As our children age, they outgrow their Life Books or at least the sitting on our lap while we read it to them part.  They don’t openly announce their adoption status to the world.  They become busy with growing and mastering and all the other parts of being a kid, and then a tween, and then a teen.  It’s easy to believe that our job is done.  We’ve told them, they’ve accepted it, now let’s move on.

We know, however, from talking with teens and adult adoptees, that kids don’t stop thinking about being adopted when they outgrow their footy pajamas.  In particular, they wonder about their birth parents: who they are, what they liked to do, what they looked like, why they didn’t parent them.  Some kids think about this a lot, some think about it a little, but from what I can tell from talking to teens and adults, most think about it some.

There are some kids who will readily talk and ask these questions to their parents and birth parents, if they are in an open adoption.  But lots of kids, my own included, might think and wonder, but never bring the subject up.  And even the most curious and talkative child will steer clear of this conversation if they sense that it makes their parents uncomfortable.  It is way too easy for parents to assume that if it isn’t spoken, it isn’t thought. If the kids don’t ask, then we don’t need to tell.  This is mighty convenient since we just as soon not talk about it anyway.  If we’re not careful, this can become a self perpetuating cycle.  Our discomfort, keeps them silent, and their silence justifies our own.

So what’s a parent to do?  First of all, we need to accept that we are 100% our kid’s parent.  We will be there for them, and they for us, for the rest of our life.  Their curiosity and desire to know more about their birth parents has nothing to do with us and doesn’t threaten our relationship.  Part of “being there for them” is being their go-to source of information on all the Big Four Topics of Life (BTLs): sex, drugs, rock and roll, and adoption.  (OK, it’s really the Big Three since it’s only in your dreams that they are going to view you as an expert on music.  By the age of thirteen, fourteen at the latest, they are going to think that your musical taste and computer literacy are both hopelessly out of date, but you still want them to come to you with their questions about the other three.)

Kids have a tendency to not voice their questions about the BTLs leaving the ball in the parental court to still provide information even when not asked.  If you’re lucky, your little darling will respond like a sponge when you open the conversation about adoption.  I’ve never had that experience, but I have dreamed about what it might be like.  My experience involves a lot of me throwing out a conversation starter and watching it drop like a dead weight.  Still, I look for opportunities to start the conversation because I want my kids to know that I am available when and if they want to talk.  I have to consciously look for times that I can bring up birth parents, genetic traits, and adoption. I toss the opening out there, and then respect their decision to either run with it or let it drop.

Oh, and as long as we’re talking about BTLs, we need to talk about the fourth BTL–race.  Especially if we are raising a child of a different race, we have to talk about race and prejudice and navigating our white society as a minority.  We have to be open to listening to their experiences without trying to minimize or explain.

The other thing I can do as a parent is to realize that I can’t be their only go-to resource.  They need to have the opportunity to talk with other adopted people—kids their own age and adults if possible.  Sometimes it’s simply easier to open up in a group of people who are living your experience.  As much as I want to be “enough” for my child, I’m probably not.

The truth is that sometimes these conversations make me uncomfortable.  So does talking about sex and drinking and drugs, but I still do it because that’s part of my job as a mom.  Unlike footy pajamas, kids don’t outgrow the need to talk, or know that they can talk, about the BTLs.

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I think it’s important to view what is currently happening to the children of Haiti against the backdrop of their lives pre-quake.  Of course, the majority of Haitian kids were being raised by their families, just the same as in the rest of the world.  However, a disproportionate number of Haitian children were living outside of their families.  Pre-earthquake Haiti had 50,000 children in registered orphanages and another 50,000 in unregistered orphanages.  UNICEF estimates that prior to the earthquake, one out of every 10 Haitian child (some 400,000 kids) lived outside of their family.

Many of these children were not legally free for domestic or international adoption.  Despite the media attention, international adoptions played a very minor role in the Haitian child welfare system.  In 2009, only 330 Haitian children were adopted by American, and 301 were adopted in 2008.  Other countries also adopt from Haiti, but in total, no more than about 1,500 are adopted abroad each year.

Child trafficking for sexual and domestic slavery played a much bigger role in the lives of parentless kids in Haiti pre-earthquake.  An estimated 2,000 children per year are sold for domestic service primarily to wealthy families in Haiti and the Dominican Republic.  This number is a guesstimate and is likely higher.  Aid groups estimate about 300,000 Haitian kids under that age of 18 are currently working as domestic servants.  In addition, an untold number of Haitian children are sold into prostitution.  In fairness, many families that “sold” or sent their children to work as domestic help would disagree with characterizing this act as child trafficking or selling into domestic slavery, but the future for these children was dismal by most standards.  By all accounts, Haiti also had a long standing acceptance of placing children in institutional care as a temporary solution to poverty, divorce, or just general family dysfunction.  (See my previous post on this subject.)

I haven’t been able to find reliable estimates on how many children were orphaned in the quake through the death of their parents or how many families were left unable to care for their children because of earthquake induced poverty, loss of a family residence, or just general overwhelming stress brought on by the earthquake. Most experts believe the number will be very large, but almost impossible to calculate right now.  Dixie Bickel told of an orphanage in southern Haiti that had 150 children pre-quake and now is home to 700.  I am not hearing of a huge increase of children in the orphanages I have spoken with, but that may be because they are limited in space or are only accepting children that have relinquishment paperwork, which rules out most kids that were truly orphaned in the earthquake.  I can’t get a good answer about what is happening to these earthquake orphans.  Many have been taken in by extended family or neighbors, some are living in UNICEF and other NGO tents, orphanages have absorbed some, and sadly, experts acknowledge, many are living in the streets.

One of UNICEF’s missions in Haiti is to register the children orphaned in the earthquake. According to our guests, approximately 2,500 children have been registered so far.  Registration is painstakingly slow because before a child is classified as an earthquake orphan, UNICEF is trying to find any extended family members willing to raise the child.  Save the Children told Dixie that this process could take 4 to 5 years.   Due to the limited ability of children, especially young children, to remember details over time, there is a relatively small window to find extended family.  Young children will not remember for long the names of their parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, much less the name of their school, church, teachers, or neighbors.

Prior to the earthquake Haitian adoptions were long and complicated.  The Haitian adoption law, written in 1974, requires adoptive parents to be married for 10 years and childless, or be a single woman and childless.   Strict enforcement of this law has varied over the years.  Prior to the quake, it was possible to get a Presidential Waiver of the 10 year marriage or childless status.  This waiver process added time, sometime lots of time, to the process.  For families that met the strict parental requirements, it was not unusual for a Haitian adoption to take 2 – 2 ½ years prior to the quake.  For families that did not meet the strict requirements it took even longer.

A new adoption law was proposed three years ago that would lessen the parental marriage, age, and childless requirements.  This bill is still pending.  It may come up for a vote this Fall, but most experts I’ve spoken with think this is unlikely.  It’s also important to note that many adoption proponents are not sure that this new law will improve adoptions.  Although more potential families will be eligible, it also centralizes the adoption process.  Right now, adoption agencies work directly with the orphanage in Haiti to place children. Under the proposed law, agencies would be required to work through the Institut du Bien Etre Sociale et de Recherches (IBESR), the Haitian international adoption authority.  In theory, this centralized adoption system is an improvement and lessens the likelihood for corruption, but in practice, many fear that it would be a nightmare in Haiti.  The IBESR has responsibility for all child welfare in Haiti. Processing international adoptions is only a very small part of what they do.  In the past they have been notoriously slow and disorganized; the increased work and diminished staff caused by the earthquake is not likely to improve their speed or efficiency.

There are two general groups of children that could be eligible for international adoption.  Most people think of the children that were orphaned by the earthquake.  Clearly there will be many children who lost both parents and have no living family members able to care for them.  As much as we might want to rush in and rescue these children, we need to give the child welfare NGOs and the Haitian government more time to find family and to set up a procedure for determining orphan status.  I don’t agree with Save the Children that 4-5 years is reasonable, but clearly we need more than 6 months.

However, there is another group of children that should be considered for adoption.  Prior to the earthquake, many many children were eligible for adoption and living in orphanages.   Of course, not all children in institutionalized care both before and after the quake are available for adoption. Many orphanages take in children on a temporary basis to allow parents to find work, food, and a place to live.  Every effort should be made to help families stay together, and a temporary respite in the storm can be just what is needed.  However, some of these children had already been declared available for adoption prior to the quake.

The IBESR has announced that they are now accepting adoption paperwork from prospective adoptive parents; however, no one that I’ve spoken with has seen any movement on this paperwork.  Many governmental offices were destroyed in the quake and many civil servants lost their lives.  For adoptive parents that meet the letter of the 1974 adoption law, I anticipate that the adoption process will proceed slower than pre-earthquake, which means that it will likely take over 2 ½ years—maybe much longer.  All bets are off on what will happen to families that have existing children or have not been married 10 years.  No one knows when or if the Office of the President will start issuing waivers for these adoptive parents.  Arguably, both the IBSER and the Office of the President have bigger and more immediate issues to address.

I’m sorry I couldn’t write a more optimistic report on the status of Haitian adoptions.  I struggle with trying to decide what is best.  I believe that all children deserve a family.  I also believe that Haiti desperately needs to implement a better overall child welfare system, including greater services for family preservation.  Giving up your children should be the last resort for poor parents or dysfunctional parents.  Does international adoption draw necessary money and attention away from these efforts?  Not necessarily, but in Haiti, maybe.  But what happens to the children who need families now?

For more information on Adopting from Haiti, keep checking our Haitian Adoption Country Chart.

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Although I’m writing this about adoption, I’ve seen this situation repeat itself with donor egg and surrogacy.   One partner is ready to move up the treatment ladder sooner than the other.  Heck, let’s be honest, we all know couples who face this issue when they are thinking about becoming parents without the complications of infertility or adoption.  Maybe that is why there are so many accidental pregnancies with married couples in this day of effective birth control.  Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, it is impossible to accidentally adopt so a spouse’s reluctance must be fully considered.

Easy answers elude me when one spouse wants to adopt and the other does not.  My hubby and I had always planned on adopting, but we hadn’t necessarily planned on having four children.  After our third child was born I still felt a very strong pull to adopt.   Peter did not.  His resistance had nothing to do with adoption and everything to do with being the father of four.  He wondered whether he had the time for another child, whether his work would suffer with more kids, or whether his guilt would increase over the time he devoted to work.  Would this child have needs that demanded even more time and money?  Wasn’t he too old to have another child?  The whole idea of adopting seemed risky and he didn’t feel the need to take the risk.  I did.

I don’t have any magic answers.  What worked for us, may not work for you.  We kept the lines of communication open; talking about it more than he wanted, but less than I wanted.  I asked his permission to share my research with him.  I tried to understand his concerns more than I tried to convince him.  After about a year, Peter became more comfortable with the time and financial commitment.  He loved me enough and valued my happiness enough to take the risk.  We compromised on what special needs or disabilities we were willing to consider.  And we slowly moved forward.  For what it’s worth, our daughter has been the apple of his eye from the moment he first held her, and he says he has never regretted his decision for one minute.

The first step should be trying to understand why your partner is hesitant to adopt.  Don’t assume you know.  He or she could be thinking any of the following:

• Can I love a child that is not biologically related?
• Can we afford to adopt?
• Do I want to be a parent at all, especially if it’s not going to happen the old fashioned way?
• Am I ready to stop infertility treatments and give up all hope of having a birth child?
• Will I feel like a failure if I can’t biologically have a child?
• Am I too old to become a parent?
• Do I have the time or do I want to devote the time to being a parent?
• How will my parents or older children react?
• What type of medical or emotional problems may this child have?
• We already have birth children, why complicate things?

You’ve reached an impasse.  You want to adopt but your partner doesn’t.  What do you do?  Keep talking.  Don’t assume that if it isn’t said, it isn’t felt.  If the reluctant partner feels that this is all you talk about, agree to a set time each week to talk about this subject.  Talk about what each of your hopes and dreams are from parenting in general.  When he is speaking, really listen rather than planning your rebuttal.  Seek to understand more than convince.

As strange as this may seem, share your own fears about adopting.  You know you have them.  The relationship dynamics of some couples is to balance each other out.  Yin and yang are great for philosophical discussions, but lousy for decision making if one partner is stuck at yin while the other is clinging to yang for dear life.

Let him know that you want to start getting educated on adoption and ask his permission to share the information with him as you go along.  Don’t expect him to be as enthusiastic as you.

Join an online adoption support group for people considering adoption.  Encourage your partner to participate as well.  Talking with others who have similar concerns can be helpful.  Introduce a thread on reluctant spouses.  You’ll be surprised at how many people have had this experience.

Take a break from infertility treatments for a set period of time, with the agreement that you can resume if you still want to once the break is over.  Spend time enjoying your life as a couple.  Remember why you married each other in the first place.

Attend an “in person” support group for adoptive families or an informational meeting at an adoption agency, with the promise that this does not mean a commitment to adopt.  Spending time with families formed by adoption is amazingly helpful to normalize the process and to provide an opportunity to ask questions.  If your spouse feels it is too soon to do this, agree to revisit this option at a set time in the future.

If you are feeling particularly stuck, visit a therapist to help with communication, and if applicable, choose one that understands infertility issues.  It’s not always easy to find a counselor with this expertise, but we’ve provided some suggestions on our How to Find a Therapist page.

As hard as it may be, give your partner time.  Each of us has a different speed and style for processing grief and making decisions.  If you are totally committed to him or her regardless of whether you ever become parents, say so.  If not, talk with a therapist before you issue an ultimatum.

Ultimately, you should not try to force (or coerce or guilt) your spouse into something as major as becoming a parent.  It likely won’t be effective since during the home study the social worker will delve into each of your reasons for wanting to adopt.  And though it can be faked during the interview with the social worker, every child deserves to be truly wanted by both parents.

Check out our video on The Reluctant Spouse-What to do When Only One Wants to Adopt

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We did a recent show on Miscarriage/Recurrent Pregnancy Loss and one of the questions we received was whether to take aspirin to prevent miscarriage.  The attitude of the questioner was that basically nothing else was working, so what do I have to lose.  Some recent research addressed this question.  One well designed study in The Netherlands followed 364 women with unexplained recurrent miscarriage.  This was a randomized, placebo-controlled trail, which is the gold standard for research.  The study lasted four years.  Some women were given low dose aspirin, some women were given low dose aspirin combined with low molecular weight heparin, and some women were given a placebo.  The doctors, patients, and nurses did not know which medications the women received.  The researchers found that neither aspirin, nor aspirin combined with low molecular weight heparin, improved live birth rate more than the placebo.

However, another study found that for certain women with recurrent miscarriages, low dose aspirin with low molecular weight heparin did improve pregnancy outcomes.  This study followed 156 women in India, 75 with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and 81 without PCOS.  All the woman in the study received intravaginal micronized progesterone twice daily.  The women with insulin resistant PCOS took metformin throughout their pregnancies.  The researchers found that the only group that benefited from the low dose aspirin and low molecular weight heparin were women with very high levels of homocysteine in their blood (classified as hyperhomocysteinemia).  Hyperhomocysteinemia was more prevalent in woman with PCOS.

One of my favorite sessions that I attended at the European Infertility Medicine Conference (ESHRE) answered the question of how long should you wait after a pregnancy loss before trying again.  To me, this is science at its best—answering a real life question faced by millions.  Couples are often counseled to wait 6 to 12 months before trying to conceive again after a miscarriage.  Scottish researchers looked back at 30, 937 women between 1981 and 2000 that conceived after a miscarriage.  They found that woman who conceived less than 6 months after a miscarriage were less likely to have another miscarriage, less likely to have an ectopic pregnancy, less likely to have a pre-term delivery, less likely to deliver by caesarean, and less likely to have a baby with low birth rate. The researchers concluded that there were no advantages to waiting to conceive after a miscarriage.

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• 3.65 times more likely to develop gestational diabetes
• 2 times more likely to develop preeclampsia
• 2.55 times more likely to deliver pre week 32
• 1.69 times more likely to deliver via cesarean section

The researcher speculated that these outcomes will be worse in countries without nationalized free health care.  It is unclear at this point whether these outcomes are the result of the PCOS or the weight.  Research is ongoing to answer these questions.  We plan on interviewing the research team for the Creating a Family show when this research in published

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Aging and Male Reproductive Health

Embryos do not show a gender differentiation until 6 weeks, but the beginnings of testicles are apparent (if you really know what you are looking for) at 8 weeks.  At 3-6 months after birth, male babies go through a mini-puberty with rises in testosterone that equals mid puberty.  The reasons for this mini-puberty are not clear, but they think it may have something to do with priming the brain for maleness.  Testosterone drops of dramatically until puberty.  Scientists do not know what sets of the pubertal clock (yes, that is an actual term), but there is strong evidence that the age of puberty is dropping, most likely caused by environmental factors.  Unfortunately, they did not discuss what environmental factors were most suspect.

We all know that it possible for a man to father children into old age (the oldest man to do so was 94), but it is surprisingly hard to study from an epidemiological standpoint if male fertility declines with age, since the male factor is masked by the decline in female fertility with age.  To study the effect of age on male fertility a population is needed where:

• Contraceptives are not routinely used
• High quality records are kept
• Greater acceptance of older men married to younger women

The Mormons have historically provided such a population, and studies of this population have found that male fertility declines only slightly with age, and doesn’t begin men are older than 70.

The presentation, however, supported the findings that there are genetic hazards with older fathers.  Miscarriages are more common with older fathers.  Psychiatric problems are higher in the offspring of older father, such as bipolar, schizophrenia, and autism.  The presenters went into little new details on the increased prevalence of these mental illnesses since this was not the subject off their research and they were simply summarizing the existing research on this topic.

Safety in Assisted Reproductive Technology

The session on Safety in Infertility Treatment was disappointing since most of the presentation focused on safety risk for women with Turner syndrome. Bottom line: assisted reproductive technology should only be used with extreme caution for women with Turner syndrome.  I was more interested in the very short part of the presentation on the health risks for children conceived through ICSI.  They basically summarized the recent research which has found that 118 children born after ICSI and studies at age 14 had a increased fat accumulation and different fat distribution than a control group of children conceived naturally.  In all other respects, the ICSI group was comparable to the control group.

Other health/safety news from the conference is that overweight women undertaking fertility treatment are twice as likely to miscarry as women with normal Body/Mass Indexes.

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Now, there are two versions of what happened next.  Let’s just go with the preferred version. I was climbing the Spanish Steps when I heard a voice of a lover from long ago call my name.  When turning, I stepped off the step wrong, twisting my ankle and ending up on crutches.  The preferred version sounds so much better than missing a step coming out of a gelato shop, doesn’t it?  I have always been a bit disdainful of the bright red or yellow line painted on steps to delineated where the step begins, but no more.  I now think every step needs at least one, preferably two  bright lines. Te up side is that my toe nails are newly polished, which is very nice since my foot is getting so much attention.

In any event, I’m here and planning getting the most out of this conference.  It is absolutely huge.  I’ll be blogging daily on what I’m learning,  so check back often.

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Many in our multigenerational class couldn’t identify a passion or couldn’t discern which amongst their many passions they should follow.  I think part of the problem is with the word “passion”.  It implies something huge, burning, overwhelming.  Something so big that there can be only one, and if there is only room for one, you better be darn sure before you pursue it.  Talk about paralyzing pressure.  I don’t buy it.  I think there is room for more than one passion in our life, and I think they come in different sizes.  I know they change with the seasons of your life.  From my perspective the key is to bring things into our lives that energize us and give us pleasure.

Amy, our fearless Visioning Class leader, suggested the following questions to help you find your passion.

• What would you do if you knew you could not fail?
• What do you love about yourself?
• What would you do if had the support of those you love and money was not a concern?
• What do you dream about doing that you’ve never told anyone?
• How could you make the world a better place for yourself and others?
• When you were young, what did you know you would do when you grew up?
• What would you regret not having done if your life was ending?
• What topics do you like to discuss, read, explore?
• What would you do for free?
• What puts a smile on your face?
• What do you find easy?

Even after you get an inkling of what you are passionate about, most of us still have a long way to go.  What stands in your way from embracing your passion?  Curt Rosengren does a good job of summarizing the myths that stand in our way.

Myth #1 – Pursuing your passion is selfish and self – indulgent.  Finding something you love that energizes you is one of the best things you can do for yourself and for those around you. (I think this is a BIG one for woman!)

Myth #2 – You have to be realistic.  Do not let realism suffocate your passion. You can evaluate the challenges and look at ways to overcome the challenges. If you see them as obstacles, you may lose sight of your dream.

Myth #3 – Do what you love and the money will follow.  That is actually the abbreviated version.  The real quote is “Do what you love, work really, really hard, be patient, be persistent, be open, work really, really hard some more, and then the money will follow.”
Not quite as catchy, but much more accurate.

Myth #4- I am limited by the rules.  Whose rules?  Don’t allow someone else’s rules or expectations keep you from living out your passion.

So, give yourself permission to look for your passion.  Drill it into your head that you are not being selfish.  Of course, you have to be realistic about balancing your time between your obligations and your desires, but many of us err on the side of “the shoulds”.  Schedule time for what makes you happy and what gives you energy.  I really mean it when I say schedule.  Put it on the calendar.  And by the way, if this means leaving the kids with your husband for an evening or day, do NOT say that he is not babysitting– he’s parenting.  It’s good for him and good for the kids.  My kid’s favorite saying is so very true—If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.

P.S. Next week, I’ll be blogging from the European Society of Human Reproduction and Embryology Conference in Rome.  I’m going to try to post several blogs during the conference so sign up for our RSS feed in the left column of this page or better yet, sign up for our weekly updates at the top of the left column.

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I don’t know why the myth of the troubled adoptee is so prevalent, but it is.  Another Twainism sums it up well: “A mistruth can travel halfway around the world while the truth is still putting on its shoes.”  At times I want to scream, but instead, I’ll share the facts, and hope they help the truth tie up its laces and get the heck to the starting block.

Adopted kids and adults have been studied out the wazoo.  The findings are consistent-on all measures of mental health, adopted kids are doing fine.  Let’s look more closely at the largest study of US adoptive families conducted by the Search Institute, a nonprofit providing research on child development.  (Growing up adopted: A portrait of adolescents and their families; Benson, Sharma, Roehlkepartain (1994))   This is the type of research that sets my heart aflutter—large and randomized.  Oh my, I’m almost giddy!  Large randomized studies produce the most meaningful results, but are the most expensive to conduct; and therefore, not as common.  This study was supported by a $1 million dollar grant from the National Institute of Mental Health.

Seven hundred fifteen families participated in this study, including 881 adopted adolescents, 1,262 parents, and 78 non-adopted siblings.   The sample of families was randomly selected from the records of 42 adoption agencies –both public and private–in the four states of Colorado, Illinois, Minnesota, and Wisconsin.  The children were adopted before they were 15 months and were between the ages of 12 and 18 at the time of the study.  The study included transracial and same race adoptions, and international and domestic adoptions.

The Search Institute study found that adopted kids and non adopted kids were about the same in all areas of mental health, including self-esteem, identity formation, attachment to parents, academic achievement, social competency, at-risk behaviors, anxiety level, and externalizing and internalizing behaviors.  In fact, on several measures of psychological health, adopted adolescents scored higher than a comparison group of non adopted adolescents. The researchers concluded that “when the focus is on agency-assisted infant adoptions, the journey through adolescence appears to be, on average, less stormy.”

Although the kids are doing fine, how are the parents faring.  Many couples enter adoption carrying the burden of infertility.  I often hear people worry about their unresolved feelings about infertility, feelings of failure, discomfort in talking about adoption with their children, discomfort with birth families presence in their lives, feeling stigmatized as an inferior type of family, to name a few.  Fortunately, these “handicaps” presented few long term problems for the adoptive parents in this study, at least by the time their children were teens.  The parents overwhelmingly felt attached and very well satisfied with their parenting experience.

It’s true that the kids and families in this study had a lot going for them.  The kids were adopted young into two-parent families that remained intact. (Only 11 % of the families divorced, compared to 28 % in a comparison group of families.)  Adoptive families in this study “typically evidence a high level of strength in terms of warmth, communication, discipline, and cohesion.”  Although indeed these kids and families are blessed abundantly, it still seems clear that adoption is not, in and of itself, a liability to kids or parents.

This study conclusion runs counter to conventional portrayals of the troubled adoptee.  Adoption professionals are partly to blame.  We don’t want to gloss over the potential for problems because we want families to be prepared.  In our haste to acknowledge the potential for what can go wrong, we forget to acknowledge the potential for what can go right.  Yes, things can go wrong; kids and families can struggle, adolescence can lose their way.  When this happens in adoptive families, we blame adoption.  When it happens in non adoptive families, we blame parents or peers or just plain bad luck.

I have my doubts whether this blog or the growing evidence of research will change the misperception that adopted kids have lots of problems.  At times I feel like I’m shouting in the wind.  But, to round out my Twainathon with a paraphrase, at least you’ve got the fact, now you can distort them as you please.

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Within days we were both developing “key competencies” (as instructed by the BB), but by the second week I was becoming the star.  Pretty soon, I ditched the BB completely and was riffing on baby care.  Who needed a baby bath, when you could cuddle your baby in the shower and both enjoy the hot water and body contact?  Peter deferred to my new founded confidence, and thus an expert was born.

My expertise and confidence were both equally shallow, which is a dangerous combination.  Expertise can become a self fulfilling prophecy.  I led; Peter followed.  My confidence wasn’t deep enough to let him venture too far outside my lines, but he didn’t seem to chafe at the restrictions…until The Lullaby Incident.

I love to sing, but lack anything resembling talent.  I figured my kids were likely to be my only appreciative audience, and one of my fantasies pre-mommyhood was singing my children to sleep.  Lullabies, I soon found out, are wonderfully forgiving.  They usually have a limited range and work well in most keys; better yet, they even allow for key changes mid-song in case the original key outstretched my range.  In other words, they were perfect for my “talents”.  (You musically gifted folks are cringing, I know, so don’t try to deny it.)  I listened to recordings and wrote down the lyrics to as many lullabies as I could find.  Although I had a varied repertoire, they were all slow paced and song softly to further their soporific effect.

So imagine my surprise when one night I heard the rousing strains of Take Me Out to the Ballgame marching out of the baby monitor as Peter was putting our daughter to bed.  “Peter,” I helpfully whispered at the door, “the idea of a lullaby is to put the kid to sleep, not make her want to flag down the beer guy for another round.”  In fairness to Peter, he did try to slow the pace, but Take Me Out To the Ballgame refuses to be sung as a funeral dirge, so pretty soon he was back up to full volume and beat.

I offered to teach him a few lullabies, but he decided to take the daddy reins back.  He was going to begin, by golly, with singing whatever songs he wanted, including Take Me Out to the Ballgame. He did add a few more traditional children’s songs to his play list, but they were all of the upbeat, toe-tapping, and often gross variety.

Oh Dunderbeck, Dunderbeck, how could you be so mean?
To ever have invented the sausage meat machine.
Now all the neighbor’s cats and dogs will nevermore be seen, they’ve all been ground to sausages in Dunderbeck’s machine.

Turns out, song selection has little to do with how quickly a child falls asleep, and they all grew up to love sausage.  Who knew?  And thus, a new expert was born.

Over the years, we’ve been able to balance each other pretty well.  I was a good ballast to his tendency to worry about their physical safety when they were romping, rolling and crashing their way through childhood.  “Honey, if the worst that can happen is that they break a bone, let them go,” I’d counsel.  The tables are turned now that some are driving.  The worst that can happen in a car is far worse than a broken bone, and I cling to his calm (and a whole lot of prayer) to get me through.  But this balancing act only works because he is an equal.  Sometimes, we moms don’t make room for more than one “expert”.  (By the way, even thinking about the word expert in conjunction with parenting makes me giggle. As if anyone could ever be an expert at this task.)

Good parents come in all different styles.  My way, is…well, just my way.  If you have a parenting partner, you need to come to an agreement on the big stuff, but leave a lot of room in between for individual parenting expression.  Kids not only tolerate these differences, I think they thrive.  So do parents.

P. S. If you have kids, please share ways in which your parenting style differs from your partner. Or, in what ways did your parents differ.  Did it screw you up?

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