Comments on: Being on the Receiving End of Forgiveness

By: Dawn

Dawn — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 01:59:57 +0000

I received the following comment from Esther, the youngest of the Miller siblings in the Switched at Birth episode. With her permission, I am posting it here.

“It is hard for me to listen to the “Switched at Birth” This American Life episode because I feel it was so unfair to the Miller side of the family, compared to what was told about the McDonald side of the family. Once one lets something like this episode out on the air it seems to give others permission to criticize ones’ family openly, which I find mean-spirited, especially since they don’t know the whole story and since it was purposely skewed by the This American Life interviewers, writers, and/or producers. I do think that the girls (Marti and Sue) and all the siblings are much more forgiving of my mother.

Esther”

By: S. C. Miller

S. C. Miller — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 23:33:09 +0000

I wholeheartedly agree with you that parents should apologize and that is not wimpy. I don’t really like the idea that I may screw up enough to need forgiveness, but I know that it is true. Keep on telling it like it is girlfriend!

By: Dawn

Dawn — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 18:09:47 +0000

But I should add that I think Ladybug’s Mommy has a point. I hear fairly frequently parents apologizing for making difficult parenting decisions. “I’m sorry I’m making you go to bed” or “I’m sorry you have to give Timothy back that toy.” Maybe we do go overboard on the “I’m sorry’s” I don’t think we should apologize for being parents. Those decisions come with the job description.

By: Dawn

Dawn — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 17:36:53 +0000

I totally agree with The Gang’s Mom and LBC. Apologizing doesn’t necessarily mean we are wrong. I told my son I was sorry that I didn’t realize how truly frightened he was. Now, I likely would have sent him to camp anyway, but I could have addressed his fears better if I had known. I have to wonder if I was busy or just inattentive during that particular week. Also, sometimes I am wrong. I wish I weren’t, but alas, I am. When that happens I don’t think I’m showing weakness to apologize.

By: LBC

LBC — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 16:17:50 +0000

Asking for forgiveness doesn’t always mean you did something wrong. I think it’s great that your friend has the kind of relationship with her son where he’s honest enough to tell her his fears. If I were in her situation, I’d feel sorry that I didn’t notice my son’s terror. If she apologized to him for that, it’s not saying she did anything wrong. As adults, we experience situations from a different perspective than our children.

By: The Gang's Momma

The Gang's Momma — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 15:37:38 +0000

Excellent post Dawn! I, too, went into this parenting gig with the best of intentions and the highest of expectations. Of myself, of my soon-to-be perfect child, of my husband, and so on. REALLY set myself up for humbling. And quick. With each successive child, I’m learning more and more about myself that needs to grow and change and be “rooted out” of my character.

I applaud you for sharing this side of parenting. While I don’t think we should ever apologize for holding our kids to high standards of excellence, moral purity, and good character development, I DO agree that we should be quick to apologize and seek to change when WE inevitably falter in one of those areas ourselves.

I will never apologize for making my son go to bed at a decent hour, no matter how old he is. I likely won’t say I’m sorry for correcting disrespectful or rude behavior, even if/when it embarrasses them in front of their peers. I will never apologize to my daughter for requiring her to change out of an inappropriate outfit.

However, I will apologize AND DO, when I lose it and over-react to a ridiculous situation. When I am convinced of my selfishness or inappropriate example of godly character in my dealings with my kids, I WILL and DO apologize. It’s imperative – for me and for my kids. I have a mandate on me to not just tell them how to live, how to grow, but to SHOW them. And to live in front of them in humility and repentance is yet another way in which I model how to be REAL and AUTHENTIC and focused on our family identity as Christians.

My grandmother used to say that “More is caught than taught” and in this issue in my own life, I have found that to be true over and over.

By: Ladybug's Mommy

Ladybug's Mommy — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 21:57:04 +0000

I think sometimes we should be more like our parents and forget all this asking for our kids forgiveness and apologizing. Sometimes I think we are too wimpy as parents. I’m not saying you are but really, so what if your friend didn’t react the same way as her son. She is an adult who fully understood the situation and knew there was nothing to be afraid of. And with your son, of course he was afraid to go to camp. Lots of kids are. You made him go because you wanted him to experience something good. You make him get shots or eat his vegetables for the same reason. You have no reason to apologize or be forgiven for being a parent.

I have now listened to the show ‘Switched at Birth” and gone back and read both Esther’s and Marti Millers comments. I don’t think they need to forgive their mother either. She did the best she could in a bad situation, so what needs to be forgiven???

By: Maddie's Parents

Maddie's Parents — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 21:31:33 +0000

Interesting blog that explores the areas of parenting that we are less than comfortable sharing. I followed your blog on the This American Life show on Switched at Birth. I too was impressed by both daughters, but especially Marti Miller. I had not thought about the fact that I or we would need forgiveness someday for something. I don’t like thinking that, but I see your point. I’m glad you are further down the parenting path than I am. I consider you a valued resource for how to proceed. I like the part you said about modeling forgiveness. Thanks for what you do. I LOVE your podcasts and videos!!

By: Momma wanna be

Momma wanna be — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 16:58:09 +0000

I have played the same sit around the table complaining about your parents ritual you describe. I think I’d better be a little more careful from now on. I’m finally pregnant after many years and now I’m not so sure about being critical. I have a feeling I will be making my own mistakes soon enough.

By: Dawn Davenport

Dawn Davenport — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 11:10:00 +0000

What's spurred your thought along these line?