Comments on: Winning Over Reluctant Family to Your Adoption Plans

By: Emma

Emma — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 09:52:32 +0000

I am still at the very beginning of the adoption process. And as you will see on my blog, my parents had the worst reaction possbible. I found reading this post and the comments very encouraging. Thank you.

By: Lynne

Lynne — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 17:52:27 +0000

We are in the stage of discussiong adoption. I am adopted and have always known. My husband is african american so we crossed the racial barriers a long time ago. We do have one biological children and have not been able to have more. My family has a hard time giving up on ‘my’ dream. I am shocked that they seem so closed minded to me adopting when that is the path they took .

By: Sammie Girl

Sammie Girl — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 23:28:38 +0000

I never realized how lucky we were to have both sets of grandparents be thrilled with our adoption plans. I think they were just glad we were stopping treatment and moving onto a surer thing. They have been doting spoiling grandparents to both our kids and have never cared what race they were. My FIL has bought a bunch of black pride type books for the kids.

By: Dawn

Dawn — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 02:24:02 +0000

Laying the groundwork is all you can do. If it doesn’t work out, you know you’ve done all you can do. I suspect that it will work out. It sounds like you and they are really trying. I wish you the very best of luck.

By: Tammy

Tammy — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 02:04:46 +0000

My grandparents struggle with the idea of me adopting an African American child. When I told my grandparents that I was open to any race, my grandfather’s first response was, “No, not black!”

They know how much I have been through with this process and are trying their best to be as supportive as they can. They watch their comments and I think they really are trying. But sometimes they are so stereotypical, it makes me cringe. My grandmother can say, “I know things are different now but I still feel like I used to”.

I have been trying to lay the groundwork now, before I have my child. I talk about my adoption all the time and about transracial adoption. I make sure to discuss the discrepencies (sp?) that we see in race and adoption. And I make sure to tell them stories of times it did work out – and times that families have not been supportive and how much it hurt the adoptive parents. I don’t have my child yet so I don’t know if this will do any good or not. However, I have made it crystal clear that my child will be my first priority and that if they get inappropriate, I will leave. As I said, time will tell if my strategies work or not.

By: Dawn

Dawn — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 18:35:04 +0000

Gang’s Momma raised a really interesting point. I hear from families that the grandparents often don’t “get” the ideas of forming early attachment.

By: The Gang's Momma

The Gang's Momma — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 14:47:50 +0000

It’s also hard once the adoption is under way, to have conversations about attachment and bonding. The old “it’ll all work itself out” mentality seems to be the common response. You know, “Oh, you are worrying about things that haven’t even happened yet.” Or, “You are fussing too much, just let it be what it is and it’ll be fine.”

For example, there was a lot of questioning looks when I shared our plan before we came home with her, to regress our daughter a bit and not let her “cry it out” at bed time. Even tho we never let our bios cry it out when they were babies, ironically. (don’t get me wrong, there were criticisms for that back then too!)

It’s been an on-going education process for us and for them, and sometimes I’d love to just “let it be” when I’m with them. Rather than feel like I’m constantly educating someone else. NONE of them read any of the information we suggested. It was “our deal” and now they question A LOT of what we do and why we do it.

However, they HAVE all welcomed her with open arms, love on her very well and are so patient with her. But they tend to act as if we are spoiling her and indulging her in certain areas. Babying her past the point of necessity, I guess. Often makes me feel more cautious about choosing to spend long time periods away from home to be with them . . .

By: Ben's Mommy

Ben's Mommy — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 05:53:30 +0000

I have found that it is impossible to win them over when they are racist. I simply cut my father out of my life when he told me he wouldn’t have a n____ child call him grandpaw. Fine by me. My husband’s family has welcomed him with open arms and so have my sisters and rest of my family. The funny thing now is that my father want to become involved in my son’s life. It was hard at first, but I did allow him to come to a family gathering at my house and was so surprised at my father’s response to my son. It still bothers me that he is a racist, but I will have to admit that he seems to think my son is the exception to all his racist beliefs.