With my flack jacket firmly in place, I’m going to talk about the hottest of parenting topics. Nope, I’m not talking about discipline, or how much TV to allow, or when your child should sit in the front seat of the car. I’m venturing where only the bravest of commentator would dare to go—today I’ll tackle the dreaded “family bed” controversy.
Let me start with the typical disclaimer: I have absolutely no problem with co-sleeping or “the family bed”, if it is freely chosen by both parents and it works for everyone. If your family enjoys the togetherness, and both parents are able to get a good nights sleep and find the time and place for intimacy, then by all means, go for it. I’m not one who thinks it will harm kids in any way. I can even see the benefits in terms of bonding. However, these benefits may come at a high price.
The problem I see from talking with lots of parents is that often co-sleeping is the default “choice”, rather than the preferred choice. They can’t figure out any other way to get their kid to sleep or to stay asleep, so they settle for the family bed. Parents sheepishly (or maybe I should say sleeplessly) recount evenings of one parent going to bed with the kids so they will stay put long enough to go to sleep and nights of musical beds where one parent leaves mid-night to sleep in the child’s vacant bed or on the sofa to get a decent nights sleep.
I define bedtime success as kids going to bed on their own after a mutually satisfying bedtime routine of no more than about 30 minutes, and all family members getting a restful sleep on most nights. The family bed can fit within this definition of success, but so often it does not. I’m not sure when we started believing that going to bed within a reasonable amount of time, at a reasonable hour, and in their own bed is beyond the abilities of most kids. Many parents I talk to believe that expecting this monumental feat is sheer folly, or worse, it’s cruel. It is neither.
I’m a big believer in parent-centered families. I know that flies in the face of what you hear in this child-centered time we are living in, but in my ever so humble opinion, the best parenting comes from content parents. I want parents to take care of themselves in order to take the best care of their children. Parents need to have time for themselves individually and with each other (or if single, with other adults). They need a time and place for intimacy. They need sleep. It’s a whole lot easier to find this time if one parent is not spending all evening getting the children to bed or going to bed with the child, and restful sleep is easier for many people if they aren’t sleeping with a wiggly squirmy child.
I am aware that sleeping together as a family is common in some cultures. I am also aware that the parents I talk to may not be a representative sample of family bedders. If you are one of those happy family-bed families, read no further. I would caution you, however, to make darn sure your spouse truly feels the same way as you. Frequently when I talk with parents, one parent says they love the family bed, but when specifically asked, the other parent (in my experience, usually the father) will admit that he is tired of sharing the bed and not getting a good nights sleep, but doesn’t think the alternative is possible and doesn’t want to rock the boat (or bed).
Now to the 64 million dollar question—how to get the little darlings to sleep within a reasonable amount of time, at a reasonable hour, and in their own beds. For those of you who have read this blog to get to the how-to part, you’re going to be disappointed. That is the topic of a book rather than blog. I gave specific techniques in the last chapter of my book (The Complete Book of International Adoption) and we’ve done a number of Creating a Family radio shows on this topic (June 11: No Cry Sleep Solution and June 25: Raising Your Spirited Child), and we’ll do more in the future since sleep in the #1 issues for all parents of young children. But the real reason I don’t want to go into the specifics is that in my experience, the how-to follows once the parents decide that it is absolutely necessary for the child to get to bed and stay there. And truthfully, the how-to’s are basically the same, no matter what approach or philosophy you follow: keep them in the crib until they are old enough to reason with, establish a bedtime routine, and be consistent.
Parental attitude is the key ingredient in families that get their kids to bed with a minimal of fuss. Parents have to really believe that it is not only possible, but that it is best for both child and parent. What would happen if your child refused to get in her car seat? She can procrastinate, argue, scream, and cry all she wants, but at the end of the day, she’ll be strapped in. That’s what I mean by attitude. Parents also have to believe that a few tears will not permanently harm their child. No matter what anyone tells you, a child that is used to being in control of bedtime will not often relinquish this control without a fight. You can still be loving and emotionally available to your child and get them to bed.
I know of what I speak. I have four children with very different temperaments, but ultimately all four became great sleepers (defined in my mind as going to sleep on their own after a mutually satisfying routine). With one we had to be much more rigid since she challenged all routines and parental control, and with another we had to move slower since he struggled mightily with separation from us, but we ultimately succeeded within a relatively short period of time. All kids were in their beds by 8:00 and we had the rest of the evening to ourselves to recharge. Parenting is hard work and I for one am a much better parent when I punch off the parenting clock by 8:00.
Once you get your kids firmly into good sleep habits, you can bend the rules if you want. Seldom is Peter out of town that I don’t have one kid in bed with me for a “sleep-over”. We watch a movie on my laptop, eat popcorn and apples in bed, and settle in for a squirmy wiggly night’s sleep.
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I agree with you 100% on this post. I know many families who have made a deliberate decision to have a family bed – and that works for them. But, I also know many families who have one (or the rotation sleeping) by default.Neither my husband or I are fans of the family bed, but we decided that we would do it before Alex came home if he needed it. I was so happy that Alex slept in a crib with his foster family. He is a HORRIBLE co-sleeper!! He has a great routine – sleeps very well in his own bed – and he has a happier mommy because of it.In fact, he ended up in our bed twice this weekend (we had thunderstorms). As soon as the thunder was gone – he was back in his bed.Again – if it works for your family – go for it. It just doesn't work for me, my husband or my son.
We also very strongly believe in parent-centered parenting. I taught public school for 11 1/2 years, and have seen tto much of what happens when a child who is used to being in charge comes into contact with an environment where he or she is not the boss, and should not be.If both parents are on board with the family bed, I say fine. But I know very few people for whom that has been true. I went to bed, in my own bed, every night. I do not doubt that my parents loved me or that they cared for me in the the best possible way. Raising a child to believe that they are in control of every situation is incredibly detrimental in my opinion. If they knew everything they were supposed to know at birth, we would be reptiles.
We started the family bed by default. Then it ended up working great for us! My husband sleeps in our daughters' room while the girls sleep with me in our room. Why does it work? SNORING! I don't have to deal with my husband's snoring. Now, I get a good night sleep. My husband is fine with it – his favorite cat joins him at night. So, it wasn't planned, but in the end it works.
I will start off by saying that we have a semi family bed. Right now our daughter who is 3 sleeps in her own bed but my husband lays with her until she falls asleep. Our son, who is 18 months sleeps with us in our bed. Sometimes our daughter will wake up and come sleep with the rest of us in bed-we don't mind a bit. I agree with a lot of your article-it is best if both parents are happy with co-sleeping. I do 100% disagree with the statement of punching out the parent clock at 8:00 pm. Parenting does not end because it's dark. Parenting is a 24/7 365 thing. And I know you know that, but I think so many parents let their babies cry it out (which I believe to be completely cruel and horrible) just because they think that they shouldn't have to do anything after a certain time. Well, welcome to parenthood. The world doesn't revolve around you anymore.
Miranda – I agree with you that parenting is a 24/7 365 thing. We did a modified cry it out with Alex – not because I felt that my role as a parent ended at a particular time – but because I believe that Alex needed to learn that bedtime means bed time. Alex is now just over 3 – and sleeps in a toddler bed. We had a VERY hard transition to the toddler bed from his crib. There are still many nights when he doesn't want to go to bed – and cries when we put him in his room. Alex knows that we love him, we feel he is bonded to us very well and is very secure. I don't think we are doing anything cruel to him by letting him cry it out in his room.Believe me – Alex is a very smart little guy and is already figuring out ways to manipulate us. When we say we aren't coming up the stairs again – we have to mean it – or he will walk all over us.I'm glad that your sleeping arrangements work for your family.
Maybe a 3 year old can begin to grasp what it means to manipulate someone, I doubt it though, but a baby, on the other hand, there is no way that a baby crying is manipulative. I really think these are needs that need to be met. if you do enough research you'll see the effects that crying it out has ona child's brain and nervous system…here's a link..http://parentingbabytosleep.blogspot.com/2007/10/cortisol-its-bad-stuff.html
Thanks everyone for commenting. This has been interesting. Please please copy and paste your comments on the comment section of the blog so others can hear your point of view.Miranda, I don't think anyone is talking about allowing a baby or child to simply cry. There are techniques that parents can use to gradually move a child to sleeping independently. You are of course right that parenting is a 24/7 "job", but in all jobs, we need a time to recharge. Parenting is a marathon and I need to pace myself and nurture not just my kiddos, but also myself and my partnership with my spouse. But, it sounds like you are one of those families where co-sleeping truly works. I'm glad it does.
Yes Dawn, you are brave to blog on this topic! I am a child psychologist and an adoptive parent, and your approach is very close to what I tell the many families I work with who ask me about this issue. I do believe that there are times, situations, and individual adopted or traumatized children for whom co-sleeping is an important aspect of establishing a secure attachment, for some period of time (i.e., should not be necessary forever). I feel that it is appropriate to take the child’s individual history and needs into account when considering sleep plans, since unfortunately we never truly do “punch off the parenting clock”. But, just as you say, the decision should be made in a proactive, planful way, with both parents (if there are 2) deciding that this is what they believe their child needs from them at this time and they are willing to provide it. That’s very different from the default decision that you so well describe in your article.
For most children (i.e., those who are not currently experiencing significant attachment issues for which co-sleeping is a significant treatment component), I agree that it is realistic and healthy for children to learn to sleep independently after a cozy bedtime routine, and I also agree that, as you point out, I am impacted by the culture that I grew up in, and I respect and affirm that those from other cultures have different beliefs about what is “normal” and “right for children”. If the whole family is truly happy with their sleeping arrangements and all are getting a good night’s sleep, great.
Personally, I have a 5-year-old who would love to sleep with me all night, but she is a very wiggly kiddo as well as a night-owl, and I recognize my own need as a parent for alone time and quiet sleep at night. Our compromise is that we have about a 30-minute snuggly bedtime routine in her room each night, then we each sleep in our own rooms, and she is allowed to come into my bed in the morning if it is after 5:00am. She knows to ask if it is time yet before getting into my bed, and then she will fall back to sleep in my bed, so we end up getting up together when it’s time to get up. This works very well for us and is meeting both our needs.
My daughter would still tell you that she would rather spend the whole night with me, and if I didn’t enforce the limits that I have set, she would be in my bed in a minute. But we do have abundant cuddle time during other times of day in addition to before bed, and I am a happier and more patient parent because I get that time to myself at night. This is particularly important for me as a single parent.
I look forward to hearing others’ comments and reactions!
Cathy, you make a good point that with some kids coming from trauma or other situations that can impact attachment, co-sleeping can make good sense for a period of time. My points were directed for the more run-of-the-mill parenting situation. Sounds like you’ve reached a good compromise with your daughter. Truthfully, I loved the every evening cuddle time routine as much as my kids.
I don’t like to criticize anyone else’s parenting style and if a family bed works for you that’s great, especially if you can do it in a way that develops good sleep habits and satisfies all the parties involved. But my perspective meshes pretty well with Dawn’s. My little boy was born 2 months early, and has had his share of ups and downs, including reflux, asthma, and VERY frequent illnesses. I got pregnant with our son on our honeymoon. One of the best decisions we have made as partners and as parents is to protect and cherish our time together as a couple. We get a babysitter once a week, and we share some wine, chocolate, and tv ALONE every night. Our son went to bed at 5:30 or six when he was very young and we have slowly moved that back to 7:30 now that he is 3 years old. He goes to bed on a dime now, even when he’s sick. I feel as if my husband and I have worked really, really hard (overcoming countless obstacles) to ensure that he has developed sleeping habits that make us all healthier people. When the time comes, I am hoping that I will be able to get some advice about how to establish the same good habits in an adopted child, because I know it will be a bit of a different ballgame. We were pretty tough with our son to establish his sleep routines (there were more than a few tears shed in the beginning). That was, surprisingly, not that hard for me because I knew I was doing what was right for him. Since he was a preemie, our son has had to overcome many obstacles to catch up to his peers developmentally. I knew he would not be able to make the needed strides if he were sleep-deprived. I think it will be much tougher for me to balance the need to foster attachment in an adopted child with my tendency to have an “a few tears never hurt anyone” attitude.
Dawn,
I couldn’t agree with you more!
Some families miss the forest for the trees as they try to do the best for their children and choose the family bed set up. Often, however, no one gets enough sleep. And if the physical needs are not being met, then the emotional needs will not either – especially when the result is a parent too tired to meet emotional needs or a couple that hasn’t connected in a long time, resulting in a lack of emotional support for each other and their children. I have also seen many children (of friends who choose this approach) to be stressed rather than soothed. Many children need their own space and more quiet to accomplish healthy sleep. Without adequate (around 12 hours for children) sleep, growth and development are adversely affected. Sleep (followed by proper nutrition) is the most important physical element parents are responsible to provide (and safeguard) for thier children.
The most important factor for me is that I have equipped my 4 children to learn how to soothe themselves, to not fear bedtime alone, to calmly & cheerfully go to their own beds and to sleep all night. They have no insecurities or fears that I think can be brought on by the necessity of sleeping with someone.
We adopted our sleep approach at birth, so our transition was much easier than someone who has to start at a later age. But I know it is possible and I know that the families that commit to doing it reap such rewards in their children’s health, emotional security and in the health and happiness of thier marriage.
If i didnt let my child cry it out, she would WALK all over me. I adore my child, we are very bonded and attached and she feels very safe and secure in our home. Shes 8 now, but probably operating at a 5- 6 mentality due to abuse and neglect in her former home. Those time when I ran to her when she criend becuase of not wanting to go to sleep are the times when her behavior would get worse afterwards. Those would be the nights when she would be up 20 or 30 times every ten mins. Making excuses to get up that were false, like I forgot to brush my teeth or something. The nights when she didnt want to sleep and we firmly but lovingly said we love you, prayed with her, read her a story, and said goodnight and left her to cry for a few were the nights she went to sleep, stayed asleep and awoke fresh and happy. After about 2 weeks of the firm and loving attitude of you must sleep, and we must sleep, she has been sleeping in her room, without the silly excuses to get up.. and happily!
And I have to say that yes, absolutly yes, parenting is a 24/7 job, but there MUST be a time when you can spend with your spouse. There MUST be a time when you can spned on yourself. For us, the time after we put ours to bed is the time when my husband can tell me about his day, the time when we pray together, the time when i tell him about my day and about the joys that our daughter had and then, the problems we had and what stratagies we can employ to help her get past these negative behaviors. We are co-parenters, even tho he works and i stay home and without this time he would feel disconnected and i would feel alone. This is our cuddle time, our intimate time. This is the time when we become better parents. Better people and better spouses. I have a feeling thats what Dawn meant Miranda.
I definitely believe in needing to recharge and needing time for yourself and your spouse. What upsets me is that so many images, whether from television, or people giving you advice as a first time parent, can all be misleading. So many people go into parenting thinking that their child should be a "certain" way. They see shows or commercials of a quiet baby lying in her crib cooing and smiling when most of the time that isn't reality. Yes, we do need to recharge but it's not a guarantee that it'll happen every night, and maybe our recharging will have to take place at a different time of the day because our child requires night time parenting. Dana, from the way it sounds, your situation with cry it out is a little different. I'm talking about people who think that babies are manipulative. Not possible. They don't have the cognitive development to even begin to be that way.
We have done a variety of things for the adaptation of healthy sleep patterns with and for our five kids over the years (or maybe a sliding scale on the spectrum would be a better descriptor!). Each one was chosen intentionally, keeping in mind what we knew and were learning about the little one we were welcoming to the family.
For example, the only time my oldest ever needed to be in bed with us was when I was too sick with mastitis to get out of bed or when he was nursing round the clock in a growth spurt. The rest of the time, he was able to settle in to his own sleep cycles and rest well. Our second was a total “skin contact” kid and needed Momma’s touch to feel safe and to soothe back to sleep. It was hard when it was happening, but with some intentionality and lots of patience, we were able to incrementally ease him into his own sleep space in our room and then eventually into his own room with his brother. Now that he’s in his “BIG personal space needed” phase as a 14 year old boy, I’m very grateful that I had all those nights so long ago to snuggle him.
I can’t remember the details of #3 or #4, except that they were much like the first two respectively. And their personalities are too. #1 and #3 are like peas in a pod and #2 and #4 are scary-similar in their way they express and need affection displayed. Funny how that worked out!
Our fifth was adopted from China, parented by very loving and nurturing foster parents for 6 out of her first 13 months. My only complaint: they taught her to go to bed on her own – no cuddling or singing or routine but to lay her down and say good night. In fact, the first three nights we spent with her, she pushed us away when we tried to hold her close and sing to her before bed. She just wanted to climb in that crib. We felt that pulling her into bed with us in the early, early morning hours when she was first with us was incredibly helpful toward starting her on a healthy need for us and our affection.
To further promote attachment to us and develop a routine that was more meaningful for our relationship , we began rocking her to sleep in our arms every night and every nap. We held her bottle. We sang. We prayed. We snuggled. AND we soothed her THE MINUTE she felt a need for it. It was a bit hairy about 3 months into being home, but now? She’s a piece of cake to put to bed and is a joy to snuggle. She’s always slept through the night for us, but we felt it important to regress her in the area of self soothing at bed time to help her transition her attachment.
I think the key is that intentionality of which you spoke, Dawn. Just falling into the family bed routine can be like just falling into other habits in other areas. If you choose it, then own it and have a purpose and a plan to it. We did and when we did utilize the family bed, it was a wonderful, sleep-saving, relationship-building season in our parenting!
Well said, Gang’s Momma. The key is to know that you have a choice and that it is possible to get your kids to sleep in a mutually satisfying way. There are times when choosing to have your child or children sleep with you makes sense for your family-both child and parents. It can be a long term or short term choice.
I loved the concept of seasons in parenting. I’ve been thinking a lot about that as my children age and at times I intensely miss the previous parenting season. I may borrow the term for an upcoming blog.
I totally agree. We actually do co-sleep very happily but we planned to do so in advance and we have a plan for when and how to move Elizabeth to her own bed. For the moment she easily goes to bed (and stays there) around 6:30 or 7pm.
I found the Healthy Sleep Habits book by Dr Weissbluth extremely helpful in establishing a good bedtime routine and in navigating the few inevitable bumps we’ve had along the way. The key for us is that what we do needs to result in the entire family being well-rested (and better rested than if we were in separate rooms). I’m kind of worried that Elizabeth may start crawling (a trigger for when we want to phase out our family bed) before we stop nursing, which will mean a lot more night waking for me!
I can attest to the sleeping with mommy and daddy issue right after adoption/fostering, especially when they are infants. My daughter was 10 mos old and had stopped crying or responding to anything from neglect. And putting her in a crib (where she literally spent the first 10 mos of her life in the Home), though it was in our home, was like putting her through some sort of torture ritual. The only act that healed that pain from neglect in a bed was sleeping with me, naps and bedtimes, for the first two years of her life with us. She is now 6 and goes to bed by herself, sleeps all night, and doesn’t complain about it but is secure in it. Those two years seemed long at the time, but it produced a healthy, sleeping child in the end!
I wish I had read this 3 years ago when our daughter arrived. I told myself that I was choosing to co-sleep, but we honestly couldn’t get her to bed any other way without her crying. It seemed that this was the best choice for our family and I liked that it promoted bonding for all of us. But 3 years later we are still doing it. My husband sleep almost every night on the couch. I think it has affected us as a couple and it is very hard to find time to be intimate. (as you put it) She really fights any other sleeping arrangement and now we will have another child soon. I can’t imagine 2 kids in bed with us -or rather me, since my husband has given up. I will say that wathching her sleep beside me bring a smile to my face if I’m not to tired to notice.
Thanks for the food for thought. We have been struggling alone with deciding what is right for our family and for our child and for our marriage. This has been really helpful in showing us that we can be good parents whatever we decide. Don’t know what that will be yet. Just wish it were easier.
You did a great job tackling a difficult subject!
Really great example with the car seat! I’m all for loving cuddle time and being there for nightmares or illness. However, I find that our bedroom is our sanctuary from the craziness of day-to-day life. I wouldn’t want to lose the intimacy and privacy that we have in our space. When the kids are older, they’ll demand privacy too. Being lovingly firm about separate beds has been a huge help for us!
I believe there are lots and lots of ways to raise healthy, happy families (parents AND kids) and that people need to make decisions based on their family’s unique needs (taking into account the needs of all individuals) and their family’s unique values (and I think parenting adults need to get on the same page). For us, that’s co-sleeping. It meshes with our values, our needs and so far it’s made for a healthy, happy family. I always tell new parents, make your decisions based on what YOUR heart tells you (with an eye to child development) and then honest to goodness, you can find an expert to tell you that you’re doing it right. Whether people go to Weissbluth or to Sears for their advice, it’s all about doing what works for YOUR family and to heck with the rest of ‘em!
Very brave and interesting article.
Both of our kids have slept well in their own beds since birth. I am aware that adopting a child from Korea who may have been co-sleeping with foster parents may mean that we try co-sleeping for a short period of time for attachment purposes. We’re not sure about this yet but we’re looking into it and learning about it. We do know that we plan to transition our child into his/her own bed within a few months of coming home. I’d love to hear any thoughts on this.
I think it is absolutely doable. In fact, a number of parents take that approach especially when the child is used to co-sleeping. If you would prefer to avoid the family bed, you could try having your child sleep in the same room but not in the same bed. This isn’t, however, the same from an attachment standpoint. Congrats and good luck.