A while back we started a semi-regular feature (with more emphasis on the semi, than on the regular) on this blog called EGAD Infertility Day, which stands, of course, for Educate Great Aunt Debbie (as well as the rest of the world) about Infertility. It’s pronounced Eee Gad, as in the expression of horror or consternation that might be used when your expressions of horror or consternation must by G rated. Somehow, an expression of horror or consternation just feels right when talking about infertility. Educating Great Aunt Debbie and the world also feels right. Infertility is bad enough without all the misinformation that exists about this disease. These myths are not harmless. They serve to isolate and in general make life harder for the infertile. So, in honor of EGAD Infertility Day, here are my top ten myths about infertility. Please share with your favorite great aunt and add your own myths in the comment section.
Top Ten Myths about Infertility
- Just relax. OK friends, if relaxing were enough to do it, we’d all get pregnant the first month we ditched birth control, bought that really good bottle of wine, and lit the candles.
- It’s your fault because _________ (Take your pick: lived the fun life and postponed starting a family, had sex too young, work too much, enjoy sex too much (or is it too little?), are overweight, are underweight, don’t like your sister’s kids, were ambivalent about becoming a mother, etc.) Fault has no place when talking about a disease.
- It’s usually caused by a problem with the woman. I can’t tell you the number of people I talk with that go through invasive and expensive testing of the woman, only to find out from a simple and cheap sperm analysis that the problem is with the man.
- Your Ob/Gyn can handle most fertility problems. Although your initial consultation and treatment can start with your gynecologist, after 6 months (over 35) or a year (under 35) get yourself to a reproductive endocrinologist.
- Infertility treatment is always successful.
- Just keep trying, look at ______(fill in the blank with the name of any 40 something actress), she just had twins.
- All this “trying” must be fun! *wink*
- You are selfish to want to be pregnant or to create a child with your spouse.
- Adopt, then you’ll get pregnant.
- All these new fangled treatments like donor egg and surrogacy are against nature. If God wanted you to be a parent, you would get pregnant.
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What a great reminder of the crazy things people say. I think alot of times they do not say these with bad intentions, they just don’t know what to say. Ok I know a few people may have ill intentions but I bet the majority don’t. Great blog by the way. Happy iclw.
I absolutely agree that most times people do not mean to hurt, they are simply ignorant. Hence, EGAD Infertility Day. We will wipe out ignorance one ignoramus (er um, I mean one ill informed person) at a time.
A friend conceived after taking clomid. Her inlaws see the son as a result of fertility treatment and therefore as not part of the family. They hope that her next pregnancy will be a “real son” conceived “naturally.”
Sara, oh my! I feel for your friend and her son.
OMG Sara – that is horrible! Your poor friend!
Thank you for posting this! It doesn’t seem like I will ever be able to really educate all of my friends and family, just when I feel like we are on the same page, they go and say something that makes me want to crawl out of my skin!
#9 gets me every single time, Dawn! I still hear from the same people, over and over, are you pregnant yet? Um, HELLO, DO NOT WANT TO BE!!!!! Have a beautiful daughter and another 3yo on the way….NO MORE!!!! I try to gently tell people that not everyone who adopts gets pg and that lots of times it is a miracle when that happens and that is why they hear about it, not because adoption is a fertility treatment.
Chris, I know what you mean. The reason is is noteworthy is that it happens so seldom. Also, the assumption is that after you adopt you still crave or strongly desire to get pregnant. While this is true for some, it is not true for all.
My least favorite, is an adaptation on #8. When someone found out that E had the fertility problem. She said, “If you wanted a child that badly, you should have married someone else.” Umm… yeah thanks for that tip. ARGH!
Liddy from
No. 144: the unfair struggle (male-factor, speedskating, life)
Dawn, I follow you on twitter and just had to check this posting out. Here’s a myth that I am sure some have heard before.
“Here is another myth that really needs to be ‘busted’. “Infertility is only a worry for older women.” Unfortunately this just is not true, fertility begins to decline in the late 20’s and significantly declines after age 35. In my book, as I get older, 35 still seems pretty young to me. Although age can be a factor in infertility, I have known 18 year olds that needed treatment just as much at 38 year olds did. Infertility can happen at any age.” (read the full article at http://www.ttcdreams.com/myths.html)
Thanks for all you do, keep up the good work.
i get “adopt and you’ll get pg” from my family – because it happened to my own mother (got rest her soul). she and my dad were married for 4 years, it was the ’50s, and no babies. so they adopted my brother when he was two. six months later…pg with my sister! ARG!! of course, it was another 14 years of unprotected sex before i came along…because the woman clearly had reproductive issues that adoption didn’t solve!!
i’m glad to see that you have demb on this site! infor is pretty thin on this family building option!
xoxoxo
sparklythings
oops – my link for my blog was wrong in my comment – i’m a dork.
Sparkly, we have been told that we have the most resources “out there” on donor embryo. We have done two radio shows on this option as well. You can find them and all our other resources at http://www.creatingafamily.org/component/search/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=430:embryo-donationadoption&catid=37:infertility-resources
Debbi, you are so right. The assumption is that all infertility comes from people choosing to wait too long to start trying to conceive. That is simply not true.
Liddy, I wonder if they would have said that to E about you if the problem had been reversed? “Hey, buddy, you could always dump her and find a more fertile woman if you really want kids.” Sensitivity seems to be in short supply with some folks!
great list! thanks for sharing. i’ve experienced them all! my most hurtful, though, has been after having our miscarriage. almost every person says, “well, it was probably for the best,” after they found out our little girl would have had down syndrome. sorry, but NO! it’s not for the best! the best would have been to have her with us, living, blessing everyone around her…whether that was with a disability or not. so frustrating!