Now, there are two versions of what happened next.  Let’s just go with the preferred version. I was climbing the Spanish Steps when I heard a voice of a lover from long ago call my name.  When turning, I stepped off the step wrong, twisting my ankle and ending up on crutches.  The preferred version sounds so much better than missing a step coming out of a gelato shop, doesn’t it?  I have always been a bit disdainful of the bright red or yellow line painted on steps to delineated where the step begins, but no more.  I now think every step needs at least one, preferably two  bright lines. Te up side is that my toe nails are newly polished, which is very nice since my foot is getting so much attention.

In any event, I’m here and planning getting the most out of this conference.  It is absolutely huge.  I’ll be blogging daily on what I’m learning,  so check back often.

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There is both so much happening and so little happening, that the confusion is understandable.  First, let’s talk about what is happening.  The US State Department and Citizenship and Immigration Services issued an unprecedented policy on Jan. 18, 2010 allowing children from Haiti that were already in the adoption process to come to the US before their adoptions are finalized.  They walked a fine line, and in my opinion walked it well, when crafting this policy.  They wanted to expedite bringing children that were legitimately “orphaned” over to the US, while at the same time, not opening the floodgate to children who could and should be cared for in Haiti.

The US does not need help in getting these kids to the US.  They also do not want or need adoptive families to go to Haiti to pick up their children.  There is an abundance of empty planes flying back to the US after dropping off relief supplies and the US Embassy is using these planes to bring home kids.  The US Embassy has acknowledged that it is chaotic right now getting orphans to the embassy and determining if they meet the criteria for expedited entry into the US (known as “humanitarian parole”), but more people thrown into the mix will not help sort out the chaos.

If you were in the process of adopting a child from Haiti prior to the earthquake, immediately contact both the CIS (haitianadoptions at dhs.gov) and the DOS (ASKCI at state.gov) with the name of your child, the name of the orphanage, and any other relevant information on how far along your adoption had progressed prior to Jan. 12, 2010.

Why you might ask, would they care about opening the floodgate for bringing all Haitian children to the US?  After all, these are children for goodness sake, and children in need of care!  I answered that question in an earlier blog (Adopting from Haiti Post Earthquake), but the crib note version is that child welfare experts believe that, if at all possible, it is in a child’s best interest to remain with their family or extended family.  We need to channel our desire to help into giving money to organizations that can help families care for their children during this crisis.  Organizations such as the Joint Council for International Children Services and  Holt International have  projects on the ground in Haiti right now to help families and help kids.

Another thing that is happening is the State Department and CIS are working on plans to expedite bringing children orphaned by the earthquake to live with family members in the US.  Although, not finalized, they hope to have this policy in place once it has been determined which children were orphaned.

But there is much frustration both here in the US and in Haiti about how little seems to be getting accomplished and how much remains to be done.  I imagine there will be a lot of finger pointing in the coming weeks about how things could have been done better, and some of the criticism may be well placed.  But honestly, I think we need to give it some time.  From what I read, relief supplies are flooding into Haiti.  The problem is getting the supplies distributed within Haiti and all the relief organizations are actively working to resolve this problem.  There are no plans at this time to airlift or boatlift or in any way bring children over to the US for fostering.

I hope that the desire of these families that are stepping forward to foster Haitian children will stay alive because in the future there likely will be many more Haitian children in need of permanent adoptive families.  No one knows when it will be possible to adopt from Haiti again, but I firmly believe adoptions will resume.  If there is a silver lining in all this tragedy, it would be the overhaul of the Haitian adoption process, which is badly in need of “modernization” (aka “improvement”).

I am so touched by the inherent good I see in so many people who never before thought they were “the type” to take in a child.  And even those who don’t want to foster a child are donating money.  Two-thirds of Americans will donate to Haitian relief. My faith in basic human kindness has been boosted.  And for this, I am grateful.

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Now the truth is, I’m a luxury type gal. I don’t necessarily have the money for it, but when I think of escapes, I think of luxury—good food, good wine, good book, hot water, and 300 thread-count sheets. Unfortunately for me, the group of friends I escape with think of backpacks, mountain trails, and canned food. And I willingly, even eagerly, sign up each year.

We hike about 7 miles up a mountain to sleep in double bunk beds under scratchy blankets in a rustic cabin with no electricity. Our food selection is equally Spartan, and it turns out that no one makes decent wine that comes in a carton. (Truly a missed business opportunity, if you ask me.)

But oh my, the sights we see along the way: tiny bluets peeking out of their tiny leafed cushions, bold white trilliums looking like they own the trail, masses of dainty wild violets, boulders covered with furry moss that begs you to stroke it to see if it feels as good as it looks, waterfalls of all sizes, stream beds masquerading as trails, and clean green vistas that make your head spin and heart sing. As spectacular as all that is, the best part for me is the talking and sharing and listening. We talk about our lives, the good and the not so good. We read poetry to each other. We laugh a lot. We recharge.

So each year I engage in that wonderful thing called amnesia. I forget about the sore shoulders, sitting on my butt to get down stairs for the following two days, and yucky food. I remember the vistas, the wildflowers, and the fresh smells. Mostly I remember the laughing, the talking, and the friendship. There is nothing like female friendship to sustain the soul.

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Actually, this brings back such memories. I can proudly say that they are now just memories since all four of my kids do their business in the potty. (Not much to be proud of since 3 of them are teens, but hey, with teens I don’t get much to brag about, so humor me.) I actually wrote an article on bedwetting that got picked up by the Associated Press and for a while, when you googled my name you would get a bunch of stuff on bed wetting. (Again, not much to brag about, but…)

I am not one to attribute all problems to adoption, but in fact, major trauma during the time when kids are beginning to take control over their bladder and bowels (potty training sound so much better, doesn’t it) can interfere with and complicate the process. And adoption, no matter how much better it might be for the child in the long run, is a major trauma to a child. I haven’t read any studies that say that children adopted between the ages of 2 and 4 are more likely to struggle with potty training, but anecdotally, I believe this to be true. If your child is newly adopted, don’t worry about accidents or regression. This blog is not intended to talk about this situation. Best bet, is establish routines, offer unconditional love and quickly respond to your child’s needs. This blog is aimed for kids that have been in the home a while and that you believe are capable of being toilet trained.

There is no one perfect solution that will work for all children. Your situation is unique, and so is your child, but I can share a philosophy and a few tricks that might help. Daytime and nighttime wetting are usually two entirely different things, and should be handled differently. I’ll start with daytime wetting. First, if your child is younger than 3 ½ don’t worry about it. The ability to control bodily functions is a combination of physical and mental maturity, physical development, temperament, and environment, and each child will reach this milestone at a different time. If your 3 ½ year old is still having frequent daytime accidents, make sure there are no medical reasons interfering. Absent medical problems, most children are moving very steadily towards daytime control by the time they are 3 and at the latest four years old. Of course, lots of kids have an occasional slip up when they are having fun and don’t want to stop to go pee, or when they don’t want to ask for permission to leave the classroom, or when they don’t want to go poop away from home, or when they just plain forget. For those cases, simply reminding them or having a mandatory pee break usually works. One commenter at The Accidental Mommy suggested giving the child a watch and set it to beep every hour to remind him to go to the bathroom. I really liked that idea because it puts the responsibility on the child to remember to go to the bathroom. Setting it every hour seemed a bit excessive, but you get the idea.

But sometimes the failure to potty train during the day means this issue has become a power struggle between parent and child. My basic rule for power struggles is to sidestep them when possible, but when you can’t avoid them, make darn sure you win. Your kid has control over what goes in and comes out of his body, so you will lose this battle every time. If youc an’t win, then don’t let this be a battle. Daytime accidents can also be an attention getting activity. Think about it, mommy or the teacher has to stop what they are doing and give little Suzy one on one attention. At some schools they give the child a new pair of underpants, and hey, free stuff is pretty cool.

The most important step to helping your child achieve daytime control after the age of 3 ½ or so is a parental attitude shift. Going to the bathroom is your child’s problem and achievement, not yours. Absent power struggles or attention craving, most kids don’t want to pee or poop on themselves. Your role is minimal, although I strongly encourage you to simplify your life and stay close to home while you implement this new attitude.

Since it is your child’s issue, your child should handle as much of the hassle associated with accidents as possible. They should change their clothes on their own and put the wet clothes in the washing machine. If their underpants are dirty they should rinse them in the toilet. (You do need to supervise this, and if your child is one of those that likes to play in their poop, I wouldn’t let them do it.) They should clean up any puddles. Feel free to set a high standard for cleanup since there can be an odor and stain issue. The most important part of turning this responsibility over to your child is your attitude. This is not a punishment, and your attitude should not be punitive. You are simply acknowledging that your child is ultimately in charge of his daytime bathroom habits, and being in charge means taking care of the mess.

Although you can’t make your child go to the bathroom, you can give her incentives to want to avoid accidents. I give a lot of suggestions at the adoption resources page of www.CreatingaFamily.org under potty training. If you are already in a power struggle with your little darling over this issue, I would wait a long while before I did any of the incentive suggestions, because your little darling might perceive these techniques as just another round in the battle. The key is to do all things in a matter of fact way, with no ulterior punishment motive.

Do not interfere with the natural consequences of failing to be potty trained. If you can’t take your child someplace because you aren’t convinced he can stay dry, then you hire a sitter, and explain that he will be able to come when he’s able to stay dry. Personally I would make sure I hired a very boring sitter. If your child can’t go to a particular pre-school or has to be in a younger class, fine. Don’t interfere or try to prevent this. It is a natural part of not being dry. Reassure your child that he will soon be able to control his pee and poop.

What to do about pull-ups during the day in a child over 4 that you believe is capable of going to the bathroom? The basic rule of thumb is that doing your business in the potty is what you do at this age. If you don’t, you are responsible for the hassle. How pull-ups fit into this strategy changes. For example, in the situation in the FAQ I received, the mother thought the child was enjoying the attention she was getting at school when she had an accident, and the child did not want to wear pull-ups. In that situation, I recommended that the mom insist on pull-ups until her daughter was dry for a week. . “We wear pull ups until we can be dry. Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll be ready soon.” (I would also work with the school so that the child wasn’t being rewarded with attention for wetting herself.) However, in most other situations I don’t recommend pull-ups because they cut down on the hassle, and I want to maximize the hassle to encourage her that it is easier to go pee in the potty. If YOU need the child to wear pull-ups because you need to go someplace and know that an accident will cause work for you, then by all means, have your child wear them, but make them the exception to the rule.

As for nighttime wetting, I am convinced after all my research that the only logical and sanity preserving approach is to let nature take its course. Research has shown that almost all bedwetters stop on their own when their bladder has matured and sleep patterns changed. There is no research to show that the bed alarms work, and there is plenty of anecdotal evidence that they disrupt not only the child’s sleep, but the rest of the house as well.

But, once your child is 4 or so, you should not be up with him in the night to take care of a wet bed. Sleep is too important for being a happy and good parent. Your child should be taking care of herself and getting herself back to sleep in the middle of the night without waking you. In our house, we made sure we had good mattress protection (I bought the cheap ones and made sure I had an extra because we wore out quite a few), a pile of old large towels, and an extra blanket in their room. In the middle of the night if they woke up wet, they could put a few towels on the bed and go back to sleep or they could choose to sleep on the floor. (For whatever reason, most of my kids liked to sleep on the floor, so this was fine with them.) If they were prone to pee twice in the night, which most kids aren’t, I would make sure that there was plastic for them to spread under them if they chose the floor. The key is that you shouldn’t be awakened in the night to help. Let them brainstorm on what they need in the middle of the night to get themselves back to sleep. (One of my kids came up with the towel idea.)

Simplify your bedding. We used a bottom fitted sheet, a washable blanket, and no bedspread. This made clean up easier in the morning and remaking the bed easier at night. In the morning, if the bed was wet, the child was responsible for stripping the bed, wiping off the mattress pad, and putting everything in the washing machine. If I was upstairs, I might help them, but not always. Before bed, they got the bedding out of the dryer and remade the bed. I might help, but it wasn’t my job.

I don’t really know what to say about using pull-ups at night. We vacillated, which is probably not the best idea. At first we used them most of the time, but as the child got older and started staying dry more, we moved away from them. Even then, I would periodically get tired of washing bedding each day, and we would go back to them. The problem with pull-ups is they take away the negative consequence of feeling wet and uncomfortable, and might prolong bedwetting. I’m not sure that feeling wet does much to help a child stay dry at n ight, so it is entirely up to you and your child. For the most part, I’d let the child decide. Even though there is no evidence to show that it works, I would always wake my bedwetters up and take them to the bathroom before I went to sleep at 11:00 or so. I couldn’t help feeling that it would help to give them a fighting chance if we got every little bit of urine out. It didn’t work, but I still did it. Isn’t that the classic sign of stupidity—continuing to do what you know doesn’t work?!?

We never made a big deal out of bedwetting and we assured them that this was natural for some kids, and that they would eventually outgrow it when their bladder got bigger. At six, one of my kids was worried that he was still wetting the bed, so I explained it to him using two different sizes of balloons. The smaller balloon filled much faster than the larger balloon. He could understand that his bladder was like the smaller balloon. He seemed to accept his bladder was the size it was, just like his feet were the size they were.

My bedwetters always had pull-ups and a plastic bag to put the wet pull-up in for sleepovers. A friend of mine, who wet the bed until she was 13, told me that when she was almost 13, her mother told her that she could have new sheets and bed spread when she stopped wetting the bed. Apparently, that incentive helped her, because she got the bedspread within six months. I suppose that shows that sometimes a little motivation can help, but I wouldn’t try this until the child was much older.

Some experienced parents can be awfully smug, assuming that their way was the best way. I don’t think that. There is no one best way. If you are in the midst of a major power struggle with your child, don’t blame yourself. Some kids are gifted at sucking us into these struggles. It’s not too late to extricate yourself. I hope these suggestions help. If you are in the “been there, done that” crowd and actually read all the way through this blog, please share what worked for you.

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Blogging Queen: Actually, traditionally you post 100 things on your 100th blog.
Me: No way!
BQ: Yep, way.
Me: There are not 100 things to be said about me, much less 100 interesting things.
BQ: Well, truthfully, no one is very interesting after about 50, so hence the birth of the 50 thing tradition.
Me: My blog is not about me, so this tradition doesn’t apply.
BQ: If you use the pronoun “I”, it’s about you.
Me: There is something uncomfortably self-absorbed in thinking that someone other than your mother would want to read 50 things about you.
BQ: Oh, get over it. Blogging is inherently egotistical, and you’re no exception.
Me: Sigh.

1. I am married to my best friend, which is not to say that he doesn’t drive me crazy at least half the time.
2. I always wanted kids, and always wanted to adopt kids. I played with dolls until it was socially unacceptable.
3. I now have four kids by birth and adoption—three of which are currently teen-agers. (Sainthood is a distinct possibility.)
4. I like teen-agers—most of the time. This morning was not one of those times. Come to think of it, this week month has not been one of those times.
5. We moved from a huge city to a small town in the mountains 10 years ago because we wanted to raise our children in a different environment. I’ve never regretted that decision, although in retrospect, it wasn’t the best for my career.
6. We currently have one dog with gender identity issues, one cat with bulimia, and one cat with poodle envy–he licks his fur off to approximate a poodle cut. No way would we have ever “passed” an adoption home study if we had these animals back when we were adopting.
7. I have taught the high school youth at my church for the past 13 years. (Sainthood is looking more likely.)
8. I have lead groups to work at orphanages abroad for the past four years. I have visited or worked in orphanages in Mexico, Korea, and Guatemala.
9. It’s my dream to create a non-profit to connect groups and churches to orphanages for supplies, mission trips, and medical care.
10. I value kindness above all else.
11. PK (pre-kids), my husband and I traveled the perimeter of the US for six months in a VW camper named Gus.
12. Oh yea, my cars have names and genders.
13. I’m a runner—more steady than fast.
14. I love to garden both vegetables and perennials.
15. I live in a ladybug infested house. I don’t know why, but we have literally hundreds of ladybugs inside our house throughout the year, especially in the winter. The downside is ladybug landings while working, cooking, or reading; the upside is that my garden is aphid free. Heck, I doubt there is an aphid within 5 miles of my house.
16. I can’t believe I have 34 things to go.
17. We homeschooled one of our children full time for 3 years, and part time for 4 more years. I hope this is the last year!
18. Learning differences and ADD are a part of our lives; not always welcome, but always there.
19. I don’t love to fly. It’s not a phobia or anything that dramatic, but I consciously have to decide that I won’t let this fear affect what I do. There was a period of time after 9/11 that I insisted that my husband and I fly separately, unless we were traveling as a family. My reasoning was that I didn’t want to orphan any of our kids, but if we were all going to die we might as well do it together. OK, maybe I am a bit phobic about flying.
20. We play a board game, dominoes, or cards almost every night at dinner. I honestly think it helps the conversation, although trash talking doesn’t really count as communication does it?
21. I’ve lost the battle with potty humor at my house. I live in fear that my children will slip up in public.
22. I live in a beautiful valley in a house built in 1865.
23. I love to teach at the college level. I’ve taught undergraduates and law students. I also absolutely love consulting with people who are trying to find the best way to form their family. It’s a lot like teaching.
24. I was an elementary school teacher for one year right after college. I struggled mightily with classroom control. I wouldn’t struggle now.
25. I have a Masters of Science degree in environmental science and worked as an environmental scientist for a couple of years before law school.
26. I was an attorney in my previous life.
27. I am a trained mediator and mediated complex cases for a number of years.
28. Darn, why didn’t I do this list after my 25th post so I would be finished now?
29. I love sweets and can’t seem to give them up, even when I have really tried. Does this constitute an addiction? (There goes sainthood.)
30. Speaking of addictions, I’m addicted to podcasts—anything from Wait, Wait Don’t Tell Me to Good Food to This American Life. I can’t imagine vacuuming or gardening without them. I love it when someone tells me they dust, run, or drive to work while listening to the Creating a Family show.
31. In the morning, I used to get up early to read parenting books, then I switched to self-help or personal growth books, then to spiritual development books, and now, I sleep in. I wonder what that means. Hey, this list is better than therapy. All psychological interpretations are welcome.
32. I love to cook. I don’t especially love to cook for an unappreciative crowd, meaning two out of my four kids.

Me: OK, I tried, but there aren’t 50 interesting things to be said about me. I think I should be a trailblazer and start the 32 Things Tradition.
BQ: Stop whining and dig deeper. And so help me, if you resort to something lame like your favorite color, I will publicly embarrass you.

33. My favorite season is late spring. Not early spring—no, early spring is a tease. I love it when the temperature has settled into a steady climb upward, the horizon is misted with various shades of clean green, the perennials are reborn, and the garden is full of baby lettuce and peas.
34. My favorite food is everything. I love it all, as long as it’s not too spicy hot.
35. My favorite book—well, that would be like picking your favorite child. My favorite of the last few books I’ve read are As Hot as It Was You Ought to Thank Me by Nanci Kincaid, The Lottery by Patricia Wood, and The Season of Lillian Dawes by Katherine Mosby.
36. My favorite type of music is also impossible to pick since it depends on what I’m doing. Bob Seger is hard to beat for running, but Jack Johnson and Panic at the Disco are close seconds. Ben Folds and Carbon Leaf are good for driving. Jimmy Buffet, the Beatles, and the Rolling Stones’ Top 100 Songs Collection can’t be beat for cleaning up the kitchen after dinner. And “The Middle” by Jimmy Eat World is the only song I can play well on Guitar Hero, and by “well” I mean not getting booed off the stage.
37. I used to scuba dive frequently, but kids have greatly complicated that.
38. I have to read every night before I go to sleep even if I’m really tired. Reading right before sleep limits what I can read since really sad, scary, or heavy books are not bedtime material. Neither is most non-fiction.
39. I play too much solitaire on the computer.
40. I make really good muffins and granola bars. (Man, I’m really scraping the bottom of the barrel. Aren’t you glad I did this list before I reached 100 blog posts? But hey, my muffins and granola bars are really good. We had a granola bar bake-off in my house this Christmas to create the best somewhat healthy approximation of the Nature Valley Sweet & Salty Bars. If you share the link to my site or radio show with at least five other forums or blogs, I might just share my recipe with you.)
41. I hate cold weather. I really really hate to be cold. I should have thought about that before I moved to the mountains.
42. I was on the swim team in college even though I’m really slow. They were desperate for someone who could swim 1600 meters without drowning. Swim I can, fast I can’t. I was often still swimming while the others in the race had already showered and dressed. I suffered this humiliation because of a crush on a really cute guy on the men’s team.
43. I channel my cats—meaning that they speak through me. Don’t ask– I must be running very low on ideas to share that one.
44. I have extremely tight muscles. I am probably the least flexible person on earth, which might lead you to think that I set aside time every day to stretch. NOT.
45. My eldest daughter is living in Korea for this year (and maybe the following year), and I miss her terribly. We are reaching the point where we can be friends, rather than just mother and daughter.
46. My short term memory was never very good and seems to be getting worse. I have to make daily lists and use tricks like post-it notes on the door and writing on the palm of my hand. Strangely, I have very good long term memory. In the past I’ve attributed my lack of short term memory to the multitasking required with parenting and working, but now I’m not so sure.
47. Hallelujah, only 3 more to go. I imagine you are as thankful as I am.
48. I enjoy red wine in the winter and dry rose in the summer. I’m not very knowledgeable about wine. If it tastes good, I figure it is good. Unfortunately, my price range doesn’t allow for really good wine.
49. I was born and raised in south Louisiana, which is a totally different state than north Louisiana. My childhood home survived Katrina, but just barely.
50. I cook a mean pot of gumbo.

There, I did it. I promise there will be no 75 or 100 things post regardless what tradition exists. And for the record, my favoirte color is blue, yellow, green. Or maybe red.

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