I do have some pictures of my kids when they jump out of the bath and start running around – my camera is slow to snap the shot so I try to get the tush but by then it’s possible they’ve run full gamut and it’s a frontal shot. When they’re little and it’s meant for your eyes only (or perhaps a future wife/husband) it’s OK with me, but it’s hard when you couldn’t make that choice.

I especially loved your layers of love! Thanks for sharing – I’m going to use that in the future!

I’ve had NO news about the 6 kids I’ve cared for so far, and I’m actually OK with this… because I’m a little afraid of hearing bad news about them, and I’d rather not hear bad news b/c I can’t do anything about it. But I would be thrilled to hear that they are doing well, or to see what they look like now. I’ve had direct contact with my foster kids’ birth families, and in each case, they have had my contact information and I’ve encouraged the families, and I’ve asked the social workers to tell the families, to feel free to contact me if they want to. I think it’s their prerogative to contact me if they want to or not. At the same time, I’m aware that I have a little piece of their history that their birth family can’t share with them, and I’m sad that this is a loss for them.

Interestingly, I feel like my daughter’s birth mother has given us this same space. I don’t have the sense that she “claims” my daughter, and as a result, I’ve never felt uncomfortable with contact with her. I know this is not the case for all adoptive families. (At the same time, I know that fostering is VERY different from being a birth parent. I don’t mean to minimize the loss to birth parents by comparing their situation to that of foster parents. Also, perhaps it’s okay for parents to say whether former foster parents have any contact with or knowledge of their former foster children – per Ron’s suggestion above – but I personally do not feel it is the adoptive parent’s right to make this choice regarding a child’s birth parents. I think it’s my responsibility to keep this relationship open so that my daughter can make her own choices about the degree to which to continue the relationship when she gets older.)

I do know that not all relationships with birth parents (or even with foster parents) are healthy or safe. But in general, I guess what I’m trying to suggest is that I wish adoptive parents would not feel threatened by foster parents or by birth parents. What they have to offer our kids is potentially incredibly important. And sometimes missed opportunities can become losses forever.

I’ve been lurking a little bit and enjoying your blogs, and this one really jumped out at me as an adoptive father in an open adoption.

My first thought on the nude photos is in agreement with you. I haven’t seen the pics, but it’s possible that the pictures were taken because it was a cute moment they wanted to capture, like when a child jumps out of the bathtub and runs around naked. If they’re strictly shots of genitals, that probably is a problem (unless there was a clinical reason for taking them).

My second thought is to say that the couple who wrote this email to you has every right not to contact the foster family, and I respect their right in that. However, speaking from an open adoption perspective, we love it when the people who loved our daughter before us continue to express an interest in her life, when they come to visit, when we visit them, and so on. I just believe deeply that it’s going to contribute to her sense of self and help her make sense of her life. I think there’s probably some insecurity by this family, which I understand, but I’d encourage them to talk to more people who have been in open adoption situations or people who have kept contact with foster families. These can be incredibly rewarding relationships for everybody involved. And it’ll help them to gain insight and share a piece of their child’s life before they brought him home.

I really don’t believe the foster family has any ill intentions, and I’d encourage the folks who wrote you to consider opening up their hearts a little on this one. Again, they’re well within their rights not to, but I think they’re missing a great opportunity for their child and their family.

Thanks for the opportunity to comment on this.