Comments on: Wearing Adoption on Your Sleeve

By: Dawn

Dawn — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 15:15:11 +0000

So well said. And let’s face it, before we got involved with adoption, we didn’t know all the politically correct terms either. I love the part about the shipping and handling!

By: Aus

Aus — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 13:30:32 +0000

Good morning Dawn – The Gang’s Momma referred me re: the family picutre post – and you are now on my ‘regular read’ list! This post is a great one as well. If I might share a quick story…
As a proud papa after our 1st international adoption (4 child overall at the time) I was holding our Korean daughter while my bride was shopping somewhere for kids stuff, a new mom (pretty obvious) was there as well and we were chatting. She asked a number of really good questions about adoption, then asked for permission to ask a ‘personal question’. Permission granted by me – she simply asked “Did your daughter cost a lot?”
Had we not had a pleasant few minutes of conversation I probably would have been ticked at that – but I laughed and answered “Our daughter was free, but the shipping and handling was a b#%$h!” She rephrased after a laugh and I was happy to talk about the finances of adoption as well (a real consideration for folks too!)
My point – she was really curious and lets face it – most of us who have grown our families through adoption are advocates for adoption. If we get overly upset we run the risk of alienating not only who we are speaking to but many of their families and friends (Those kind of folks are just snobby and rude?) Take a breath – ask folks if that’s really what they meant to ask / say – and then respond from there….most folks really are just unthinking or so worried about ‘appearing’ to be racist / prejudice that the speak poorly … but then again….maybe I’m a ‘forgiving type’!

By: The Gang's Momma

The Gang's Momma — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 02:12:57 +0000

Great post. And really, really great points by all the commenters so far. We’ve not yet encountered any uncomfortable questioners so far but your responses and suggestions are good food for thought. Especially about training oneself NOW on how to respond EVERY time. I’ve gotta work on that. Lest my snarky sarcastic side come out in a moment of unprepared weakness. I let it (my snarky side) out far too often in other areas of my life. It’s good to have some tools like these suggestions for controlling it and preparing it in this area

By: Jamie

Jamie — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 20:10:35 +0000

Dawn, I’m so glad that you made the point that we are teaching our children how to respond with every answer we give. There are times when I get the “she looks just like she could be yours!” comments (always from well-meaning people) and I want to say something snarky, but I try (sometimes successfully) to remember that I am teaching my daughter how to respond to these comments in love instead of cloaking everything in anger and suspicion. Sure, there will be times where some less-gentle education will be in order, but I want to teach her to assume that people are genuinely interested in her early life and want to learn more about adoption. I want to give her gentle answers to use as tools before she uses sharp answers as weapons.

By: rosie

rosie — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 06:41:58 +0000

I really enjoyed your website! Your blog is wonderful reading. Have you heard of Danny the Dragon? One of my favorites, and worth a visit as it is the nominee for Best Children’s Picture Book of 2009!

By: Ann-Marie Kennedy

Ann-Marie Kennedy — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 03:03:00 +0000

I have had folks say that my daughter is "doing well, under the circumstances," and it is about the assumption that because she is African American and adopted that she was exposed to drugs and was either abused or neglected. My daughters circumstances could not be further from the truth! And no one is served well by having these stereotypes not challenged.

By: Helen

Helen — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 00:58:03 +0000

I truly enjoy your blog and it is so nice to read this posting today. I do feel that some adopted parents are overly critical of the non-adoptive parents. I know it hurts soemtimes to have these questions asked or hear inappropriate comments…I always try to look at it as they do not know better and mean well. Non-defensive attitude is really important no matter the age of the child as all children pick up on things and we need to start young being in the habit of responding maturely.

By: Dawn

Dawn — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 20:04:57 +0000

Cathy, excellent point. I always say that your response is primarily for your child and only secondarily for the questioner. As you say, it is a fine line to walk. But modeling offense or prickliness is not what I want to do.

By: Cathy

Cathy — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 19:56:25 +0000

Dawn, one thing you did not mention in your post, and which may make a difference in how a parent responds, is the age of the child who is hearing such remarks. When your child is a baby or toddler and not understanding what is being said or implied about them, then you can decide for yourself how worthwhile it is to take offense vs. responding (or ignoring) as if it’s no big deal. I agree that it’s probably healthiest to err on the side of assuming that people are not intentionally being insensitive.

However, when your child is old enough to make connections and understand the person’s comments, and yours, then I think this impacts, or should impact, the parent’s response. On the one hand, you want to model for your child a positive, non-defensive attitude, and not approach every situation looking for racism or prejudice or ignorance. We don’t want our children to be more vulnerable than necessary to having their feelings hurt. On the other hand, you don’t want to be dismissive or minimizing of how the person’s comments or questions are perceived by your child. I think it’s quite a challenge to walk that line, preparing kids to let some things roll off their backs, while not making light of comments or questions that realy do feel hurtful or embarrassing to your child. As the child is old enough to talk about these issues, this can become a topic for open conversation after the incident, a time to “check in” with your child and see how they interpreted and felt about the comment or question that was made.

By: Dawn

Dawn — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 17:10:49 +0000

You raise a good point: Another reason we need to give others the benefit of the doubt is that we need them to do the same for us sometimes. Great example!