Donor Eggs = Half Adoption??
by DawnWe did a Creating a Family show this past Spring (February 11, 2009 ) on how to know when you are ready to move to donor eggs or sperm. One of the email questions we received called using donor eggs “half adoption”. I haven’t gone back and re-listened to the show, but if memory serves (and it is doing so less and less these days) I said something along the lines that there were similarities since in both donor egg and adoption the woman would be parenting a genetically unrelated child. The psychologist guest was more diplomatic (of course) saying something like some people felt that way and others did not. After the show I received a number of emails ranging from slightly miffed to irate from women who had either conceived children through donor eggs or were considering it objecting to equating donor eggs with adoption. It came up again on last week’s show and Marna Gatlin, founder of the great group Parents Via Egg Donation, told me recently that a heated dispute had erupted on their website message board over this same topic.
I don’t particularly like the term “half adoption” and I don’t use it, but I don’t think it’s completely inaccurate and I worry about the vehemence of the opposition. One email said that equating donor egg and adoption demeaned her family and her children. I couldn’t disagree more. Like adoption, a child conceived through donor gametes is not genetically related to one or both parents. But, genetics doesn’t define family.
Significant differences exist between conception through donor egg and adoption. The woman or man that donates the gamete receives compensation and is only giving up “a part”, not a whole child. Through epigenetics, the woman who carries the fetus imparts her own influence. The parents have more control over their child’s environment from the moment of transfer. The mother gives birth and can nurse her child. But even with all these differences, the fact remains that, like adoption, the child is not genetically related to the mother.
We did a Creating a Family show this past week (Sept. 9, 2009) on the lessons from adoption that can be passed on to the third party reproduction community. We talked about many “lessons”, but the one that stands out for me is the need for children to know their conception and birth story. Back in the mid 1900’s many parents did not tell their children they were adopted. The majority of parents who conceived through egg donation today do not tell their children. Research on the children adopted in the “don’t tell” era of adoption reveals the heavy price of betrayal and confusion they paid for their parents’ silence.
I am a fairly gray person—meaning that I usually see both sides and as a result, don’t often take an unequivocal position on much. This “grayness” is an asset in giving unbiased support and information to people considering all their family creation options. But this is one issue that seems totally black and white to me. If we have learned nothing else from adoption, we have learned that family secrets are destructive, and that children don’t define mom and dad by biology.
I firmly believe most kids conceived from donor egg and sperm will eventually find out–through family members who know or suspect, from genetic medical testing, or from their parents later in life. It doesn’t matter how, but at some point they will likely know the truth about their conception. I am equally convinced that in 10 to 20 years we’ll see a spate of research showing that donor conceived children who found out later in life will feel confused and betrayed. I feel like someone who sees a train barreling down the track toward a school bus parked at the crossing. I’m screaming my warning, but the bus doesn’t move.
Keeping the conception story a secret reflects that the parents believe that using donor egg or sperm is a lesser way of forming a family, rather than just a different way. It implies shame. No child deserves to have his parents ashamed of how he came to be. No child deserves to be lied to. And although you may try to convince yourself now that failure to tell is not a lie, it soon will become a lie. A thousand times throughout your child’s childhood, something will come up and you will have to smudge the truth. Maybe it’s your child’s questions about her greenish/blue eyes or athletic prowess; maybe it will be a teacher’s question about a possible learning disability; maybe it’s your child’s fear over your mother and aunt’s breast cancer; maybe it’s every time you fill our a pediatric medical form and include your family’s medical history. Over and over again you will be presented with an opportunity to tell the truth, and failure to do so could be interpreted by your child as a lie.
Parents who are avoiding this conversation can learn the how-to’s from adoptive parents. Yes, the initial conversation is awkward. You will stumble over the words and struggle to find the right tone. (Nonchalant? No, that’s not right. Heavy? No, no. How about matter of fact? Maybe with a little more delight thrown in?) If you start early enough, you’ll be having this conversation with an infant or toddler who is more interested in chewing on the book or your finger, so the only one embarrassed will be you. By the time the child starts to comprehend, you’ll be an old hands at both the words and the tone. Gradually and naturally more information is shared through the years in a series of small conversations.
There are few black and whites in modern fertility treatment. The lines will blur even more in the future as scientists develop more ways to help people conceive. This is the future and it is good. But as we march into the future, for goodness sakes, let’s take with us the lessons from the past. Never is this cliché more apt: If we fail to learn from the mistakes of the past, we are doomed to repeat them. And the ones who will pay the price are the kids.
P.S. #1: For a list of resources to help tell children their conception story, go to the suggested books page under Infertility at www.Creating a Family.org
P.S. #2: If you are a parent via egg donation, the PVED site is a must visit.
P.S. #3: For an interesting review of some of the lessons from adoption that might apply to third party reproduction, read “Old Lessons for a New World: Applying Adoption Research and Experience to Assisted Reproductive Technology” by the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute.
Related posts:
- Family Secrets: To Tell or Not to Tell about Conception and Adoption [I first published this essay last Spring, but wanted to...
- Catching Flack over Embryo Adoption Last month, I was talking with a well-respected adoption professional...
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
![Culture & Society Directory](http://www.ontoplist.com/images/ontoplist1.jpg?id=4ae8e1c93a5ac"alt="Society&CultureDirectory)
Thanks for all of your articles and especially for tackling the subjects that are difficult and emotionally charged. I had to laugh out loud at your comment of talking to an infant or toddler about how they were conceived or adopted – that is exactly what I’ve been doing with my son, and it is amazing how much easier the conversation gets – and while he doesn’t understand the words yet, but he is beginning to grasp more and more, so it won’t be long before the vocabulary of adoption becomes a part of his vocabulary.
You mention in your notes someone who was offended b/c equating a pregnancy from a donor egg with adoption “demeaned her family – what in the world is she saying about adoptive families with that comment?!?!
My nephew and niece were conceived with donor egg. My sister and BIL have decided not to tell them because they think it will be too confusing. She says it is not like adoption and the story is much more complicated and too much for a child. They are 5 now. I have emailed her the link to this blog. She doesn’t like reading about this decision or even about infertility or anything. She says infertility is behind her and she has moved on with her life. I hope she reads what you wrote. I think you bring up some very interesting points. I doubt she will change her mind, but at least it will give her something to think about.
After a long painful infertility process, I am now 7 weeks pregnant thanks to a wonderful egg donor. Your articles and podcasts kept me afloat and helped me navigate these very confusing decisions. My husband and I plant to be open and honest with our child about how they came to be. I wanted to thank you, not only for your influence but also for providing us the tools to be able to follow through on the initial decision.
That is an interesting question. I had never thought of it since I am not at that point in my process. I would think that it would not be adoption, because the couple is still part of the process.
ICLW
I would consider donor eggs different than “half-adoption”. With donor eggs, you have the genetic mom (she donated the eggs), the biological mom (her uterus housed the fertilized egg and conditions in her body affected which genes “turned on”), and dad. I believe this is vastly different than “half-adoption”.
It is a fascinating thing to think about though.
~ICLW
I was one of the ones who sent you an irate email. I love your shows and videos and I follow your blog every week because you usually give me a lot to think about, but blogs like this make me see red. Donor egg is nothing like adoption. If it was so much alike, we would have adopted. I was pregnant, I nursed for 2 years, I am the mother in every way. I am not putting adoption down, but it is not the same as donor egg and it is really not even a little similar. We will not tell out children the boring story of someone giving us a small body part to help conceive them. It is not relevant to who they are or who their parents are. It is in no way helpful information and as parents it is our job to sort through all the information and decides what is helpful for them to hear and what is not. We are suppose to protect them and not tell them information that will only confuse them and undercut their security. I wish I had never told anyone about it, but I am sure that anyone I told when we were going through it will realize that it is of absolutely no importance now.
Egg donation is a complicated issue. If you are not affected there is usually a very different attitude than if you cannot really get any children. One should always think about the people who are unfortunately unable to have child.
@Lisa – Hi there – I read your reply and I have been reflecting about your post, and the one sentence that jumped out at me and has resonated with me is the one that says:
“You mention in your notes someone who was offended b/c equating a pregnancy from a donor egg with adoption “demeaned her family – what in the world is she saying about adoptive families with that comment?!?!”
I don’t think anyone who has had a child via egg donation is intimating at all that there is anything wrong with adoptive families. I can tell you that for many of us who have carried babies via egg donation to tell us we have adopted our children in many ways feels dismissive to us because we know what we went through to cycle, transfer, and carry our children to term.
The other part of this is there are different processes in both egg donation and adoption that set the other apart. However, there are many things that are similar and alike.
I personally don’t care for the term half adoption. I also don’t care for the term “Donor egg baby” any more than I care for the term “My adopted son or my adopted daughter” They are our children, without all the labels.
Make sense?
@Randi – I am really sorry your sister is living in denial, her fear is really serving as a disservice to her children. I know first hand how scary, and insecure all of this can be. I became a mom via egg donation in 2000, and those fears and insecurities would bubble up to the surface from time to time the first two years. What your sister needs to realize is that her children are entitled and have a right to their origins. If they find out about this as teenagers (and they will, it always comes out because they shared this information with people other than themselves)their children are going to wonder what else they lied to them about. And it becomes a huge huge trust issue. Your sisters infertility like mine is behind us, that’s a given. But the fact remains we used third party reproduction to have our children, and it’s not something to be ashamed about. It is what it is. If we act weird or dysfunctional about it, our kids will as well. If we treat it in the manner in which we should (directly and make it not a big deal), it won’t be a big deal at all. Our organization, and forum are just for women like your sister who need that support and encouragement. You are a great sister to be looking out for your own sister:)
@Kristin – In egg donation, the egg donor is not a “Mom” at all. She’s an egg donor. Or genetic contributor. The recipient mother who carries the baby is the mom:) We are really clear about that because egg donors don’t sign up for this process to be labeled as, or referred to as Mom’s. In fact, many egg donors when they hear that term will be very vocal and say “Wait a second, I am NOT the mom, YOU are.”
@Finally a Mom – I smiled when I read your post because like you in the beginning I too wasn’t going to tell my son. I agree, it’s our job to protect our children, but it’s also our job to tell our children the truth. Studies have shown over and over that children are naturally curious about their origins. We also know that it’s wrong to hide something that is a part of them. Regardless of how much we want to sweep it all under the carpet and not recognize the egg donor part we have to. That “small body part” helped create that blue print that you received, and assisted you in growing this marvelous child that you are now the mother of. Without that small body part you wouldn’t have this amazing child now would you? When you speak of undercutting your child’s security you clearly will be doing so by not having an honest dialogue with your child about his or her origins that they have a basic right to. We don’t keep the truth from children we adopt, why should we with children we have via egg donation. We need to be honest, it’s OUR own insecurities that keep up from having truthful conversations with our children about this, nothing else. Somewhere down deep we worry our child might reject us or love us less because they don’t carry our genes, which is absolute poppycock.
In closing there are similarities to egg donation and adoption, and there are vast differences. You can’t lump both together in one pot. It doesn’t work that way.
What we can do however, is love our children, be honest with our children, and respect their origins.
First baby conceived from screened egg is born!
http://egg-donation.blog.co.uk/2009/09/22/first-baby-conceived-from-screened-egg-is-born-7015253/
What a wonderful post…and on a topic I had never thought of before. Have a great week. Happy ICLW.
I agree that there are very few black and whites. Lots of shades of gray in the IF world!
Interesting… I think there is no right answer. Everyone is going to feel differently about their choice to use DE’s.
I think the comment to this blog more than supports your point. I am a mom through donor egg. I would love not to tell my children, but after listening to several of your shows I came to the decision that it was the only sane and fair thing to do. I would love for you to do a show on how to tell and what resources to use. Have you ever thought of writing a book? hint hint I will tell those who are reading this that are sitting on the fence that the telling is amazingly easy when your kids are little. mine just seem to accept it as part of the story and it is no big deal at all. I used to dread questions in the future, but from reading and talking with others, I no longer think it will be a big deal. I know this topic doesn’t make you popular, but I really thank you for addressing it and not pulling any punches. Information you provided over the years has made a big difference to me. I love how you don’t preach (even in this particular blog
) and your compassion shines through. By the way, I love the videos. It’s fun to actually see you in person. You look just like you sound.
Thank you for a thought provoking post filled with wisdom. I whole heartedly agree with telling children their conception story. They and their parents should be proud of how they came about.
Happy ICLW!
As usual, you tackled a hard topic and hit the nail on the head. I have found the comments as interesting as the post. **no offense
** I know you set a tone of acceptance and being nice and not slamming anyone for their choices, so I hope you will accept this comment because I don’t mean it as a diss. But I think that the parents by egg donor who are not planning on telling their kids are nuts! They are like an ostrich with their heads in the sand or like a little kids who thinks that no one can see them if they have their eyes covered. The kids will eventually know. They are right that it is not that big of a deal, but as you said, by keeping it a secret they make it a big deal. They are and will always be their kid’s parent, so why not tell.
Coming at it from the other side of the fence, I was an egg donor for a friend, and the idea of “anonymous” ED was never an option for me. The idea of lying to a child about their own origin and medical history- that scares me. And I’m not being dramatic when I say “scare.” Is a gamete donor a parent? Not at all. Is their contribution important? Most definitely.
I think that the people who say tell, tell, tell, just don’t understand that it isn’t that easy. You are asking us to tell something that is so complex that even most adults don’t understand it, so how can you expect a child to understand it. And you are also ignoring the fact that their is very real prejudice in the world against kids and families created by egg donation. If the whole world knows then they will look at my child as if they are some kind of freak and they will look at me as if I’m nothing more than a babysitter. You might want to believe it isn’t so, but ask any egg donor parent community and we have horror stories to tell. With adoption you have a nice neat story, but the story with donor egg is very confusing.
Dawn, I don’t really disagree with what you wrote, but I just think it is much harder than adoption. But, I do appreciate that you don’t shy away from talking about it and I have always really really appreciated your forthright acceptance of it as just another way of forming a family. I think your attitude and shows are going a long way to change the prevailing attitudes about donor eggs. Please keep up this work for all of us and for our kids.
I can understand why it would be upsetting to couples who had gone this route to think of it as adoption. With the mother have gone through labor and, in many cases, breastfeeding, I think she has earned the right of feeling that way. She is the child’s mother in the greatest since of the word.
I do respect your opinion though!
~ICLW~
Parenting is all about putting our kids first. With donor eggs it is hard to know exactly what it means to put our kids first, but you make a great case for telling our kids.
Lynn, the point is not what you call it. I don’t like, nor do I use, the term half-adoption. The point is that your child has the right to know that she was conceived through donor egg. By the way, I know you didn’t mean any offense and I’m not trying to be picky, but all moms, whether by birth or adoption, are their child’s mother in the greatest sense of the word. As I said in the post, genetics doesn’t define family.
You’ve given me something to think about. I’ve forwarded this to my hubby. We need to do some talking. Our wonderful perfect boy is only 2, so we need to start talking fast. I started reading and immediately went on the defensive. The part that made me stop and then made me squirm a little is the part about a thousand little lies. We switched pediatricians recently and I committed one of those little lies when I filled out my son’s medical history. The weird part is that I didn’t even think about it until I read your blog. My dad recently had a heart attack. Will my son think he has a predispostion to heart trouble? I still see the argument against telling since I think it could be really confusing and maybe better to bring up when he’s old enough to even get the idea of conception, but I do see your argument for early telling. I don’t like to think that I would ever lie to him about anything.
What an interesting discussion. I haven’t spent much time considering either option as we’re not quite there in our journey, I enjoy reading other’s opinions though. Thank you for this post!!
ICLW
I found you the first ICLW and continue to come back. Yours is one of the few “educational” blogs I’ve found. Like this post–I hope I don’t have to use donor eggs. My husband would prefer to adopt. I just hope all the crap we’re going through will work so I don’t have to make a decision. If we do do donor eggs, I guess I will tell. Really, I can’t imagine not telling the child. It would seem kind of weird to know something like this and not tell. And why not tell?? Anyway, thanks for providing some meat in you blogs.
You’ve certainly given me a lot to think about but we are still confused. You said once on show that there is a greiving process when your dream of your biological child has died. I think that is where we are. We are sitting on the fence now trying to decide what to do next. Donor egg, adoption, embryo adoption? My friend used you last spring to help make this decision and she said you were really helpful. How do I set up an appointment?
Tory, I’m sorry you are stuck in this uncomfortable place of grief and indecision. Sometime indecision is beneficial because it buys you time to grieve. You can find out all you want to know, and probably more, about our consulting service on the consulting page of http://www.CreatingaFamily.org.
We were faced with the decision of sperm or egg donation in the beginning of our process because I was diagnosed as being sterile (zero count) and my wife had a blocked tube and they weren’t even sure if they could get her ovulating.
But, just like IVF we drew the line at donation. For us, we didn’t like a human being determining which sperm and/or egg to use. As our doctor told us (he’s one of the leading in the state) it’s often the best of what they got. Mankind is a highly tuned “machine” and the idea of a human being trying to reproduce (no pun intended) what occurs naturally, just didn’t sit well with us. We have found that stating this really has gotten people mad at us who have done either IVF or donation. So, we went the adoption route. But as odd as it was we got pregnant. My reproductive urologist later ran a test and found out that I went from zero to 175mil/ml which said he’s never seen before. My wife calls it a miracle (I’m agnostic she’s of faith which makes an interesting combo)
Through this process, I’ve noticed that Americans have a rather bizarre view of adoption that gets even weirder when you start talking about donation, surrogacy, etc.
This is also a country where legal pundits where saying that Debbie Rowe wouldn’t have a hard time finding a Judge that would overturn the TPR (Termination of Parental Rights) that she signed when she handed the kids over to MJ. The sheer fact that it wouldn’t be hard to find a legal entity to ignore that document tells you that in the eyes of the courts DNA matters a lot more than who raises kids.
Heck, my brother’s son isn’t legally his. His wife had a boy with her previous boyfriend who has had nothing to do with the kid since conception. But he won’t sign the paperwork that would give my brother any kind of parental rights. They were told by a family court Judge that if anything happened to his wife, his son would HAVE to go live with the sperm donor (what his wife refers to the guy). A man he’s never known.
But back when we were being told about egg donation and sperm donation we were told that we’d have to adopt the genetic material being donated because legally the child would be that donor’s. Adoption is a legal term and I’ve come to realize that it also has an emotional meaning.
In my mind it’s not a half-adoption but just an adoption by the part of the mother. It’s probably easier to wrap one’s mind around the opposite. Where the sperm was donated. Because in that case, it would be no different than if the wife had a child before they had met (from a legal standpoint). But, in the case of egg donation it’s nothing like when a husband had a child before they couple met because in this case the wife is carrying this baby.
It is complex, but I personally think it’s complex on a legal standpoint. But, I’ve often been accused of being devoid of empathy (my doctor says it’s my Asperger’s).
As far as the little lies go, it’s not just with egg/sperm donation. I know of at least 2 couples who picked what country to adopt from so that they subsequent child would have the greatest chance of looking like them so they’d never have to tell the child they were adopted
Dawn said:
Lynn, the point is not what you call it. I don’t like, nor do I use, the term half-adoption. The point is that your child has the right to know that she was conceived through donor egg. By the way, I know you didn’t mean any offense and I’m not trying to be picky, but all moms, whether by birth or adoption, are their child’s mother in the greatest sense of the word. As I said in the post, genetics doesn’t define family.
++ ++ ++ ++ ++
Actually Dawn, you are saying that genetics does define family. That’s why you say that the child needs to know his/her genetic connections.
You also say that “all moms, whether by birth or adoption, are their child’s mother in the greatest sense of the word.” While that may be a good sound byte, it is not a law of nature and you can’t guarantee your child is going to think way that once you let the cat out of the bag. That’s why some people are no-tell.
I think this blog makes good sense. I think the reason you’ve gotten skewered is because people are afraid. I know we were afraid when we talked to our kids about adoption. I worried that they would feel like they were less mine. Now that they are 6 and 8, this seems like such a silly fear. By the way, I just finished listening to your show on creating attachment using lifebooks for your kids. It was terrific!!! I’m so glad it didn’t make me feel like I had screwed up by waiting.
Dawn, I’m a fan. I can’t say I agree with you on this, but I always appreciate your insight and perspective.
You’re opened up a can or worms with this post. I hope you’ll stay away from such controversy in the future. I really do like your shows and blog, but you totally missed the mark with this one. Stick with what you know.
Here’s the nuts-and-bolts conversation I plan to have — indeed, have begun having — with my 15-month-old daughter, conceived via IVF with an egg donor, and definitely more interested in chewing on her toes than in knowing her origins:
“All babies come from an egg and a sperm.
“Eggs come from ladies, and sperm comes from men.
“Sometimes, Daddy’s sperm doesn’t work well, so a doctor takes sperm from another man and puts it with Mommy’s egg.
“Sometimes, Mommy’s eggs don’t work well, so a doctor takes eggs from another lady and puts it with Daddy’s sperm.
“That’s what happened with you. My eggs didn’t work well, so we got a doctor to put another lady’s egg with Daddy’s sperm. You were created, and the doctor put you in my belly where you grew for nine months. We were so happy when you were born!”
That’s basically it, at this point. As she gets older and wants to know more, I’ll start using terms like “genetic parent” or “egg donor”, and will offer to share information on the donor if she asks.
I only have one concern, and it’s minor: Although everyone in our family knows how she was conceived, very few of our friends do. It’s entirely possible my daughter might spill the beans down the road, either to one of our friends or our friends’ children. That will be a little awkward, yeah. But it won’t kill me, and it’s a risk I’m willing to take in the name of disclosure.
In my opinion that is exactly how the conversation should go. For the most part kids don’t talk about their conception much, so the beans will probably not be spilled when she is young. When she is older she might chose to share that she indeed did not get her blond hair from you, but many kids simply don’t think it matters enough to share outside the family. If it does become a problem, there are some books out there for adopted kids that talks about the difference between privacy and secrecy that might work. By the way, there are some pretty good books to read to your daughter to help normalize conception through donor egg. We list the best ones I’ve found at our Suggested books Page under Infertility Resources.
I don’t think the child has a right to know they were conceived through egg donation. And it has nothing to do with shame, but the truth. If I were to do this, I would say that I had IVF because my tubes were blocked or something.
But the fact is more than genetics makes a mom. It takes genetics and gestation. Without both sides it is just an adoption. So the truth is the gestation mom is as much the mother as the genetic donor from a technical standpoint and more so from the social standpoint.
I just don’t think it’s that big of a deal. Two complete strangers could have a similar or even near-exact medical history. My fiance and I both have alcoholism and cancer as part of our family tree and we share the same blood type.
Genetics is way too overemphasized. Every human being has one common ancestor.
If I had annonynous DE I wouldn’t tell my child. I don’t see the point. You will already know their medical history and if you chose right, they will be more similar to you than not anyway and their ways and mannerisms will come from being raised by you. Bringing the donor DE into the picture ignores all you went through to get your child. Why bother with that?
This is pure B_ll Sh_t. There is nothing about donor egg that is like adoption. These are our kids and you are just going to make them all screwed up if you try to treat them like adopted kids. Most of us went with donor egg over adoption for a reason!