I read an essay by Lisa Belkin in the NYT last week that got me thinking. The impetus for the essay, titled Too Many Ways to Have a Baby?, was the announcement by Sarah Jessica Parker and Mathew Broderick that they were expecting twins via surrogacy this summer. The essay itself was the fairly standard “Gosh darn, they can do just about anything with technology and where is it going to end” type article. It seemed a bit dated to me since surrogacy is hardly state of the art or shocking in 2009. And although it’s always a bit frustrating when something like surrogacy or donor eggs is lumped together with the Texas mother wanting to harvest her dead son’s sperm to create her own grandchildren or with Octomom, I suppose inclusion of these examples is fair since the purpose of the essay was to show where unrestricted technology can lead. But the part of the essay that I found interesting, in a disturbing sort of way, were the comments from readers.
There were a fair number of compassionate comments such as:
- As someone who was fortunate enough to have the kids she wanted, I feel I am not in a position to judge the ones who have to resort to the new scientific methods. … I think as long as things are done in a legal manner, we should try to hold judgment! Yay for science!! ~ Anothermom
- The desire to have children just like the desire to stay alive is a very strong biological and emotional drive. Just as we as a society continually strive for better healthcare and medical technology for one, so we will strive for the other. It is not so surprising. ~anne marie
But there were also quite a few comments like the following:
- To me the answer is quite simple. If you can’t have children the natural way, adopt. There are SOOOO many children already out there, just wanting to be loved. ~yip
- Why fight biology so hard? There are so many adults who want to be parents, there are so many children who want to be loved. It amazes me that more people don’t jump into adoption immediately like we did. ~Sarah
- Adopt. If you can’t love a child who isn’t perfect, or who isn’t a DNA carbon copy of you, maybe you shouldn’t be a parent. ~ACW
- While I cannot begin to understand how wrenching it must be for women who want to have babies but can’t, I’m also puzzled by why they go to such lengths to conceive when they could adopt. There are thousands upon thousands of babies in this country — and many others — waiting for a loving home. So why all the obsession with being pregnant and having your own baby? ~question
- What natalist myopia. I want to throw up. Maybe Marilyn Quayle was right. Maybe women really don’t want to liberated from their essential natures. ~ AAARGH
Oh my, where to begin? Indeed, why not just adopt? Well, first of all, while it may be true that there are “thousands upon thousands of children in this country — and many others — waiting for a loving home,” not all of them are available for adoption, and few of them are babies. If only adoption were so simple as merely deciding and picking. Most people who want to adopt will be able to, but it is far from easy or quick.
But more important than the general misunderstanding of the realities of adoption, these comments reflect a basic misunderstanding of infertility— and adoption. Adoption is not a cure for infertility. An adopted child is not a generic replacement for the longed for biological child.
Adoption is a “cure” for childlessness, and for some that’s an easy and logical next step. But for others it is not. They yearn to see their genes in the next generation; they crave being pregnant and breastfeeding; they want some degree of control over their child’s intrauterine environment and genetic makeup. For them, parenthood is more than simply parenting. They want to procreate. Is it really that hard to understand that they simply want what comes so easy for most of us?
As someone who chose adoption even though we were not infertile, I can more than attest to the fact that adoption is a great—no, really a phenomenal—way to create a family, but it is not for everyone. I don’t want it to be. That’s not fair to the infertile, and it is certainly not fair to the prospective adopted child.
For more information on the emotional realities of infertility, check out the following Creating a Family radio shows:
April 2: Coping with Infertility
May 6: The Big Decisions in Infertility: How far to go, how many to transfer, and when to stop
Oct 7: Living a Child Free Life
Related posts:
- Why Not Just Adopt I’m not sure what surprises me more—insensitivity towards the infertile...
- Having Your Cake and Eating it Too? Continuing in Infertility Treatment While Applying to Adopt Sitting as I do with one foot in the infertility...
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Of all the well-meaning comments my wife and I have heard from people who have heard about our infertility, the “why don’t you just adopt?” one probably hurts the most. It really does assume that having a kid regardless is just a widget and that will fill the void in your heart. We certainly don’t have a problem with beginning the adoption process, but it is quite an arduous, stressful, and sometimes painful journey that may or may not result in a baby of our own. That’s what makes people like us so hesitant to even try. I’m glad they don’t make it too easy for people to adopt to weed out the psychos, but there’s gotta be a better way for good people like us to have an “in” to bypass this horrendous system that currently exists.
Don’t forget that the very reason someone’s infertile may be all it takes to be rejected by adoption agencies. I was fertile until I was hit by a car, and the resulting damage included my tubes being crushed. An ex and I tried adoption, and we were turned down because agency after agency felt I was too great of a risk because what if I got sick again from the damage I suffered when I was hit by that car? To think, we wanted to adopt a black sibling pair, ages 8 and 9. Black kids, siblings, and older children have the hardest times finding homes, and these two had the trifecta of what not to be, and there we were, wanting to love them and with the financial means to do so. But no, in foster care they stayed because I was hit by a car. My ex didn’t want IVF, but did want another child (had one with his ex), so he broke up with me.
The financial cost of adoption far surpasses other fertility methods. It’s a privilege to have the money to spend on what’s really a risk, what with the false starts, biological parents changing their minds in that six-month window they have to do so, and none of this money being refundable.
Anyone whose fertile has the inalienable right to have a child, one of the few rights that has never been before the court to debate. Psychos can have babies, and we have to wait for them to harm the baby before there’s intervention, but they can have another. Sane, normal people with many references can be turned down for having had an illness at one point, or cancer. We have no right to be a parent the way fertile psychos do. And the arduous screening process is NOT foolproof. People who go on to abuse the children do get cleared to adopt, a secret in the business of child-selling. Really, adoption is child-selling. Healthy white baby girls are adopted faster than an older black child, so why are the fees for that white baby higher? More demand. It’s child-selling.
If adoption didn’t cost as much as the three IVF cycles we’ve been through, and an agency would clear us despite my past medical condition, and we were safe from losing money if an adoption didn’t go all the way through, you bet we’d adopt and older child who is less likely to find a home. As it is, I’m risking my life with the pregnancy I have now. My life wouldn’t be risked with adoption, but they said no, so I am risking death, literally, to try to have a child to love. Any child would be very lucky in our home, but foster care apparently is better than a mom who was sick nine years ago.
I agree with Jimmy. When you are infertile, people will urge you to adopt and make it sound so easy. I have attended adoption seminars. Adoptions are costly ($40,000-$50,000). There is no guarantee of when you will get a child and if you are adopting these days from another country, the child may have medical and emotional problems. I also have worked in the field of foster care for 21 years now. It is very difficult to adopt a young child. Adoption is not as simple and realistic as everyone makes it sound. By the way, I have been adopted myself-at birth!
Aria, I am truly shocked that if your doctor says that your injuries would not affect your ability to parent and you have a normal life expectancy, you weren’t able to find an agency, especially an agency that places from foster care, that would accept you. That has not been my experience with couples I have worked with, especially if they are wanting to adopt older children from foster care. I’m so sorry that happened to you and I wish you God’s blessing on this pregnancy.
Gail, while adoption isn’t a guarantee, most people who want to are able to adopt, and most adoptions don’t cost $40-50,000. I do agree that adoptions aren’t as simple and cheap as many people assume.
First, I would like to say that I believe families come together in different ways, and there isn't one way that is better than another. As one part of a couple dealing with infertility, I understand the devastation felt when you are told you will not have biological children. There were options for us to have biological children, at least for one of us. We decided that was not how our family was meant to grow. I have absolutely nothing negative to say about couples who do decide to go through invitro, donor sperm, surrogacy, or other scientific ways. That is a personal decision and I support each person/couple for their choice. I do, however, take offense when I am treated as less than a "real" mom because we chose to adopt. I do not feel that adoption is a "cure for childlessness." Adoption is another way families grow. My children are my children. I am their "real mom," even if they did not grow in my womb.
So very true! I wrote a blog about this awhile back titled "Funny, I don’t feel like a Non-Mom ". http://www.creatingafamily.com/blog/?p=19
Dawn, thank you so much for addressing this subject. It is so badly needed, especially since I have clients who must deal with this on a daily basis with their own families. Great piece!
Respect everyone’s choice, feelings and needs, most importantly the pre-conceived offspring
“So You’re Infertile, Why Not Just Adopt” is equal to “So you were conceived from an anonymous donor, why not just be grateful and accept?”
“…a person’s desire for identity and meaningful connection to half (or all) of their genetic roots and ancestry is not a “whim” or mere “curiosity”. This is just as much a natural biologically rooted and emotional/psychological predisposition as a desire for a child. Not all people feel the desire for a genetically related child to fulfill their needs, just as not all people feel the desire to know the identity of their biological father and/or be allowed to have meaningful connections with their genetic roots and ancestry to fill their needs. Each individual will feel differently but one should not trump another.
Some like to argue that these disconnects happen all the time in other unintended ways, but this equally does not justify giving professionals, institutions and the gamete industry the legal power to withhold information from the very people they help to create.
The Hippocratic Oath, “Do no harm”, needs to apply to all interested parties in these complicated family formations. Let’s not forget that this should and must, first and foremost, apply towards the very people (and their children) that they are all intentionally collaborating together to bring into this world – People who might have a deep biologically rooted, emotional and psychological need to know this information for their sense of personal identity, belonging, connection and emotional well being; not only for themselves but for their own children as well.
Who is to say that biology does or doesn’t matter in our personal definition of family and identity? Let’s try to move forward in a way that that respects everyone’s choice while putting emphasis on the yet to be conceived offspring’s anticipated consent.”
See: http://www.proudparenting.com/node/2994
This is going to be combative and sweet because it is just point blank! Adoption costs so much more than money. You are in charge of someone else's child. Though you can give them possibly a better home, a better life, and more love than imaginable and make that child's wildest dreams come true, you have to go through so much more than what you do trying to have your own, yes even with fertility treatments. I am a testament to this because I went through this with a very close family member. You people who argue for adoption do not realize the scrutiny that you are put under being an adopting parent. Adoption is a great thing, but you have to be almost perfect to actually get the child, or just a conniving SOB to be able to get a child. My family member that was in this would have been the best option for a parent at the time, they were married, both of them wanted a child of their own by any means possible (blood line or adoption). They could offer this child everything including love
But that wasn't enough. they had to fight tooth and nail to even get to keep this child as long as they did and then the parents of this child still had a time limit to where they could RECLAIM this child through rehabilitation. HELLO PEOPLE ARE YOU LISTENING TO WHAT I AM SAYING? If this doesn't tell you why most people's first option is not adoption when they find they will have problems on their own, then you just need to keep out of the conversation. You are doing everyone no good by even breathing in the same pathway. Sorry its true and had to be said, nothing is as simple as others try to make it. Until you have been there for every type of situation with this, you need not be so mean.
What a brilliant post. I have tried so hard over the years to explain why the word “just” should never precede the word “adopt” when discussing someone’s reproductive choices (or lack thereof). People who have never looked into it – *seriously* looked into it – have no idea how difficult a process it is, and don’t understand that it truly isn’t a good path for everyone.
My husband & I adopted a beautiful baby girl in November, but before turning to adoption we tried for several years to get pregnant by a variety of assistive means. Our choices had nothing to do with a desire to be pregnant or to pass down our genes – although I don’t think there is anything wrong with those reasons, either. For us it was a simple matter of economics – fertility treatment was the path of least resistance because our insurance covered it, and we didn’t think we could afford to adopt.
It turns out that our reproductive issues were insurmountable and that adopting wasn’t as expensive as we thought (our agency has a sliding scale & the tax credit made it doable for us), and so at the end of the day we did adopt (and I wouldn’t change a thing about the path we took to get here). But there was nothing simple about it.
Dawn,
I was thinking the same thing when I saw the article. Glad I’m not the only one. Now if the media could be more balanced. Infertility seems to be a hot topic around Mother’s day. Let’s hope the media does a better job this year. (Hope springs eternal)
I'm sorry your family member had that experience. Although you didn't say, it sound like they were trying to adopt from foster care. The goal of our foster care system is family reunification, if possible and if in the best interest of the child. Sometimes (often?) determining the possibility or best interest is hard. There are, of course, other forms of adoption where the birth parents relinquish voluntarily their parental rights. But the main thing I wanted to say was that you do not have to be perfect to adopt. If that was a requirement, I wouldn't be an adoptive parent. Adoption is not the best option for everyone, but it is not only an option for the perfect.
Meghann, I loved your line that “just” should never precede the the word “adopt”. I may use that in a blog sometime.
I had been to a couple adoption seminars. There are not many caucasian parents surrendering their rights in my area. The cost of the adoption (about $40,000) and being told that I probably wouldn't be able to get a caucasian child was the reason that I did not proceed with adopting. Adoption isn't that easy. Sometimes it is easier and affordable to adopt from the foster care system. You can foster a child first to see if you bond. Many of the children in the foster care system do become available to adopt.
As an adoptive mom of two older children from a foreign country, I was dismayed when I heard Matthew and Sarah are expecting twins by a surrogate. I very strongly feel adoption should be the next choice if one is infertile. They could have adopted and brought positive attention to it. However, reluctantly, I must say it’s their choice and we live in a free country.
Some adoptions do cost $50,000. However, my adoptions cost around $25K, and I got back $12K of that in my tax credit. Most agencies will give you a price break if you adopt a child with special needs or an “older” [over age 2] child.
I know a lot of couples who adopted babies from Russia and/or Kazakhstan, and in 6 years of doing a tremendous amount of reading and research on the internet, the vast majority of couples who adopt internationally come home with healthy babies and things work out fine. In this country, if you want to adopt domestically and are willing to take a child of any race, you can adopt and get a baby pretty quickly, say within 6 months to a year, most places. International adoptions generally take about a year.
I read somewhere that people can spend $25,000 on one IVF attempt, with only a 5% chance of success. If the same amount was spent on a typical international adoption there would be a 90% chance of success.
I used to feel strongly that I would never be able to love an adopted child as much as a biological child. I now know differently. I love my kids more than my life. I just wish everyone who struggles with infertility and wants a child would give adoption a chance, and then if they still felt strongly about having a biological child, take advantage of the technology.
This is great. It sums up what I feel. I wish I’d written it.
thank you for writing this. as an adopted child, who as an adult is using surrogacy to create my family, i have a very hard time explaining why i am not adopting. there are a million reasons, none of which have to do with wanting to see my genetics go walking in the world. our main reason is that we want to hold an infant, we want to see the ultrasounds, we want to be there at the birth, and we want to be able to go home grateful to our surrogate knowing that she will never feel a claim on our child.
because i am adopted and know first hand all the issues that can surround this start in life, i knew that there was no way that i could deal with an open adoption. it is a limit that makes me sad at times, but i am also so grateful that i know these limits. adoption is a beautiful thing if you can make it work.
ILCW
Why not adopt? Good question and one I’ve asked myself a million times. Dawn, I have spoken with you as a consulting client and you helped beyond belief. I am looking into my infertility and adoption options that you suggested and I’m following the checklist of things to do that you suggested. So far, I leaning towards staying in infertility treatment but as we talked about I may move to embyro adoption. I just didn’t know it was an option for singles. the people who ask this question simply don’t know how complicated it really is.
The line “adoption is not a cure for infertility” hits the nail on the head. My husband and I will be approved for a domestic infant adoption in the next 2 weeks and while for us it was the alternative to therapies like IVF, it certainly does not “cure” the fact that I’m infertile. What’s interesting is that once we started the application process and started telling a few friends I especially felt hit by an attitude like “everything should be fine now and you should be happy”. In fact, I was hit by that attiude on my message board support group who had been with me through the charting, doctors appts, procedures, drugs…yet still they thought that adoption “fixed” it. Even I naively thought that the decision to adopt would make it all better. The lack of education and information regarding infertility, especially the emotional aspects, really is a disservice to society as a whole and especially the infertile couple. I feel lucky that I went through this in the age of the internet because I found so much support from other women going through the same process and issues that haven’t been available in the past. Oh, and a comment on the $40k to $50k adoptions…while that is a possibility, our adoption agency charges about the same as one IVF cycle would have been (about $17k). Much of that we’ll get back in tax credits.
I am pregnant right now after our first IVF cycle. It really bugged me when fertile people would say to me before “why don’t you just adopt”. People who say that have no idea how much harder the adoption process is.
1) Adoption costs at least 25 thousand, IVF costed us less then $1000 (and it was only this high because of the drugs). I am lucky to live in a state that knows infertility is a disease and treatment should be covered.
2) Adoption process takes years. IVF takes 10 months
3) Adoption you don’t know what the baby was exposed to in the womb or early in live, IVf you don’t need to worry about that
4) Adoption isn’t a guarantee, the biological mother has the right to cancel at anytime. No one, except God, can take away my baby from IVF
5) With IVF our baby will be a part of us. My friend’s mom was adopted and was horrible to her adopted parents because they weren’t her biological parents.
6) Many adopted kids want to find their biological parents to learn about their family history and have a sense of who they are.
7)Also the person who said IVF has only a 5% success rate is wrong. We suffered from male factor and I was 30 when we did our cycle. Our doctor gave us a success rate of 50-70%.
It is so true that adoption is not a cure for infertility. My husband and I adopted two children (both as infants – straight from the hospital), but I’ve never gotten over that nagging desire to go through a pregnancy. My kids are 8 and 6 and I love them dearly but I’m still sad over the loss of not carrying a child. For me, that feeling that my body has betrayed me and that I’m not a “real” woman has never really left – even though I’m a mom.
I have emailed this to my entire family or printed out copies and mailed to those members without email. This is the very best response to this stupid statement that I’ve ever read. I’m on your RSS forever.
I have 2 children with my husband. I am glad I have them, and I love them a lot. They are like little “copies” of us, though that isn’t the reason we had children. I have never gone through IVF or adoption, and I mean no disrespect to anyone out there who cannot have their own kids for what I am about to say. Adoption isn’t cheap. I have a friend who has been trying that for a while and I’m like…wow. The cost is ridiculous. IVF (which she has also tried) is risky and can be expensive, but still may or may not yield a baby.
I honestly didn’t want kids until I had them. I just had no real desire to be a parent. But I love my kids, and I’m happy to have them now. They are a blessing because parenthood is not given to all of us. God knows what he’s doing folks. There are some of us out there who are not fertile for a reason. There are some who want children but IVF and adoption just aren’t working. Being childless doesn’t make you less of a human. Being infertile doesn’t mean you don’t have the ability to love and care for another person. While it’s easy for me to say this to others, I don’t say it lightly and without thought. Having children might not be part of everyone’s purpose, but helping to raise them is another story. Be a parent in any way that you can even if the child is not biologically yours. You can spend 100K on a chance or you can be a role model to the children in your communities, churches, etc.
I look upon my children’s faces each day and praise God he deemed me worthy to have them, but I would still have to keep on living if I didn’t have them. And that’s what all of us have to do. Being a parent doesn’t always mean 9 months, breastfeeding, and ultrasounds. I commend those who are trying, and I really commend those who are trying to adopt. But let’s also commend those who can accept their situations and still be good people inspite of what God has given them.
Thank you.
Texasmomma, thank you for your comment and for you desire to be respectful of the feelings of others. I’m glad you felt comfortable sharing your comment because what we need is more dialog. I think you misunderstand the full impact of the disease of infertility. Please read my blog titled “Infertility Is…” posted a few weeks after this blog.
Parenting is completely and totally different from “being a presence” in a child’s life, just as being an aunt is different from being a mother. I love being an aunt, but it is not the same, or even close, to being a mother. being a mentor or big sister figure would also be different.
Yes, ultimately for some, pregnancy or a genetic connection is not an option. For some of these, adoption won’t be an option. Some will chose to accept a childfree life–they may come to embrace all it has to offer, and we should indeed commend them for finding the best path for them. But that is not the best path for everyone. Also, many people who ultimately decide it is the best path for them, first need to try “everything” else first before they can come to that place of graceful acceptance. “Everything” differs for each person.
One way to look at it is like you do: “God made you infertile because he didn’t want you to be a parent. He had other plans for you.” But there is another way to look at it: “God made you infertile because an easy path to parenthood was not the plan for you. Your child is out there but requires more work to get to.” Of course, there is also the thought that God has nothing to do with “giving you” the disease of infertility. I’m not here to get into a theological discussion, only to present that there are different theological interpretations.
Perhaps for you, the acceptance of a childfree life would have been fairly easy since you never really wanted kids. Perhaps not, since age has a way of changing what we think we want. You will never really know since you were blessed with your “two little copies”. But for others, they firmly believe that they are meant to have children, that their life would not be complete without experiencing parenthood. They should also be commended for bravely continuing to seek the best way to achieve that goal. We each have a different path.
Although I am not infertile and I chose to adopt, I completely 100% understand the desire to give birth, to see “copies of yourself”, to parent. I consult with infertile woman or couples or men all the time and I hear their tales and their pain. I am in awe of their perseverance.
And one last point, that I couldn’t resist adding. Adoption does not have to be extraordinarily expensive. There are many options to very inexpensively (or fairly inexpensively) adopt. Check out some of the Creating a Family radio show on the radio page of this website. Also, remember, pregnancy and childbirth are expensive, but our insurance pays for it. Insurance seldom covers infertility treatment and never covers adoption. Something to ponder.
Well said Dawn. My husband and I have a 4 year old little boy that we adopted at birth. We are now currently in the adoption process again. We were told that biologically we could not have children without IVF but chose adoption. We felt that God had a plan for using us in our relationships with our birth family. There are so many ways that our struggles have led to important conversations with others about God and our faith that would not have taken place before we went through the struggles of infertility and adoption.
Texasmomma,
I am a mother to the most beautiful 2 year old boy. I became his mother through adoption. I would like to touch on a couple of things that you said.
“I look upon my children’s faces each day and praise God he deemed me worthy to have them”
I, too, look upon my child’s face and praise God that he deemed me worthy to RAISE him. Though my child did not come from my body it makes him no less a part of me.
“Being a parent doesn’t always mean 9 months, breastfeeding, and ultrasounds”
Couldn’t have said it better myself. Thank you, God for the miracle of adoption.
Texasmomma,
I am a father of a beautiful 19 mos. old son. While I thank you for your comments and I know that they were said with the intent to enlighten us, I found them offensive. I think you may have chosen your words better. “Worthy” for instance should and probably will haunt you. I hardly think that God would find a mother who had not even considered having children like yourself more worthy than one who had dreamed, planned and really took the time to be a parent for years more “worthy”. I am a faithful person, but would never presume that I have more knowledge of God’s plan than anyone else. Maybe it is because I am one of two daddies to an adopted son. My story is God’s plan. It has never felt more “right” and I know that I am definitely worthy of parenting this beautiful son of ours. God’s plan is not to make one suffer as some orphans do. But to spread love and kindness to those that need love. No one is more worthy than another – I must correct you. I agree that God has a plan – but not an agenda. The gift of parenting is everyone’s plan as long as they commit to the child. Thanks for your comments and listening to mine.
Scott, what a powerful statement: God has a plan – but not an agenda. That could apply to so many discussions, couldn’t it? I’m going to remember that one.
I thought I would share this poem, for those of us suffering from Infertility and for those of you Suffering from the inability to understand or empathize with those of us struggling with this disease.
Thoughts on Becoming a Mother
Author Unknown
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.
Thanks so much for posting this. I hate the use of the word “just” before “adopt”, as if there was a baby store right around the corner, as if you could pick up the phone and order or go onto a website and select “that one”. Not only does it severely downplay the emotional process of choosing not to continue with infertility treatments (for those of us who deal with that), but it demeans the families and children in the system. It makes the children seem more like a commodity, and the families going through it seem more like thoughtful and educated consumers. If we’re choosing to open our lives and hearts to a child, whether it be through adoption or biologically, there’s nothing simple about it. “Just” just doesn’t belong.
Thank you again.
Wow. I am a 16 year old and I can truly say that reading this has completely enlightened me. From what I’ve heard, I’ve always thought of adoption as sort of charity- to take in an unknown child and care for it like your own seems like a very commendable deed. I had never thought of it being beneficial to parents or something parents want to do, the case being that the parent is not infertile. The issue of being infertile is a whole other thing that I’m guessing I won’t even be able to understand. I don’t even really know where I’m going with this but I guess I just wanted to commend those who do or are willing to adopt children who are in actual need (older, disabled…) rather than those for whom there are already people lined up to adopt.
We always knew we wanted to adopt, even though we were not (as far as we know) infertile. If the adoption had fallen through, it would have felt awful to hear someone say, “Why don’t you just have a baby by birth?” Having a biological child would never have made up for the loss.
What about the average person who is infertile and wants to adopt? My husband and I average about 70,000/yr total income and my husband went through chemotherapy for Lymphoma recently and will not be able to father children. We would love to adopt but “adoption” is a misnomer. In the US children are bought and sold. You can foster and love and lose child after child after child. Or you can go through private agencies and pay 30k at LEAST. We could easily support a child and want to do so more than anything but because I can’t plunk down half a years income in one lump sum I’ll never be able to.
The adoption system in America is disgusting. The rich buy babies from the poor and the people in the middle remain childless.
Rebecca, I won’t dispute that our adoption system is not perfect, but you are receiving bad advice if you’ve been told that a domestic adoption will cost at least $30,000. I’ve seen various figures, but I can safely say that the average is far far less~more in line with $20,000. I realize that isn’t a small amount, but you also have the adoption tax credit of about $12,000 and five years to claim it.
There are also children available to adopt that are currently just waiting for a family with an almost zero risk that they will be returned to their biological parents.
You might also want to look into embryo adoption–not free but not exorbitant either.
Please listen to some of our archived Creating a Family shows. We’ve covered these topics and many many more.
I will never adopt if I cannot have kids. Having children for me is all about genetics. I could love any child but my own child is different.
Most Americans say that inside but hypocrisy doesnt let them voice thier opinion.
Why do people need to adopt if they cannot have kids? is there such a void in the modern world!
Amanda, I’m glad you have certainty and know what is right for you. However, I don’t think you can extroplate your beliefs to “most Americans”. For plenty of us, genetics simply doesn’t play a big role in our desire to parent. We want to experience parenting regardless of whether we are genetically related to the child. Not sure this has anything to do with a void in our culture. Maybe it’s just a desire or need to partake in the joys and less than joys of parenting.
Thank you for this insightful post. I have printed it off to send with our Christmas cards this year. I’m serious, but I won’t include it with all of them. LOL Just those people in our life and family that need to hear it.
Here from Creme de la creme. Beautifully stated. Adoption is a personal choice and not to mention it is very expensive and complicated to adopt. It’s not as simple as “just adopt”.
Popping in from the crème de la crème list.
It still needs lots of repeating, this message.
We get this question all the time, especially from DHs siblings and cousins. Like there is no difference, like all types of kids are interchangeable. I heard it over the holidays twice. I want to scream or spit at them. I’m going to print this out for the next family dinner and have it in my pocket to hand out to the nosy busybodies.
Thank you for this.
That’s what people don’t get. for some of us, adoption just isn’t an option. We wish it could be, but it isn’t. Thanks for explaining this.
Because my husband and his family think blood is everything. Because I want to have a child that is the mix of my and my husband’s genes.
Here from the Creme.
What a beautiful post, well said.
My husband and I have been trying to adopt for over five years. We started out by taking two older boys that were kicked out of their foster home at 18. We decided after they boys were on their feet that we wanted to adopt an infant. We tried the foster care route. That system is the most corrupt system on the planet. We fostered two infants and were lied to about both of them during the entire time we fostered. We were told that we would be able to adopt them, and infact the workers knew that that was 99% not the case.
During the same time that we were fostering the infants we talked to a social worker that had worked with our boys when they were younger. She told us that in our state healthy children are often never adopted. The state keep them as long as possible and intentionally do it for profit for the state. When I look back on our journey I can honestly say I totally believe it.
We have since found an agency and have been in the process for nearly two years. I also find this system to be a huge disappointment. We feel like many birth families look at profiles and choose the wealthiest people they can find. In two years we have never been matched, and when I told our worker my feelings she agreed with me. Recently we decided that the whole process was about $$ and we just have kind of moved on with life. I hate the fact that we have everything to offer a child, and the system has deprived several children from a wonderful life because of greed.
Finally, I would like to add that I hate it when people say “just adopt”. It usually sends me into a rant about how it would be freaking great if we could just adopt.