My husband and I have just adopted a 5 year old from Taiwan. We’ve been home almost 3 months. And talk about rollercoaster! There were days at the beginning when I wondered what in the world had we done?! At times, I couldn’t imagine ever even liking this wild child. There are times when I’m sure she doesn’t like us much either! Then there are those days when she is a wonder and a joy and happy to be alive. And that makes every sacrifice worthwhile.

My comment about love is that sometimes it starts as a decision. When I saw her picture a year and a half ago, I know that I decided to love her. Not the romantic, gushy kind of love, but the love that protects, provides and nurtures. That is a committment and a promise I made to her, and to myself when we signed the papers to get her.

There are times when I look into her face which is so very different from mine and wonder how she can love me. There are times when I know she is doing the same thing. I know that we are both striving to do our best, every day, to become a family. She needs to be loved and we need to love.

She loves it when she makes me laugh. She knows instantly if I’m unhappy, or heaven forbid, my husband and I should disagree about anything! (Guess whose side she takes?) And I know when she’s unhappy or just needs to snuggle for a while.

Each of those small acts of kindness, which is what love really is, builds a bridge and that bridge turns into a bond of love, friendship and family. It takes time.

And by the way, the same is true with step-children, of which I have two, ages 17 and 26. I’ve been in their lives now for 6 years. It took at least 6 months to just start building trust. Love? Yes, but that took a lot longer, on everyone’s part. But it is there. We are all stronger and better for the struggle.

So to the poster – hang in there, talk to friends (you’d be surprised how many mothers feel the same things at one time or another), stay active, and do whatever you need to stay connected to your husband and those who love you. And be patient with yourself!

Hugs
DivaStepMom

For years we have been working on adoption (as Canadians in China, Canadian laws prevent us from adopting abroad, so we have spent these years ‘pestering/petitioning’ our government with other like-minded families) and recently had a miscarriage, which left us nothing less of devastated. Nothing has ever consumed our lives like the desire for a child. When all of our friends are announcing their pregnancies and births, I say to my husband, ” I feel like we have been mentally pregnant for years, but without the excitement of knowing the baby will be here soon.” It is a terribly stressful and emotional time, as individuals and as a couple.

It’s understandable that all this build-up and anticipation may one day be faced with the feeling, ‘What did we get ourselves into?’ Many of my pregnant friends spoke about this feeling (only when it came up in discussion, as they wouldn’t easily admit it without a context) when baby finally came home. Parenting, no matter how rewarding, sounds like it would come with a lot of mixed emotions. When we had our miscarriage, a friend who has also suffered loss said something to me I will never forget, “Be patient with yourself.” I repeated this little piece of advice in my head regularly and it pops up anytime that I find myself terribly angry and depressed about the situation. Those four little words come in handy;)

Just like we all create our families in different ways, we will all create connections with members of our families on a very personal timeline.
Be patient with yourself, with the new addition to your family, with your feelings.

Like the other posters experience, it took me 6 months before I really felt like a mom and then it took at least another 6 months more before I felt like I had my act together. I swear I didn’t leave the house with the twins by myself until they were over a year. But it has been 3 1/2 years and I feel completely and totally that I am their mom and that I am a very good mom. In fact, we hope to select another surrogate and do this all again in 2011. This time we will try really hard to only have one. {smile}.

I adopted an 8 month old, and while I always loved her, I at first felt a bit like I was babysitting her rather than mothering her. I went through all the actions of mothering without feeling a strong connection for a while. I can’t even say for sure how long it was until she became and felt totally mine. I just know now that she is the daughter I always longed for and I could not love her more no matter how she arrived.

1. Do not feel ashamed. Never feel that your feelings are wrong or that you should be guilty for not feeling how you ought. There is no “ought” with feelings. Feelings are a message from within you. Actions are what matter. Our responsible response to our feelings are what matter. There is nothing “wrong” with you.

2. Attachment is a process. It involves the child having a need and you meeting that need, over and over, and by that process, an adopted child and mother grow in love for one another. It sounds crazy, but the very act of caring for and loving this child eventually PRODUCES the deep feeling of love and attachment that you are seeking and hungering for.

I have a couple of internet friends who have experienced exactly what you are experiencing. You are not alone. Families fit together in weird ways, and every so often, we wake up and wonder what we’ve done and question our decisions.

The part of you that wants to be a mom, the secret, inner yearning parent, is still there. It’s just covered in diapers and an odd disconnection from this tiny little life. Every act of love towards your baby is a step towards that bond.

I also underscore what Dawn says at the end. Positive vibes aside, if you feel that you or your child are in any danger WHATSOEVER, you need to seek out assistance immediately. From the sound of things, that isn’t a risk. You want this child and worked so hard to bring her home… this is just an oddness of your attachment, and committed attention will heal it.

I am more in love with my children as they grow. Sure I actually did feel bonded with them at birth, but I was also scared, overwhelmed, etc with both the biological and adopted children. It was when the said ‘Mommy’, gave me a hug, high-fived, or made me laugh that the love is what overwhelms.

Hang in there and try to rest instead of thinking so much.

Sleep when the baby sleeps and try to take joy in the small moments.

Carrie Kitze
Publisher, EMK Press
adoptive mom

I concur with Cathy – so well said. I am an adoptive mom, who also sort of tugged hubby along. I thought for sure I would be overwhelmed with love and bond from day one, and what I felt most was shame. That I wasn’t good enough to be a mom, that I had no idea what I was doing and was depressed to not have a mom of my own to ask for help.

She also had colic so after hours of screaming and sleep deprivation on my part, lack of hygiene, food etc. I kept thinking about this huge mistake I had made. And then, without even realizing it, I recognized that this was a gift. A gift from God, that I asked for,and I wouldn’t stress myself out with setting the bar of how society felt I should feel, but instead let my emotions take me from care taker, to loving mom. It was a progression, and I think that there were feelings I felt secretly were because she was adopted, when in fact it was normal feelings of someone overwhelmed as a new mom.

Of course, things were different with my second because I carried her and she is made from love from my husband and I and I see ourselves in her eyes and I had been through the marathon of the new mom thing a few years before.

I will say, that I look back now and I cannot believe I ever had those thoughts. I consider her so definitively mine and feel so much love for her, I realize that it was part of the adoption roller coaster of emotions and I am a better mom because of it.

Hang in there doll, many of us have been there, it is ok to express your feelings and talk to those who won’t judge you – which sadly is often strangers and professionals. Sometimes those too close to us or who have never been through the adoption, IVF or surrogacy process can simply never imagine or relate to what we have been through emotionally over the years leading up to that moment.

Hugs, Natalie