Comments on: Not Up to Parenting a Kid with Problems

By: Renee & Todd

Renee & Todd — Sun, 27 Jun 2010 11:53:54 +0000

This is unbelievable. There is still so much prejudice against adopted kids and families that adopt that I could just scream. Bio kids aren’t perfect, there parents just think they are!!!!!

By: Waiting Lisa

Waiting Lisa — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 23:22:04 +0000

Great post. I read it when you first posted it and now I am reading it again for ICLW. Thank you.

By: Brittany & Lexi's Mom

Brittany & Lexi's Mom — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 23:30:54 +0000

I LOVED this. I know the fear so well. I’m past it now and look back and wonder what took me so long, but I still remember it. My kids aren’t perfect, but they are so mine. Thank you for what you do. I LOVE your show.

By: Britt

Britt — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 15:27:05 +0000

Thank you so much for all the great information. Adoption should be considered with the heart and with the head. In our situation I know that we are not emotionally ready for adoption because we are still grieving our losses (one of which is the idea of a biological child) but those are our issues and have nothing to do with a “problem” children. Personally, I believe (and I know that not all have the same belief) that my God is in the business of healing broken hearts (mine included) and that any child (biological or adopted) can be healed.

By: Dawn

Dawn — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 14:49:11 +0000

Dear Worried and Confused, you asked such a great question. I can’t do justice to answering it right now, but I will do my best by using this as a blog topic as soon as I get back from the ESHRE conference next week. So, look for a blog response in mid-July. Thank you again for asking such a thought provoking question.

By: Rach

Rach — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 12:09:52 +0000

I get what you’re trying to do but you will never convince everyone nor change their mindset unfortunately. And while not everyone may agree with what she said, she is entitled to her opinion and there will be many who agree with her.

Here for ICLW
Rach @
#26 http://www.thegalwho.wordpress.com
#27 http://www.themissruby.blogspot.com

By: kimberly

kimberly — Sun, 20 Jun 2010 20:42:17 +0000

I know I was so afraid before we decided to adopt. I was so worried about the problems we would face. My “problems” are now 8 and 10 and are almost perfect. Sure, we have some parenting issues, but less than most of the people I know and less than my sisters who have bio kids. I LOVE your show btw. I suffered from Infertility for 6 years before we adopted and I can’t believe what is the same and what has improved.

By: Worried and Confused

Worried and Confused — Sun, 20 Jun 2010 15:36:19 +0000

Dear Dawn,

Thank you so much for writing this blog and running this website.

I know I’ll probably get reprimanded for making this comment, so I apologize in advance to all adoptive parents, adopted children and birth mothers. My question rises from fear and perhaps ignorance, not hate. Or in other words, all readers, please answer me in ways that will help me put my mind at ease, rather than make me feel ashamed.

I imagine I am similar to the person who sent you the email which has started this posting. I, too, have been struggling with infertility for many years, am considering and trying to learn about adoption, and am afraid of raising “a kid with lots of problems.”

The reason for my confusion is this: In my mind, the myth that adopted children suffer from higher rate of emotional problems makes perfect sense. Some children are given for adoption due to the inability of a birth-families to raise them due to mental health problems, which may have a genetic factor. Children who are given to adoption are often exposed prenatally to drugs, alcohol and nicotine. Children who are given to adoption more often suffer from traumas before and after being separated from their birthparents, including but not limited to long stays in institutions. Higher probability of genetic problems, poor intrauterine care and a history of trauma can predispose children (and adults) to mental health problems, as well as cognitive and developmental ones. I don’t want to believe this, I want to confidently and lovingly adopt a child, but I’m afraid.

A few weeks ago I read your blog – “A snapshot of adoption in the US” (4.6.10) – and followed its link to the National Survey of Adoptive Parents. According to that survey, adopted kids, in comparison to children being raised by their birth-families, are twice more likely to suffer from depression, 2.5 times more likely to suffer from ADD/ADHD, 4 times more likely to suffer from behavioral conduct problems, and 12% of them suffer from attachment disorder. Reading this, I felt like my worst fears have just been confirmed.

So – to which survey should I believe? The optimistic one presented here, or the more pessimistic one presented in April? Can adopted children really be as healthy as biological ones, given all of the above risk factors?

By: Dawn

Dawn — Sun, 20 Jun 2010 12:20:22 +0000

Sandy, thanks for your input. This study is supported by the vast majority of research that I’ve read. However, I hear what you are saying– being adopted can affect the whole of who you are. The research is simply saying that the mental health of adoptees in general is not necessarily adversely affected. That should not be read to negate your pain, which is clearly very very real.

By: Sandy

Sandy — Sat, 19 Jun 2010 19:46:49 +0000

The study in my opinion is flawed and very old. The question of whether or not adoptees are over represented in the mental health during teen age years really is irrelevant if you are wanting to determine if being adopted impacts the whole person.

Study published in 1995 – 15 years ago when we knew better than to say anything negative about adoption due to the stigmas our parents faced and we faced.

Study conducted by mailing out questionaires to families – what child living at home, having loyalty (and adoptees do feel extreme levels of loyalty) to their parents is not going to provide a glowing report?

Study limited to children through the age of 18. This does not give a true snapshot of what the adoptee experience is – which is life long. Feelings about being adopted may not come forth in thought and words until adulthood when the adoptee has left the nest and experienced life events.