally ours. I have had moments wondering why we decided to this. It has been REALLY REALLY hard. But despite the tantrums and sleepless nights, he is such a ham. It is already amazing to look at pictures over the 4 weeks and see how much he has changed. How comfortable he is getting. And I swear this kid is on his way to being a model – smiles and giggles all the time (ok, aside from the tantrums – with the first public tantrum occuring today!), loves the camera and loves his accesories – must have sunglasses at all times, even inside, and kept pointing to his new Converse, showing Papa, all throughout dinner.

I can’t tell you I am 100% certain we have made the right choice sitting here right now. Talk about completely unexpectedly turning our life upside down – especially when we weren’t expecting him for at least another year and everyone is telling us how happy we must be that he is here and is safe – when we weren’t really feeling that way (of course we were happy he was safe but happy, well that was another thing). But I can’t imagine the truama we would cause him if we were to change our mind at this point. And when I find the time (haha – time, what is that) to reflect, he has come soooooooooo far and is adjusting quite well.

I don’t know if or when I will ever decide that I “know” it was the right choice, but I would agree with Dawn, I would go with what you went into this wanting, not the sudden “feeling” you have when seeing a picture. As a side note, not that it is about cute, but my son is soooooooooo much cuter than his referral pic – everyone is in love with him – one parent told me during our parent trip that we had the cutest kid there with her own child sitting on her lap – she had to look around after saying it to be sure none of the other parents heard – and this is pre-smile stage. So, I haven’t found that referral pictures do these children justice, having seen other friends’ child’s referral pics…

Good luck!

By: Geri

Geri — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 19:44:34 +0000

We adopted our first son from Vietnam in 2000. My husband and I both “clicked” with his referral picture the moment we saw it. He was our first child, we both chose adoption as our way of having a family. We opened our referral packet together. There was just such joy and “knowing” when we saw his picture that “this is our son.” It was like we had seen him before and we had been waiting for him.

With our second son, I felt entirely different. My husband said he felt the same feelings when we opened our referral package. (We adopted our second son from Vietnam in 2002.) I saw this little baby boy’s picture and felt nothing. He looked nothing like our first son, and for some reason, I felt he should. I didn’t have that “click.” I went through the motions, pretended I was happy – my husband and son were. When I traveled to Vietnam to see him (this was during the two trip phase before the first shut-down), when the placed him in my arms, THEN it clicked. Oh, THIS is my son. Yes, now I see you. I needed that physical connection with him. Now, I love him to death, and my older one is always accusing me of favoring the younger one – sound familiar?

I wouldn’t put too much in a referral photo. I think that you are referred the child you are meant to have (in our situation, God placed the children He wanted us to have), and once you hold them, the love will come.

By: Michelle Smiles

Michelle Smiles — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 18:11:59 +0000

I will simply throw in my experience in case it eases any fears. We adopted from Guatemala. We loved (the idea of) her from the moment we saw her photo. But there was no strike of lightening that I knew this child was The One the second I saw her face. I simply knew she was beautiful and I started loving her through photos. When I met her, there again was no lightening strike of her being The One. There were a lot of emotions and I cried and loved her a little bit instantly but it wasn’t because I felt she was destined for us. I moved to Guatemala to foster her until the adoption was finished. I felt like a babysitter for weeks. I didn’t feel like I was her mom until we had spent weeks struggling together to make our odd little Guatemalan life work. Now? I can’t imagine her not a part of our lives. She is totally perfect for us and our family. I know in my heart she was meant to be ours. But that knowledge grew inside me over time. It wasn’t a lightening strike.

I found out I was pregnant (surprise!) about 6 months after my daughter and I came home from Guatemala. Again, I loved the idea of the new baby but I spent the entire 9 months in fear that I could never love her as much as I loved my older daughter.

Not saying that the person submitting the question should force things if she is unsure, but I don’t think we should beat ourselves up if we don’t have those moments that some other adoptive parents have.