Comments on: What’s in a Name? Birth Mother? First Mother? Real Mother?

By: vela

vela — Sun, 28 Nov 2010 19:30:17 +0000

TIFFANI- um… I would sever all contact with them and change my number. Move if I had to. That is not a healthy relationship and I can’t see how that is doing your child any good. YOUR child. A relationship with them would be for his benefit, not theirs, and it sounds like you saved a boy who needed to be away from those people. Keep him away. You owe them nothing but your gratitude for having not aborted him. Don’t feel guilty.
Marilynn- Sounds like maybe you have had a bad experience with adoption, but the situations you describe are not universal. Not all people involved in adoption feel that way at all. Sometimes parents and kids don’t get along or don’t feel close. That is true of biological families as well as families started through adoption. Adoption isn’t magic. I wasn’t adopted and I don’t like my parents. I don’t think they like me much either
I am a birth mom. Open adoption and I’ve always had a great relationship with my girls parents. Everyone calls me by my first name. Sometimes the girls have referred to me as “my birth mum” to other people. They have always been loving and respectful to me and I have always tried to be so with them. I ALWAYS correct someone if they call me their “real” mother, or “natural” mother. The woman who raised them is their real mother, not a fake or stand in. And for me to be the natural mother would make adoption relationships un-natural.
Their parents are their parents, Mom and Dad. That’s what I call them too.
They can all call me whatever they’re comfortable with. I just feel blessed to have them in my life. My girls and their Mom and Dad.

By: Tiffani

Tiffani — Tue, 14 Sep 2010 18:00:35 +0000

It seems that in open adoption, the feelings and needs of the “birth” or “first” parents take priority over the feelings and needs of the adoptive parents and, sometimes, even the children. Adoption does create a complicated relationship between the triad of the parents who created the child, the child, and the parents who adopted and are raising the child. We are right now really struggling with our son’s birth (or first or biological or whatever you want to call them) parents over who we are to our son. They have told us that they do not consider my husband and me our son’s parents, only as his legal caregivers. They are his “mommy” and “daddy”. They want him to call them “mommy” and “daddy” and to call us by our first names. What is frustrating is that we know from their family that, in the 9 months that they had custody of our son (yes, OUR son- we are not his godparents or other affectionate people), that they had little to do with him. They shuttled him from friend to family. Our son’s birth mother even showed neglect and abuse. Now, post placement, to talk with her, you would think she was the most doting mother on the planet. They try to interact with us as if their son was staying with friends while they are on a long term vacation and will be coming to get him some time soon. What complicates the situation is that they both are truly delusional from different mental illnesses (the man is hospitalized and the woman lives in a group home). Our son isn’t 2 years old yet and we wonder at how all this will unfold for him as he is getting old enough to interact with them and to understand. Anyways, we are our son’s parents, no matter who they are, and we deserve the same level of respect that they receive.

By: Dawn

Dawn — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 12:09:01 +0000

Marilyn, suffice it to say, I disagree with you vehemently.

By: marilynn huff

marilynn huff — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 04:13:38 +0000

It really would be best if people that adopt just called themselves godparents or had the children call them by some other affectionate name. Raising someone elses child does not make you that child’s mother or father, even if you have adoption paperwork to prove it. The desire to be called mother and father and parent really screws with kids heads, they would probably come to think of you as “like a mother” anyway. Its just that behind the adoptive parties backs the kids and everyone else still think of and refer to the people that the child is related to as the child’s real family. You really can’t get around it = a family created by contract is not as forever as a family of people related to each other (Even if the related people don’t love each other as much or do as good a job as the unrelated people.

By: Dawn

Dawn — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 13:13:23 +0000

Willow, I think a lot of families call the first mom by her first name when addressing her and use the phrase birth mom or first mom when explaining her relationship to others. Congrats on your new baby.

By: Willow

Willow — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 21:16:45 +0000

As an adoptive mom in a very open adoption, I think about these issues a lot. We use the term “birthmom” because that’s what our agency uses, and used “prospective birthmother,” also because that was their terminology, before our son was born. Our son is only 8 months but he will always know his birthfamily and the love they have for them and that we share with them, which he sees already through frequent visits, emails, and exchanging of pictures. I do feel weird about the term “first mom,” but our son’s birthmom just wants him to call her by her first name, so that is what will work for us. I do think names are very important and it’s vital to speak of a child’s birthfamily with caring and respect, since even in a closed adoption, they will always be a part of who that child is.

By: Vicky

Vicky — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 02:48:12 +0000

Thank you for this post. I loved every word.

By: Taz

Taz — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 23:08:22 +0000

Hi – Just discovered your blog, and love it! I refer to my children’s birthparents as their Thai (for my son) and Vietnamese (for my daughter) parents. My son has autism so his understanding is limited and i try to keep it all as simple as possible.

By: Vinnie

Vinnie — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 15:39:11 +0000

So true, every word of it. Thank you for your show and your blogs. We follow each one and learn from each one. I actually look forward to your newsletter, which is saying something.

By: Heather

Heather — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 07:16:43 +0000

Dawn,
As a woman who lost her dad at the age of 4 years old (death), I referred to him as my birth dad for a number of years at an attempt to have my mom’s boyfriend accept my sister and I as his children. After my 20′s when it was clear after 20 some years we were still “her” children I started calling my biological father my dad and my mother’s husband my stepdad. I am an adoptive mother (as well as having a biologicial child) and switch intentially between referring to my adoptive child’s birth mom as her Ethiopia mommy and her birth mommy, but I always attach a first name to try to make it personal. She is both and we love her so dearly.
~ Heather