Me: OK, today’s the day for Christmas pictures. Go make yourselves beautiful.

Daughter #2: How come you and Dad are never in these pictures?

Me: Someone has to actually take the picture and that someone is me.

Son #1: They invented this magical device, oh say 50 years ago, that let’s you delay the actual shutter click.

Me: You were a lot cuter before you could talk.

Hubby (sensing mutiny): Good idea, we’ll do a family shot this year.

Me: (sending DH the evil eye): Just remember, this isn’t my idea.

Ten minutes later we’re assembled in our front yard with camera on tripod, hair coiffed, and smiles in place.  Son #1 volunteers to set up the shot using that new fangled delay gizmo and run back to get in the picture.

Take 1

Son #1 reviewing the finished shot: Not bad, but Mom and W (brother) need to open their eyes.

Take 3

Daughter #1 reviewing: Mom, next time, just look …normal.

Take 6  for-blog

Daughter #1 and Son #1: Mom and W, just try to look close to normal.

Son #2 (W): I am looking normal.

Daughter #1: By normal, we mean open eyes and mouth resembling a smile rather than a grimace.

Son #2: I’m feeling the pretty coming on.  Let’s do it.

Take 10

DH: The game is starting in 20 minutes, so maybe we should just settle for one we already have.

Me: (Resending the evil eye) Maybe we shouldn’t.

Take 12

Daughter #2: Mom, when you feel your face going all weird and wonky,  just…well, just stop.

Me: On what planet do you think that advice would be helpful???

Her: Well, that’s what I do and it seems to be working pretty good for me.

Take 14

Me and Son #2: (fist bumping) We can do this!!! Next one’s it!

Take 16

Daughter #2: Can I go find one of the cats to be in the picture?

Everyone else: No!

Take 17

Daughter #1: You know, it’s uncanny, but Dad, H (Brother #1) and L (sister) look great in every picture.

P, H, and L (Fist bumping and doing an obnoxious victory dance)

Take 18

DH: Did I mention that it was the Cowboys and that they’re kicking off right about now?

Me: Did I mention that it wasn’t my idea to take a family picture?

DH: Did I mention that I didn’t think it was going to take an hour?

Me: Did I ment…

Kids: OK, you two stop bickering!

Son #2: I’m feeling good about this one. Let’s do it.

Take 20

Son #1: OK, great one of Mom and good of everyone else except W, who looks constipated.

Daughter #2: That’s how he normally looks.

Me: Oh well, I guess this is as good as we’ll get.

Son #2: HEY, I thought we were in this together.

Take 22

Daughter #2: I see a cat. Can’t I go get him?for blog 2

Everyone else: NO!

Take 23

Son #1: You know Mom, you really aren’t a bad looking lady—for your age. I just don’t understand why you can’t look that way for the camera.

Everyone else: *Audible gasp*

Son #1: What I meant was…

DH: Son, trust me, the best you can do at this point is shut up.

Take 27

DH: Christmas card pictures are so 2008.  It almost seems irresponsible given the current economic climate.  Let’s send a message of frugality and skip the picture this year.

Take 29

Son #1: Darn (or something close), it’s good of everyone, except Sister #1 has her hand in front of her face.

Me: Works for me.  Let’s call it a wrap.

Daughter #1: MOM!

Take 30

Daughter #1 and Son #1: Hey, everyone has their eyes open and something close to a smile. Unfortunately, the dog’s butt is facing the camera and Dad looks like he’s strangling her.

In Unison: Who cares?!?!  We’re done.

Lessons Learned:

  1. Family pictures do NOT equal family harmony.
  2. Only the photographically challenged get a vote on final selection.
  3. It is NOT abnormally vain, as some have insinuated, to want to look something other than demented in a picture that is going to be shared with friends and family that haven’t seen me in years.
  4. It is NOT helpful to tell someone to “just look normal”.
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