In my 30s, I believed (and would many dare say this is a “naive” belief?) that I truly wanted to be married and in a solid committed relationship before I started my family.

When this did not occur because the person I had a strong relationship w/ took his time (and mine) to decide he could not commit to marriage and children, I unsuccessfully tried insemination in my early 40s. When that didn’t work, I spent some time wondering if I could just give up on kids and focus on finding that “solid committed relationship” alone. Still I began to simultaneously think of adoption when I learned that most people adopt in their 40s, and I felt less age-pressured than in my decision on insemination.

When I realized I wanted both a child and a relationship, I decided to focus on adoption first, as I believed it was more urgent “age and time-wise” in my mid-40s.

For those of you who have chosen adoption, many will understand that this is not an instant decision with overnight results… mourning for the never-to-be biological child (not an issue for me by then), agonizing what it would mean for a child not to have a father (I was stuck here for a while), deciding which type would best suit me (a somewhat longer decision), researching a country then an agency.

And then there’s always a wait. When I picked my country (Vietnam) and my agency (which I researched thoroughly and was picked by many as well as myself for its excellent and ethical reputation), the lines and the waiting times got longer than the estimated 12-18 months. By the time I was at the top of the list, Vietnam closed just after my 49th birthday. By then, my home equity having dropped by $200,000, my only option is to stick it out (we are hearing 2011), give up or adopt from the foster care system. I did attend an orientation on this, but my initial impression was that it was not optimal for me… though I will take the classes to find out more.

To those of you in your 30s or 40s already feeling you maybe too old, though this is a personal decision, I would say you’re not old at all. I would have loved to have a child in those years (technically, I have 2 more days to go.) Many people, and most educated professional people I have met, now don’t begin their families until this time. And though there are no guarantees as to lifespan, they try to stay healthy and do their best for their kids, and the grandparents in their 70s and 80s still are very robust and active. (Compare this group of “older parents” sadly to poor young soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan in their 20s w/children they may returned damaged to or never at all.)

From my experiences, I half-hearted joke that I want to advise single women:

–frantically seek a husband in your 20s: if you need to divorce, that’s okay, but make sure you’ve gotten pregnant at least once (alternately,
save all the money you can while in college and in your 20s, coz you may need it in your 30s and 40s, see below)
–if you’re not married by the time your 30, decide to become a single mother and start insemination right away (or refuse to use birth control no matter where you are in a relationship)
–if you’re not pregnant by the time you’re 35, quickly decide on adoption
and be grateful if you make it to parenthood by age 40

Being a parent in my early 50s is not my 1st choice, but now it is my only choice. I do hope to become a parent somehow in the next few years. It may be to an older child that I thought from Vietnam. I hope the many people who have over the years said what a great mom I will be continue their support (though I have had hints that they too think 50 is the cutoff point). But that’s okay. I know better. My dad became a father for the 1st time at age 58. Though I lost him early when I was 38 and he was 97, I have never regretted his age, having always felt his unconditional love.

*ICLW*

I agree with Suzanne’s comment…to me, “too old,” is the time frame when the body is unable to reproduce any longer.

Having said that, I am a 34 year old experiencing secondary infertility. I have not reached menopause, but do not think I am “too old” for another child even though at this time my body is not reproducing any longer. So maybe I should recant my statement…

…see what I mean? Great food for thought!

*ICLW*

ICLW

~ICLW

We need to remember that women have been having babies well into their 40s all along. If you look at birth rates from previous centuries (before reliable birth control methods), many women were still giving birth in their mid-40s. I am 47 and my youngest is 4. My grandmother was 40 when she had my mother. I know someone who had her first and only child at 47 with NO reproductive assistance – it just happened. “Change of life babies” they used to be called.

When is it too late to stop reproducing? Probably when your body shuts down reproduction on its own. This is usually by your mid-40s for most women it seems, certainly by age 50.

A 67-year-old mother of a newborn? …A five-year-old with a 72-year-old mother? That seems extreme, even to me.