I think it’s important to view what is currently happening to the children of Haiti against the backdrop of their lives pre-quake.  Of course, the majority of Haitian kids were being raised by their families, just the same as in the rest of the world.  However, a disproportionate number of Haitian children were living outside of their families.  Pre-earthquake Haiti had 50,000 children in registered orphanages and another 50,000 in unregistered orphanages.  UNICEF estimates that prior to the earthquake, one out of every 10 Haitian child (some 400,000 kids) lived outside of their family.

Many of these children were not legally free for domestic or international adoption.  Despite the media attention, international adoptions played a very minor role in the Haitian child welfare system.  In 2009, only 330 Haitian children were adopted by American, and 301 were adopted in 2008.  Other countries also adopt from Haiti, but in total, no more than about 1,500 are adopted abroad each year.

Child trafficking for sexual and domestic slavery played a much bigger role in the lives of parentless kids in Haiti pre-earthquake.  An estimated 2,000 children per year are sold for domestic service primarily to wealthy families in Haiti and the Dominican Republic.  This number is a guesstimate and is likely higher.  Aid groups estimate about 300,000 Haitian kids under that age of 18 are currently working as domestic servants.  In addition, an untold number of Haitian children are sold into prostitution.  In fairness, many families that “sold” or sent their children to work as domestic help would disagree with characterizing this act as child trafficking or selling into domestic slavery, but the future for these children was dismal by most standards.  By all accounts, Haiti also had a long standing acceptance of placing children in institutional care as a temporary solution to poverty, divorce, or just general family dysfunction.  (See my previous post on this subject.)

I haven’t been able to find reliable estimates on how many children were orphaned in the quake through the death of their parents or how many families were left unable to care for their children because of earthquake induced poverty, loss of a family residence, or just general overwhelming stress brought on by the earthquake. Most experts believe the number will be very large, but almost impossible to calculate right now.  Dixie Bickel told of an orphanage in southern Haiti that had 150 children pre-quake and now is home to 700.  I am not hearing of a huge increase of children in the orphanages I have spoken with, but that may be because they are limited in space or are only accepting children that have relinquishment paperwork, which rules out most kids that were truly orphaned in the earthquake.  I can’t get a good answer about what is happening to these earthquake orphans.  Many have been taken in by extended family or neighbors, some are living in UNICEF and other NGO tents, orphanages have absorbed some, and sadly, experts acknowledge, many are living in the streets.

One of UNICEF’s missions in Haiti is to register the children orphaned in the earthquake. According to our guests, approximately 2,500 children have been registered so far.  Registration is painstakingly slow because before a child is classified as an earthquake orphan, UNICEF is trying to find any extended family members willing to raise the child.  Save the Children told Dixie that this process could take 4 to 5 years.   Due to the limited ability of children, especially young children, to remember details over time, there is a relatively small window to find extended family.  Young children will not remember for long the names of their parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, much less the name of their school, church, teachers, or neighbors.

Prior to the earthquake Haitian adoptions were long and complicated.  The Haitian adoption law, written in 1974, requires adoptive parents to be married for 10 years and childless, or be a single woman and childless.   Strict enforcement of this law has varied over the years.  Prior to the quake, it was possible to get a Presidential Waiver of the 10 year marriage or childless status.  This waiver process added time, sometime lots of time, to the process.  For families that met the strict parental requirements, it was not unusual for a Haitian adoption to take 2 – 2 ½ years prior to the quake.  For families that did not meet the strict requirements it took even longer.

A new adoption law was proposed three years ago that would lessen the parental marriage, age, and childless requirements.  This bill is still pending.  It may come up for a vote this Fall, but most experts I’ve spoken with think this is unlikely.  It’s also important to note that many adoption proponents are not sure that this new law will improve adoptions.  Although more potential families will be eligible, it also centralizes the adoption process.  Right now, adoption agencies work directly with the orphanage in Haiti to place children. Under the proposed law, agencies would be required to work through the Institut du Bien Etre Sociale et de Recherches (IBESR), the Haitian international adoption authority.  In theory, this centralized adoption system is an improvement and lessens the likelihood for corruption, but in practice, many fear that it would be a nightmare in Haiti.  The IBESR has responsibility for all child welfare in Haiti. Processing international adoptions is only a very small part of what they do.  In the past they have been notoriously slow and disorganized; the increased work and diminished staff caused by the earthquake is not likely to improve their speed or efficiency.

There are two general groups of children that could be eligible for international adoption.  Most people think of the children that were orphaned by the earthquake.  Clearly there will be many children who lost both parents and have no living family members able to care for them.  As much as we might want to rush in and rescue these children, we need to give the child welfare NGOs and the Haitian government more time to find family and to set up a procedure for determining orphan status.  I don’t agree with Save the Children that 4-5 years is reasonable, but clearly we need more than 6 months.

However, there is another group of children that should be considered for adoption.  Prior to the earthquake, many many children were eligible for adoption and living in orphanages.   Of course, not all children in institutionalized care both before and after the quake are available for adoption. Many orphanages take in children on a temporary basis to allow parents to find work, food, and a place to live.  Every effort should be made to help families stay together, and a temporary respite in the storm can be just what is needed.  However, some of these children had already been declared available for adoption prior to the quake.

The IBESR has announced that they are now accepting adoption paperwork from prospective adoptive parents; however, no one that I’ve spoken with has seen any movement on this paperwork.  Many governmental offices were destroyed in the quake and many civil servants lost their lives.  For adoptive parents that meet the letter of the 1974 adoption law, I anticipate that the adoption process will proceed slower than pre-earthquake, which means that it will likely take over 2 ½ years—maybe much longer.  All bets are off on what will happen to families that have existing children or have not been married 10 years.  No one knows when or if the Office of the President will start issuing waivers for these adoptive parents.  Arguably, both the IBSER and the Office of the President have bigger and more immediate issues to address.

I’m sorry I couldn’t write a more optimistic report on the status of Haitian adoptions.  I struggle with trying to decide what is best.  I believe that all children deserve a family.  I also believe that Haiti desperately needs to implement a better overall child welfare system, including greater services for family preservation.  Giving up your children should be the last resort for poor parents or dysfunctional parents.  Does international adoption draw necessary money and attention away from these efforts?  Not necessarily, but in Haiti, maybe.  But what happens to the children who need families now?

For more information on Adopting from Haiti, keep checking our Haitian Adoption Country Chart.

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Although I’m writing this about adoption, I’ve seen this situation repeat itself with donor egg and surrogacy.   One partner is ready to move up the treatment ladder sooner than the other.  Heck, let’s be honest, we all know couples who face this issue when they are thinking about becoming parents without the complications of infertility or adoption.  Maybe that is why there are so many accidental pregnancies with married couples in this day of effective birth control.  Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, it is impossible to accidentally adopt so a spouse’s reluctance must be fully considered.

Easy answers elude me when one spouse wants to adopt and the other does not.  My hubby and I had always planned on adopting, but we hadn’t necessarily planned on having four children.  After our third child was born I still felt a very strong pull to adopt.   Peter did not.  His resistance had nothing to do with adoption and everything to do with being the father of four.  He wondered whether he had the time for another child, whether his work would suffer with more kids, or whether his guilt would increase over the time he devoted to work.  Would this child have needs that demanded even more time and money?  Wasn’t he too old to have another child?  The whole idea of adopting seemed risky and he didn’t feel the need to take the risk.  I did.

I don’t have any magic answers.  What worked for us, may not work for you.  We kept the lines of communication open; talking about it more than he wanted, but less than I wanted.  I asked his permission to share my research with him.  I tried to understand his concerns more than I tried to convince him.  After about a year, Peter became more comfortable with the time and financial commitment.  He loved me enough and valued my happiness enough to take the risk.  We compromised on what special needs or disabilities we were willing to consider.  And we slowly moved forward.  For what it’s worth, our daughter has been the apple of his eye from the moment he first held her, and he says he has never regretted his decision for one minute.

The first step should be trying to understand why your partner is hesitant to adopt.  Don’t assume you know.  He or she could be thinking any of the following:

• Can I love a child that is not biologically related?
• Can we afford to adopt?
• Do I want to be a parent at all, especially if it’s not going to happen the old fashioned way?
• Am I ready to stop infertility treatments and give up all hope of having a birth child?
• Will I feel like a failure if I can’t biologically have a child?
• Am I too old to become a parent?
• Do I have the time or do I want to devote the time to being a parent?
• How will my parents or older children react?
• What type of medical or emotional problems may this child have?
• We already have birth children, why complicate things?

You’ve reached an impasse.  You want to adopt but your partner doesn’t.  What do you do?  Keep talking.  Don’t assume that if it isn’t said, it isn’t felt.  If the reluctant partner feels that this is all you talk about, agree to a set time each week to talk about this subject.  Talk about what each of your hopes and dreams are from parenting in general.  When he is speaking, really listen rather than planning your rebuttal.  Seek to understand more than convince.

As strange as this may seem, share your own fears about adopting.  You know you have them.  The relationship dynamics of some couples is to balance each other out.  Yin and yang are great for philosophical discussions, but lousy for decision making if one partner is stuck at yin while the other is clinging to yang for dear life.

Let him know that you want to start getting educated on adoption and ask his permission to share the information with him as you go along.  Don’t expect him to be as enthusiastic as you.

Join an online adoption support group for people considering adoption.  Encourage your partner to participate as well.  Talking with others who have similar concerns can be helpful.  Introduce a thread on reluctant spouses.  You’ll be surprised at how many people have had this experience.

Take a break from infertility treatments for a set period of time, with the agreement that you can resume if you still want to once the break is over.  Spend time enjoying your life as a couple.  Remember why you married each other in the first place.

Attend an “in person” support group for adoptive families or an informational meeting at an adoption agency, with the promise that this does not mean a commitment to adopt.  Spending time with families formed by adoption is amazingly helpful to normalize the process and to provide an opportunity to ask questions.  If your spouse feels it is too soon to do this, agree to revisit this option at a set time in the future.

If you are feeling particularly stuck, visit a therapist to help with communication, and if applicable, choose one that understands infertility issues.  It’s not always easy to find a counselor with this expertise, but we’ve provided some suggestions on our How to Find a Therapist page.

As hard as it may be, give your partner time.  Each of us has a different speed and style for processing grief and making decisions.  If you are totally committed to him or her regardless of whether you ever become parents, say so.  If not, talk with a therapist before you issue an ultimatum.

Ultimately, you should not try to force (or coerce or guilt) your spouse into something as major as becoming a parent.  It likely won’t be effective since during the home study the social worker will delve into each of your reasons for wanting to adopt.  And though it can be faked during the interview with the social worker, every child deserves to be truly wanted by both parents.

Check out our video on The Reluctant Spouse-What to do When Only One Wants to Adopt

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I don’t know why the myth of the troubled adoptee is so prevalent, but it is.  Another Twainism sums it up well: “A mistruth can travel halfway around the world while the truth is still putting on its shoes.”  At times I want to scream, but instead, I’ll share the facts, and hope they help the truth tie up its laces and get the heck to the starting block.

Adopted kids and adults have been studied out the wazoo.  The findings are consistent-on all measures of mental health, adopted kids are doing fine.  Let’s look more closely at the largest study of US adoptive families conducted by the Search Institute, a nonprofit providing research on child development.  (Growing up adopted: A portrait of adolescents and their families; Benson, Sharma, Roehlkepartain (1994))   This is the type of research that sets my heart aflutter—large and randomized.  Oh my, I’m almost giddy!  Large randomized studies produce the most meaningful results, but are the most expensive to conduct; and therefore, not as common.  This study was supported by a $1 million dollar grant from the National Institute of Mental Health.

Seven hundred fifteen families participated in this study, including 881 adopted adolescents, 1,262 parents, and 78 non-adopted siblings.   The sample of families was randomly selected from the records of 42 adoption agencies –both public and private–in the four states of Colorado, Illinois, Minnesota, and Wisconsin.  The children were adopted before they were 15 months and were between the ages of 12 and 18 at the time of the study.  The study included transracial and same race adoptions, and international and domestic adoptions.

The Search Institute study found that adopted kids and non adopted kids were about the same in all areas of mental health, including self-esteem, identity formation, attachment to parents, academic achievement, social competency, at-risk behaviors, anxiety level, and externalizing and internalizing behaviors.  In fact, on several measures of psychological health, adopted adolescents scored higher than a comparison group of non adopted adolescents. The researchers concluded that “when the focus is on agency-assisted infant adoptions, the journey through adolescence appears to be, on average, less stormy.”

Although the kids are doing fine, how are the parents faring.  Many couples enter adoption carrying the burden of infertility.  I often hear people worry about their unresolved feelings about infertility, feelings of failure, discomfort in talking about adoption with their children, discomfort with birth families presence in their lives, feeling stigmatized as an inferior type of family, to name a few.  Fortunately, these “handicaps” presented few long term problems for the adoptive parents in this study, at least by the time their children were teens.  The parents overwhelmingly felt attached and very well satisfied with their parenting experience.

It’s true that the kids and families in this study had a lot going for them.  The kids were adopted young into two-parent families that remained intact. (Only 11 % of the families divorced, compared to 28 % in a comparison group of families.)  Adoptive families in this study “typically evidence a high level of strength in terms of warmth, communication, discipline, and cohesion.”  Although indeed these kids and families are blessed abundantly, it still seems clear that adoption is not, in and of itself, a liability to kids or parents.

This study conclusion runs counter to conventional portrayals of the troubled adoptee.  Adoption professionals are partly to blame.  We don’t want to gloss over the potential for problems because we want families to be prepared.  In our haste to acknowledge the potential for what can go wrong, we forget to acknowledge the potential for what can go right.  Yes, things can go wrong; kids and families can struggle, adolescence can lose their way.  When this happens in adoptive families, we blame adoption.  When it happens in non adoptive families, we blame parents or peers or just plain bad luck.

I have my doubts whether this blog or the growing evidence of research will change the misperception that adopted kids have lots of problems.  At times I feel like I’m shouting in the wind.  But, to round out my Twainathon with a paraphrase, at least you’ve got the fact, now you can distort them as you please.

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I favor a systematic three step approach.  The first step is done mostly online and is design to help you winnow down your choices to a select few.  In the second step you narrow you choices even more by interviewing each agency.  The third step is the all important background check to confirm your selection.  It sounds more daunting than it really is.  The last step is fairly time consuming but at this point, you should only have one or two agencies in the running, which greatly helps to reduce the time.   We include a detailed explanation of this approach, complete with all the online links and list of questions for both international and domestic adoption agencies, at our How to Choose an Adoption Agency page.  We also have a two part video on How to Choose an Adoption Agency, Red Flags to Spot a Questionable Agency, and a list of questions to ask references.

After spending some time on the internet, it’s easy to become convinced that all adoption agencies are corrupt or only in it for the money.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Oh, don’t get me wrong; some scummy adoption agencies are out there, but some wonderful ones are as well.  Not that you’d know it from reading some of the comments on the internet.  I think we hear the worst on the internet for several reasons.  When people are frustrated about their adoption, they need to vent, and the internet provides lots of places to blow off steam.  Satisfied adoptive parents are busy getting on with their lives and have a less burning desire to post glowing reports of their adoption agency.

Sometimes the venting of angry adoptive parents reveals a real problem with the agency, but sometimes not.  Adoptive parents, as much as it pains me to say, are not always reasonable.  That’s why you don’t overreact to one angry posting about an agency.  Once you start seeing a pattern, however, start paying attention.

OK, here’s the truth: the process of adoption is often messy with lots of ups and downs.  Both families involved –birth and adoptive- are making the biggest decision of their life.   What is right for them and for the child is not always clear.  Absolutes are in short supply.  No agency can make this process seamless, nor should they. You can and should expect, however, honesty, transparency, and communication.

Good agencies are child centered; they are more interested in finding homes for children than children for homes.  Good agencies come in all sizes and flavors, but in my opinion they share the following traits:

• They stress pre-adoption education.
• For domestic adoption agencies, they provide pre and post adoption counseling for first mothers, and support her decision either way.
• For international adoption agencies, they have humanitarian programs in the countries where they work to help the kids that won’t be adopted and help families stay intact.
• They don’t cherry pick the kids. In other words, they try to find homes for harder to place children.
• They make a lifetime commitment to you and your child through post adoption services.

A good adoption agency looks more like a child-welfare agency.  It’s worth the time to find that type of agency.

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As a general rule, I hate the hyper-focus on using just the right words.  As Lisa pointed out in the discussion we had on the Creating a Family Facebook group about the blog Why Not Just Adopt, we are all guilty at times of offending someone inadvertently.  Sometimes we simply don’t know the correct words to use, and other times we speak or type without thinking of the impact of our words.  I know this better than most since I am on the air every week, often talking about sensitive subjects.  We have consciously decided to not avoid topics that we think will help someone for fear of offending others or for fear that I’ll put my foot in my mouth.  I do my best, but I’ve make mistakes.  We all have.  Most times people don’t mean to hurt.  But words matter, and words often reflect deeply held beliefs or misconceptions.

People really do wonder why an infertile couple doesn’t just quickly shift to adoption.  A kid’s a kid, right???  People really do believe that adopted children aren’t as fully “owned” by their parents, as a child born to them.  They are obviously an inferior substitute to the real thing, right???  Such ignorance is difficult to know how to handle.

As much as it pains me to hold my tongue, sometimes silence is the best option–the conversation too fleeting, the person too intransigent, the timing too awkward.  However, when possible, I think we should speak up for ourselves, for other infertile people, and for our children.  Although I know how hard it is to do, it really is best to assume that the person is ignorant, not malicious.

I employ the “educate briefly then change the subject” approach.

Clueless: For goodness sakes, why don’t you and Harvey just adopt?

You (suppressing a sigh): Infertility and adoption are both pretty complicated issues, and we’re considering a lot of options.  How in the world did you make this delicious bean dip? (Unsaid: Looks like Open (a can) and Dump (in a bowl) is the best you can do.)
OR
You: Neither infertility treatment nor adoption is easy or quick. Thanks for the suggestion, though.  By the way, I love your shoes.   Where in the world did you get them? (Unsaid: Do you think we have been trying for 3 years and haven’t yet thought of adoption?!?)

Ignoramus:  Adoption is just not the same as having your own child. OR Too bad you couldn’t have kids of your own. OR Is that your real child?

You (valiantly resisting the urge to smack the offensive mouth): Adoption and giving birth are certainly different ways to have a child, but either way, the child will be 100% ours.  Isn’t this a wonderful reception?
OR
You: Actually, we feel very blessed to have this wonderful child of our very own.  Can you believe the weather we’ve been having?
OR
You:  Yes, this is my lovely daughter; and yes, she is very real.  I’d offer to let you pinch her to make sure, but she’d probably scream a very real scream.  (Unsaid: And I’d have to hit you with my very real fist.)  Now, excuse me while I get back to squeezing these melons.

I know this is a bit naïve, but in some ways what offended me the most about the comments was that some of the most offensive and insensitive comments came from women.  I know that women don’t have a corner on the family desiring market, but honestly, is it too much to ask of other women, most of whom have or hope to have children, to at the very least understand the pain of someone who is struggling with this most basic desire?  Hey ladies, we need to support one another. Your path may not be mine, but I can at least understand your desire to be on the journey.

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The statement that adoption is not the same as having a child of your own is both remarkably accurate and remarkably wrong.  The first part—“not the same as”—is quite true.  Adoption and giving birth are two very different ways of creating your family.  Just as New York City and Paris are two different vacation destinations, or chocolate and vanilla are two different flavors of ice cream.

Adoptive parent don’t get to experience the joys and pains of pregnancy and birth.  They don’t have the visual proof of impending parenthood and the communal sharing this elicits.  They miss out on the wonder of seeing a tiny foot or head or butt make waves across the belly.  They don’t get to indulge in the pregnant parent’s favorite pastime–playing Guess the Gene. “Whose nose she will have” or “Will he get grandma’s gigantic feet?”  They likely won’t get to breastfeed exclusively.  The expense of adoption, while often similar to the expense of giving birth, is covered by the adoptive parents rather than insurance.  And then there is the worry about the unknown–prenatal exposures, genetic conditions, emotional state of the expectant mother, and on and on.

We seem to focus so readily on what adoptive parent miss by not giving birth that we overlook what parents by birth miss by not adopting.  As a mother by birth and adoption, I have often felt a little sorry for people who haven’t adopted.  They have missed so much.

If you haven’t adopted you haven’t felt the breath holding excitement of “getting the call” announcing that a birth mother has chosen you (domestic adoption) or that a child has been referred (international adoption).  You’ve missed the wonder of meeting a fully formed human being that is your child, complete with all the unspoken possibilities of that relationship.  Oh, and you’ll never have the pins and needles sensation of waiting to travel to pick up your child whether you’re driving across town or flying across an ocean—making lists, packing and unpacking, giggling at absolutely nothing, and worrying over absolutely everything.

People who’ve never adopted have never felt the overwhelming intensity of first meeting their child.  It’s hard to explain the giddy anticipation mixed with unnamed anxiety.  This combination of emotions helps etch even the tiniest details into your memory forever– the colors, the smells, the words, the emotions.  For me, this moment is one of my “mountain top experiences”.

Adoption can make the everyday seem miraculous.  The moment when this child that you met only a few months or even weeks before seeks you, and only you, out of the crowd with her eyes.  The moment when you realize that your small developmentally delayed child is now a robust into-everything preschooler, and the quiet pride you feel knowing that but for you, these gains may not have happened.  The contentment in knowing that you took a risk and it paid off.  A feeling of satisfaction unique to adoptive parents when we look around our Thanksgiving table and realize that we are a family created by choice and love.

Yes Marie, you’re so right.  Creating a family by adoption is not the same as creating a family by birth.  You couldn’t be more wrong, however, about the “child of your own” part.

I’m not exactly sure what Marie and others meant by “a child of your own”, but it implies a desire for a child who looks and acts like you.  A child you conceive will share half your DNA, and while it’s true that appearance and certain characteristics are influenced by genetics, what’s most interesting from research, as well as from my personal experience, is how little of our traits, personality, and intelligence are controlled exclusively by our genes.  (I highly recommend the Dec. 9, 2009 show we did on Nature vs. Nurture).

A child conceived and born of you and your spouse will be a mixing of two different gene pools, with a unique environment thrown in for good measure.  Your child by birth may be nothing like you at all.  I can honestly say that I am no more similar to my kids by birth than to my kid by adoption.  And for the record, similarities are overrated.  Being similar to a child doesn’t guarantee closeness or parental enjoyment.  In fact, sometimes it means just the opposite.  Also, it’s easy to find similarities with all your kids, if you look for them.

I suspect that those who made the comments are seeking a feeling of “this child is mine”.  But what they are missing is that this feeling comes through the acts of parenting.  Sure, giving birth is one act, and a big darn act at that, but parenting is made up of thousands of acts each day, and it is the sum total of all these acts of claiming that creates this feeling of “owness”.  Biology has little to do with it, unless you make it.

I worry a little when I hear the word “own” used in relation to our children.  I am sure that Marie would assure me that she wasn’t using “own” in the possessive sense, but I wonder.  I know that before I had children, and even when my children were young, I thought of them as an extension of myself.  It was only after my children grew older that I completely grasped the concept that I am only along for a short part of the ride.  I can influence and guide, but never own.  Don’t worry, I’m not going to go all Kahlil Gibran on you, but your kids are never really yours regardless how they join your family.

I can hear it now, all these things I mentioned that are special about adoption are not necessarily unique to adoption.  Parents by birth can and do have some of these same experiences.  True enough, but doesn’t that help make the bigger point?  I have always realized that I am immensely blessed to have had children by both birth and adoption. I can’t imagine not having had the joy and excitement of doing it both ways.  Neither way is superior; both are special, and both are great ways to have a child of your very own.

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Some startling statistics were reported.  Russia has more orphans now, 700,000, than at the end of World War II, when an estimated 25 million Soviet citizens were killed.  Russia has been trying to increase the number of domestic adoptions, but these adoptions have not been trouble free.  Approximately 30,000 of these domestic adoptions have disrupted within the last three years.  This figure certainly puts the stories of the few failed Russian international adoption to the US into perspective.  In  no way am I suggesting that we shouldn’t continue to improve our preparation of American, Canadian, and European families, I’m simply thankful that others are now willing to acknowledge that there is a bigger problem than just international adoption.

Way too many children in Russian orphanages have been damaged by institutionalized care and prenatal exposure to alcohol.  Any family adopting a child that has these risk factors needs to be prepared to work hard to help this child.  Just keeping the child in Russia is not a magic bullet to ensure success.

Although there have been efforts to address the fundamental problems of supporting birth families, preventing drinking during pregnancy, increasing domestic adoptions, and improving foster care, they have not been overwhelmingly successful.  This article points to the entrenched social welfare system which provides economic incentives to keeping kids in orphanages.  It appears that this system is fundamentally broken.

International adoptions are not the sole answer, although they have a place in helping the children who are currently in state care.  Not only are Russian international adoptions astronomically expensive, often costing over $50,000, but they aren’t a long term fix that is in the best interest of children.  Research on child welfare indicates that Russia must reduce drinking in pregnancy, discourage child abandonment, establish programs to heal birth families or support extended families to raise their children, and establish a strong foster care system to provide a safe place for children to land.  When families can’t or won’t heal, adoptive families should be sought, first in Russia, and then abroad.

I always get a little nervous when criticizing another country’s child welfare system.  Living in a glass house/country makes throwing stones particularly hazardous.  The US also struggles with some of these same issues.  Our foster care system has improved a lot since federal legislation was passed in the mid 1990s to require a time limit for birth parents to get their act together and added incentives for child welfare agencies to move kids to permanent families, but too many of our children continue to be bounced around between birth family, extended family, and foster care.

None of these solutions will be quick or easy for either Russia or the US; however, acknowledging the problem is the first step and I thank the Russian officials quoted in this article for taking this step.

P.S. May is National Foster Care Month. If you think you could be a foster family for a great kid in foster care, check out the National Foster Care Month website.

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We have developed a reputation as the “Easter Egg Hunt” group.  Yes, I know it isn’t Easter, but we usually go over Easter, and we’ve become quite popular for importing this distinctly American tradition.  And let’s face it—the religious significance of hiding and finding plastic candy-filled eggs is limited at best.  We all know deep down that it’s about the candy and the hunt.  From my perspective, stuffing and hiding 900 eggs is a small price to pay for popularity.

These are well run orphanages.  They have adequate numbers of workers and the children are well cared for.  The children go to school—a few even go to an outstanding private school and have volunteers to help with homework each afternoon.  Most important, these orphanages are grounded in their community.  Local vendors donate most of the food.  A local Mexican church provides support and volunteers.  Church members bring the children into their homes one weekend a month and offer support and rehabilitation services to their parents.

Orphanages such as these are held up by those who oppose international adoption.  These kids are being raised in their culture by their community.  They are well fed, clothed, and educated.  They don’t need to be “rescued” by Americans and Europeans, thank you very much.

True enough, but consider these two incidents that happened a few hours apart.  At one orphanage, the house parents have a beautiful 18 month old son named Enoch.  Our project at this orphanage was to lay concrete pavers under the clotheslines so that the kids and workers wouldn’t be standing in the dirt or mud while hanging clothes.  (For the record, I’d liked to point out the verb “lay” is way too passive to describe a process that includes a pick ax, shovels, rakes, wheel barrows, levels, mallets, and tons of filthy fill dirt.)  Enoch was a constant presence as we worked.  At one point, a paver standing on end toppled onto his finger.  He burst into tears, and his father, who was working nearby, came running.  After sufficient cuddling he calmed down until his mother appeared.  Even though he had been quiet for about five minutes, as soon as he saw her, he held up his finger and started crying again.  As should be the birthright of all toddlers, she scooped him up and kissed the finger properly until it was all better.

Later that day we went to the “baby house” for their Easter Egg hunt.  Sixteen children ranging in age from two to six live at this “house”, and on this day three caregivers were present.  The play room was bright and clean, the children well dressed, and the little girls’ hair cutely styled in braids or ponytails.  Before the hunt, we sat the children down at the table to decorate their “Easter baskets” (otherwise known as paper bags).  Angel, age two, started to cry softly the moment he was plopped into the chair. He continued to cry while the others were happily decorating their bags.  I tried to comfort him and divert his attention, but he wasn’t buying it.  Finally, I asked one of the workers what was wrong and should we do something.  She looked over and replied that he was just crying because he wasn’t sitting near his brother.  No big deal, he’d get over it.  She took him away to sit in the time-out chair until he stopped crying.

Angel was clearly well fed, clean, and cute as a button. The caregiver’s treatment wasn’t harsh.   It was simply matter of fact.  Fifteen other kids needed attention, and his condition wasn’t critical.  I doubt she even realized he was crying, but when she saw, she knew the reason, and knew that he’d get over it.  But the contrast between Angel and Enoch was striking.  Enoch was special; he was the apple of someone’s eye.  Angel was not.

It’s hard to be special when you are one of 16.  By international standards this orphanage is one of the best.  It is fairly small; has a sufficient number of caregivers with low turn over; plenty of space, toys, and food; and is supported by the surrounding community. This best, however, isn’t good enough. Children need more; children need parents.

I don’t deny the potential problems with international adoption—too much money entering poor countries serving as an enticement to pull children from families that would otherwise stay together, the difficulty of preparing parents for the potential of a traumatized child, the money paid by international adoptions overriding the preference to find domestic adoptive families, and on and on.  But despite these problems, because of kids like Angel, I remain a fervent supporter of adoption.  Yes, first adoptive families in country should be sought, but if not found, then the needs of the child for a family should trump everything else, and parents should be found elsewhere.  The Angel’s of the world deserve to be the apple of someone’s eye.

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Potentially adoptable children in Haiti can be divided into four categories.

• Category 1: Children whose adoption by a “foreigner” had been finalized in Haitian court and they were simply awaiting their documentation for travel.
• Category 2: Children who had been matched with an adoptive family but the adoption had not been finalized in court, but the parents had a “prior relationship” with the child.
• Category 3: Children who were declared “orphans” before the earthquake, but had not been matched with an adoptive family.
• Category 4: Children who have come into orphanages after the January 12 earthquake.

The US Citizenship and Immigration Services, the US State Department, and the Haitian government agreed shortly after the quake to expedite the US immigration process to allow Category 1 and 2 children to come to the US. Approximately 900 of these kids are already in their new homes and another 350 are still being processed.  Category 1 was fairly clear cut since the adoptions were already finalized, and the children simply needed permission to travel to the US without the usual travel document.  Category 2 was trickier from an immigration and adoption standpoint, and the exact process for finalizing the adoptions and granting US citizenship hasn’t been completely worked out yet, but no one doubts that the adoptions will be processed and the kids will be granted citizenship.

It is not clear what will happen with the children who were eligible for adoption prior to the earthquake, but had yet to be matched with an adoptive family (Category 3).  It’s hard to make any generalizations about adoptions from Haiti.  The current law is very restrictive about who is allowed to adopt (e.g. married 10 years and childless, or single and childless); however, prior to the quake it was possible to request a presidential waiver to adopt if you did not meet these requirements.  Adoptions for parents that met the strict criteria often took 2-3 years, and all bets were off on how long it would take for parents that did not meet these restrictions and were requesting a presidential waiver.

A law to revise the Haitian adoption laws has been pending in Haiti’s Parliament for over a year prior to the earthquake.  This law would allow adoption by couples married five years and families with up to two children (biological or adopted).  I don’t know how much support exists in Parliament for this bill or how the negative publicity caused by the American group caught trying to bring a group of Haitian children to an orphanage in the Dominican Republic will affect its chances of passing.  No doubt the Haitian Parliament has a lot on its plate right now, and this bill is not their top priority.  This session of Parliament ends in May, and I suspect that the chances are not great that this bill will be considered before then.  So, it looks like we will be working under the old adoption law for the foreseeable future, but most adoption folks are predicting that presidential waivers will be harder to get since the presidential offices are swamped with other more urgent business post earthquake.

There is a bill pending in the US Congress that would expedite the adoption and immigration of children caught in Category 3 since the adoption process in Haiti shut down after January 12.  Although I hope I’m wrong, I doubt this bill will pass.  The US seldom acts to circumvent another countries adoption procedures or to expedite the usual immigration process.  The Haitian adoption authority signaled that they do not need this help when they recently started accepting adoption dossiers (adoption applications and supporting paperwork) again.  Acceptance of dossiers in theory means that there is no need for the US to act, but in no way means that children will be placed with families anytime soon.  The Haitian courts and other necessary infrastructure are barely functioning at present.  Many other urgent matters need attention.  Adoptions are not at the top of the list.

No one is suggesting that children orphaned in the earthquake (Category 4) become available for adoption in the near future, since it is too early to tell whether they are truly orphaned.  Extended family either in Haiti or abroad may be willing and able to raise them.  The European Parliament and various aid organizations, such as UNICEF and Save the Children, have suggested a two year moratorium on adoptions to allow for this process.  I don’t pretend to know how much time is needed, but we must balance the preference for extended families to raise their children with the need for a permanent family as soon as possible.  At some point, all agree that many of these children will be declared orphans and eligible for adoption.  Unfortunately, unless the Haitian adoption process is reformed, the reality is that most of these children will spend far too much of their childhoods in an institution, on the streets, or working as a domestic servant.  It’s hard to imagine a scenario under the current law where any of these children will be adopted within the next three years, and it will likely be much longer for most.   Three plus years is an eternity in childhood.

P.S.  The needs in Haiti extend far beyond the needs of orphans.  Haiti needs the help of the world to rebuild after the earthquake and to employ its citizens.  There is a movement by some companies, including Old Navy and The Gap, to move some of their textile manufacturing to Haiti.  We need to support this effort by choosing products manufactured in Haiti.  Check out this cool article in Time magazine about these efforts.

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The facts simply don’t add up.  Torry Hansen, a thirty- three year old single woman and registered nurse who lives near her extended family in Shelbyville, Tennessee, adopted Artyom Savelyev from the Far East region of Russia in September 2009.  All adoptions from Russia require parents to meet the child on one trip. They are given the medical and social history of this child to take home and consider before deciding to adopt.  If they decide to adopt that child they go back to Russia to finalize the adoption.  Presumably this process was followed in Artyom’s adoption. Prior to the adoption Artyom had been removed from his alcoholic mother and placed in an orphanage.  His age at removal and how long he lived at the orphanage have not been reported.

Hansen used WACAP Adoption Agency to process this adoption.  Since WACAP is located in Oregon and Hansen in Tennessee, WACAP partnered with Adoption Assistance, Inc., a local Tennessee adoption agency to prepare the home study.  A home study is in part to evaluate the parent’s suitability to adopt and in part to educate and prepare the parent to adopt.  At the end of the home study, the social worker prepares a report that is sent to Russia approving the family to adopt.

Russia requires post adoption reports be submitted at 6, 12, 24 and 36 months after placement.  In preparation for the submittal of the first post adoption report a social worker from Adoption Assistance visited Hansen and Artyom, whom she had named Justin, in January of this year, four months after he arrived home.  The social worker noted no problems and said that Artyom appeared to be adjusting and Hansen was enthusiastic.

Artyom’s American grandmother, Nancy Hansen, told the Associated Press that behavior problems began after January.  She said Artyom started hitting, kicking and spitting when he didn’t get his way.  He threatened to burn down the house and drew a picture of a burning house with his family inside.  Nancy Hansen says her daughter talked with a psychologist, but never had Artyom evaluated and apparently never began family therapy.

In March, Hansen contacted a Russian lawyer to ask about options to “annul” the adoption.  Last week, Nancy Hansen flew with Artyom to Washington DC and put him on a United Airlines flight to Moscow–alone.  They had hired a “tour guide” found online for $200 to pick up the boy at the airport and drop him off at the Ministry of Education.  A note pinned to Artyom’s jacket explained:

“This child is mentally unstable. He is violent and has severe psychopathic issues.  …I was lied to and misled by the Russian Orphanage workers and director regarding his mental stability and other issues. …After giving my best to this child, I am sorry to say that for the safety of my family, friends, and myself, I no longer wish to parent this child. …As a Russian national, I am turning him over to your guardianship.”

It seems inadequate to say that this is a tragedy.  It will make us all feel better to blame someone—the mother, the agency, the orphanage officials, international adoption in general.  We think we can make sense of the unimaginable if we can find the one person or thing to blame.   I’m certainly not saying these players are blameless, but pointing the finger at any one of them allows us to avoid the bigger, harder picture.

Fingers most quickly point to Torry Hansen.  True enough, her actions are unjustifiable.  She may well have reached the end of her rope, but from the outside looking in, it certainly seems as if her rope was mighty short to begin with.  She claims she was lied to about Artyom’s mental conditions and behavior by the Russian orphanage officials.  In truth, it wouldn’t surprise me if indeed the orphanage workers didn’t report behavioral problems.  Some kids don’t act out in an orphanage setting because it’s not safe.  Sometimes rapid turn over amongst orphanage workers prevents them from knowing the kids well enough to see problems.  Sometimes the officials or workers that talk to the parents never spend any time with the kids and have no idea of their behavior.  Sometimes orphanages lie because they don’t think the child will be adopted if they tell the truth.

However, adoptive parents have a responsibility to investigate on their own potential problems.  Anyone who adopts a 7 year old child who was removed from an alcoholic mother due to abuse and neglect and raised in an institution shouldn’t need an orphanage official to tell her there may be psychological problems.  Most parents adopting from Russia have a US doctor specializing in international adoption review the medical and social records of a child they are considering.  I have no doubt that most international adoption doctors would have said this child was at risk for neurological damage and attachment disorders since his mother was an alcoholic, he was abused and neglected prior to being removed from her, and was then raised in an orphanage. Most social workers would also have prepared the parent for this possibility during the home study even without specific evidence from the orphanage of these problems.  A quick perusal of any internet Russian adoption forum would also have put Hansen on alert for the possibility of these problems prior to adoption.

Nancy Hansen claims that the problems didn’t begin until after January.  She started looking for a way to return Artyom one month later. I suspect problems existed before that, but even if they had lasted six months that is too soon to give up on an adoption.  In no way do I minimize the pain, the trauma, the hard unrewarding work of raising a child with either fetal alcohol syndrome or attachment disorders, or heaven forbid both.  Children with FAS and attachment disorders can be helped, but it takes time and good therapy.  Hansen gave Artyom neither.   And when time and therapy don’t work, legal humane ways exist to disrupt the adoption and find a new and safe place for the child.

The fingers of the blame game are also pointing at the adoption agency.  I have not spoken with WACAP, but they have the reputation for being a good agency that tries to prepare parents for the reality of adopting an institutionalized older child. They require 10 hours of adoption education pre-adoption, which is more than the industry standard for Russian adoptions.  They require parents to research pre-adoption local resources that are available to help a child with attachment or behavioral issues.  They ask parents to address how they might handle various “what if” scenarios that might arise with a child that has been abused, neglected, institutionalized, or affected by drugs and alcohol.  This is standard for WACAP, and I have no reason to believe this type of education did not take place with Hansen.

A social worker visited 4 months post placement.  I think a visit closer to placement is preferable with older child adoption, but since according to the grandmother and to the social worker she didn’t acknowledge problem at 4 months, it’s unlikely that more and sooner visits would have helped.  It is possible that she stayed quiet about the problems because she feared being judged.  Good Morning America reported that she had applied to adopt another child and perhaps she feared that she would be denied the second adoption if she acknowledged problems with the first.  Perhaps she felt that she should be able to handle things on her own.  Perhaps she was a hopeless optimist believing that love or her faith would conquer all.  Perhaps her tolerance for acting out really was so low that she would “return” a child after one month of misbehavior. Perhaps she was clueless.

It is true that the agency actually doing the training was not WACAP.  Usually, for legal and ethical reasons the placing adoption agency keeps a tight rein on the home study agency, but maybe that failed in this case. There is a fine line between preparing adequately and terrifying needlessly.  Maybe the social worker erred when searching for that balance.

Russian officials are quick to blame the institution of international adoption and the American system.  Russian President Dmitri Medvedev said, “We should understand what is going on with our children, or we will totally refrain from the practice” of allowing Americans to adopt.  While I agree that the American system of international adoption should be reexamined in light of this case, I also think that the Russians have room for self evaluation as well.  Being put on a plane for Russia was the last in a series of tragedies in this small child’s life.  We don’t know the specifics of this case, but we do know that far too many children in Russia are suffering from Fetal Alcohol Syndrome from a prevalence of drinking during pregnancy and attachment disorders from dismal institutionalized care.  The damage caused by these practices is often irreparable regardless whether the child is adopted into a loving American home or Russian home.

I agree completely that Russia has the right to establish adoption standards and to question our compliance, but in addition, if they want to really help their children they should improve the care of their children pre-adoption to increase the odds of a successful placement in any family—Russian or American or any place in between.

The uncomfortable truth is that there is no way to prevent this from happening again, just as there is no way to prevent all forms of child abuse. We can set standards for adoption education, we can make prospective parents listen and read and talk, but you can’t make all of them understand.  Closing down international adoption isn’t the solution.  The reality is that children are being abused daily in orphanages throughout the world in far greater numbers than they are in their adoptive homes.  Even the best of institutions pale by comparison to even the most average adoptive home. Hansen’s home was not the norm.

Kids aren’t objects that can be returned once a defect is found.  We aren’t given any warranties when our kids arrive, regardless whether they come to us through birth or adoption.  One screwed up woman who failed to grasp this fact shouldn’t be able to eradicate the day-in, day-out 24/7 work being done by thousands of adoptive families that are helping to heal badly damaged children and who sometimes wish they could return them, but do not and would not even if given the opportunity.

P.S. The Creating a Family radio show this week will be on Adopting a Child with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and Drug Exposure.

P.P.S. Please check out the We Are The Truth: A Campaign and Call to Action by the Joint Council of Children’s Services   “You, the community of adoptees, adoptive parents, adoptive grandparents, child welfare professionals and child advocates know that the outrageous and indefensible actions of one parent are not indicative of how children are treated by adoptive families.  You know that families who encounter difficulties do not simply abandon their child.  You know that help is available, that solutions are found and that families can thrive.  And you know that suspending adoption does not protect children but only subjects them to the depravity of an institution…and an entire life without a family.”

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