I would encourage you to make sure you’re not suffering from post-adoption blues if your discouragement continues. There is a wonderful book by this title by Karen Foli. You can check out at amazon.

I’m an adoptive grandmother and an adoptee myself, yet when our adult kids adopted and our daughter was depressed, I didn’t recognize the post-adoption blues.

Take good care of yourself!!

My husband and I have just adopted a 5 year old from Taiwan. We’ve been home almost 3 months. And talk about rollercoaster! There were days at the beginning when I wondered what in the world had we done?! At times, I couldn’t imagine ever even liking this wild child. There are times when I’m sure she doesn’t like us much either! Then there are those days when she is a wonder and a joy and happy to be alive. And that makes every sacrifice worthwhile.

My comment about love is that sometimes it starts as a decision. When I saw her picture a year and a half ago, I know that I decided to love her. Not the romantic, gushy kind of love, but the love that protects, provides and nurtures. That is a committment and a promise I made to her, and to myself when we signed the papers to get her.

There are times when I look into her face which is so very different from mine and wonder how she can love me. There are times when I know she is doing the same thing. I know that we are both striving to do our best, every day, to become a family. She needs to be loved and we need to love.

She loves it when she makes me laugh. She knows instantly if I’m unhappy, or heaven forbid, my husband and I should disagree about anything! (Guess whose side she takes?) And I know when she’s unhappy or just needs to snuggle for a while.

Each of those small acts of kindness, which is what love really is, builds a bridge and that bridge turns into a bond of love, friendship and family. It takes time.

And by the way, the same is true with step-children, of which I have two, ages 17 and 26. I’ve been in their lives now for 6 years. It took at least 6 months to just start building trust. Love? Yes, but that took a lot longer, on everyone’s part. But it is there. We are all stronger and better for the struggle.

So to the poster – hang in there, talk to friends (you’d be surprised how many mothers feel the same things at one time or another), stay active, and do whatever you need to stay connected to your husband and those who love you. And be patient with yourself!

Hugs
DivaStepMom

For years we have been working on adoption (as Canadians in China, Canadian laws prevent us from adopting abroad, so we have spent these years ‘pestering/petitioning’ our government with other like-minded families) and recently had a miscarriage, which left us nothing less of devastated. Nothing has ever consumed our lives like the desire for a child. When all of our friends are announcing their pregnancies and births, I say to my husband, ” I feel like we have been mentally pregnant for years, but without the excitement of knowing the baby will be here soon.” It is a terribly stressful and emotional time, as individuals and as a couple.

It’s understandable that all this build-up and anticipation may one day be faced with the feeling, ‘What did we get ourselves into?’ Many of my pregnant friends spoke about this feeling (only when it came up in discussion, as they wouldn’t easily admit it without a context) when baby finally came home. Parenting, no matter how rewarding, sounds like it would come with a lot of mixed emotions. When we had our miscarriage, a friend who has also suffered loss said something to me I will never forget, “Be patient with yourself.” I repeated this little piece of advice in my head regularly and it pops up anytime that I find myself terribly angry and depressed about the situation. Those four little words come in handy;)

Just like we all create our families in different ways, we will all create connections with members of our families on a very personal timeline.
Be patient with yourself, with the new addition to your family, with your feelings.

Like the other posters experience, it took me 6 months before I really felt like a mom and then it took at least another 6 months more before I felt like I had my act together. I swear I didn’t leave the house with the twins by myself until they were over a year. But it has been 3 1/2 years and I feel completely and totally that I am their mom and that I am a very good mom. In fact, we hope to select another surrogate and do this all again in 2011. This time we will try really hard to only have one. {smile}.