Often the discussion in the comment section of my blogs are more informative (and interesting) than the blog itself. On a recent blog
comment, someone referred to herself as an expectant mom while she is waiting to adopt. Monika, a birth mom who blogs over at Monika’s Musings, responded: “[A]s a birth mom, I don’t like “expecting” from an adoptive mom’s perspective (hoping would be better in my opinion).” Well, we were off to the races then, with lots of thought provoking opinions from all sides.
I had not given much thought to the use of the term “expectant” or “paper pregnant” until this discussion, but afterwards it was all I thought about. Apparently I wasn’t alone. When I contacted Monika to ask if she wanted to participate in a blog discussion about this topic, she said she hadn’t been able to get it off her mind either. We agreed to enter into a dialog here, with neither of us trying to prove the other wrong or change the others mind, but with the spirit of better understanding. For simplicity sake, with her permission I’m posting her thoughts which she posted on her excellent blog post (Expecting) first, and then my thoughts will follow. We’ll both participate in further discussion in the comments.
First from Monika:
To me, a hopeful adoptive parent telling other people they’re “expecting” when they’re hoping to adopt just rubs me the wrong way. Even in reference to international adoption where the child has already been born and is presumably waiting in an orphanage, the term seems wrong. To me, it focuses the attention on the hopeful adoptive parents, which is exactly where it should not be. I’ve discussed at great lengths before my conviction that the focus of adoption needs to be centered on the child involved and not the parents. This includes both the adoptive and the birth parents (if they’ve already relinquished), as well as the expectant parent considering adoption and hopeful adoptive parents.
I can understand that to stay “hopeful” during a long wait for matching or for adoption approval when adopting internationally can seem unfathomable. It would seem much more positive and proactive to say that you’re “expecting.” When a woman gets pregnant and decides to carry the pregnancy to term, she’s expecting that child to arrive around the due date and in a healthy condition. There’s expectation there because millions of women throughout history have had pregnancies happen similarly. Even if there’s not necessarily an expectation of perfect health or a full-term pregnancy, she’s still expecting that she will deliver the baby she’s carrying. The baby is not going to stay in her uterus for months past her due date or even years later.
When a couple that wants to adopt starts the process, there is no absolute guarantee that a baby will be “delivered” to them, even if they’re trying to adopt internationally and not domestically or via foster care. There is no magic adoption stork that decides to drop children in the laps of people that want them. I’ve read stories of hopeful adoptive couples being almost certain of adopting a specific child internationally and having that same adoption fall through at the last moment. To imply by use of the word expectation that there are no other humans involved and that different choices can’t be made simply because someone desires it to be so seems too simplistic at best.
When “expecting” as a term is applied to domestic infant adoption, it carries darker implications. Any hopeful adoptive couple that has done even a little research will know that the possibility of adopting an infant domestically is much lower than it was back in the 1960s (Baby Scoop Era). To say that one is expecting an infant adoption to happen says to me that the women who are pregnant and considering adoption for their babies really have no choice at all. It says to me that because this specific person wants a baby that his or her biological mother is just a gestational carrier to give her child away. I see greed and desire for a child overwhelming the greater sensibilities of the people involved when “expecting” is used.
A hopeful adoptive couple is not “expecting.” They are not “paper pregnant.” They are simply hopeful that the right paths will converge and a woman choosing adoption will pick them to adopt her child or, in the case of international adoption, they’re hoping all the humans involved will take the steps necessary to make the adoption happen.
I appreciate that Monika’s objections made me focus on the pregnant woman’s experience when hearing this term. We adoptive parents need to be encouraged to see the adoption experience from all sides, so thanks Monika.
We all know, but it helps to be reminded, that a woman cannot make a final adoption plan for her child until after birth. This is the law, and it’s also the only moral way to approach adoption. It recognizes the emotional truth that no woman (or man) knows how they will truly feel about the decision to parent or allow someone else to parent until the child is born. Monika believes that calling adoptive parents “expectant” or “paper pregnant” could be coercive or at the very least makes it harder for the mother to decide against parenting. She has a point, but in the scheme of adoption, this word choice seems to me a pretty minor pressure point.
I don’t doubt that the fear of disappointing would be adopters influences some women to go through with the adoption plan, but I think this has little to do with the words we call pre-adoptive parents and everything to do with the inherent nature of adoption. A woman or couple that is considering adoption for their child needs to thoughtfully investigate this option, preferably taking the time they need pre-birth to consider and ultimately select parents they want to raise their child. Once the adoptive parent(s) are selected, all parties should want them to start preparing to raise this child, and inherent in this process is the raising of their hopes that this child will ultimately become theirs. It is perhaps an imperfect system, but it is an imperfect life experience.
No matter whether you call them expectant parents or hopeful parents or maybe someday parents, they are anticipating and expecting the arrival of this child with joy and excitement, and they will be crushed if the mom decides to parent. Yes, they knew this was a possibility, and yes, they may well be supportive of her decision and pray for her success, but they will still experience a level of devastation that is hard to express. No word play will change this fact, and the expectant woman knows this even if all sides choose their words carefully.
Monika also believes that adoptive parents calling themselves “expectant” or “paper pregnant” is parent focused rather than child focused. She fervently believes the focus by all sides in adoption should be on what is best for the child. I agree completely, but in my opinion the feelings of expectancy by the adoptive parents are in the absolute best interest of the child.
Pregnancy is the time when obviously a child is being grown, but although maybe not so obvious, it is also a time a parent is being grown. It is a time of slowing down, focusing inward, making a space in your life for a new being (both literally and figuratively). Before I adopted, I attributed these instincts to pregnancy hormones, but now realize that nesting is instinctual to new parenthood regardless of how it happens, and to my mind that’s a beautiful thing for everyone concerned and especially the child.
Monika’s words need to serve as a caution that we need to do everything possible in adoption to allow this life altering choice to be made freely without undue pressure by the expectant couple. This is good for the mom, of course, but also best for the child. I don’t want any parent to feel coerced, and I don’t want any child to have to later deal with a birth parent who felt coerced.
I don’t use the term “expecting” much when referring to pre-adoptive parents, and since I know now that it offends some first moms, I’ll try to avoid it. It doesn’t, however, bother me when others use it. Adoption is all about having two families—one by birth and one by adoption. In this spirit, since there are two moms, why can’t both be expecting? One is “E”xpecting, and absent some tragedy will be a mom in 9 short months. The other is “e”xpecting to parent a child, and hopes that it is this child. I want both moms to be using this time to prepare and become educated on how best to make a life for this child.
What do you think?
P.S. I recommend that you subscribe to Monika’s excellent blog—Monika’s Musing. She is thoughtful and articulate. Whether you agree or disagree with her, she’ll make you think and consider a different perspective. You’ll be richer for the experience.
![Culture & Society Directory](http://www.ontoplist.com/images/ontoplist1.jpg?id=4ae8e1c93a5ac"alt="Society&CultureDirectory)
So women who ultimately have miscarriages were never ‘expecting’? They also never saw the fruit of that pregnancy, just like a woman who has a placement fall through. In the pre-adoptive realm there is so much pressure to say the right thing, do the right thing, never offend *anybody*, because if you don’t you might never be selected. We have to acknowledge the emotions of everyone else in the triad, but we aren’t supposed to feel excitement, or anger or frustration. We just want *something* to feel or sound ‘normal’, like it would if our bodies hadn’t betrayed us, why do we have to be the bad guys all the time?
I respect Monika’s view on this as well, but if we were to dopr these terms, I strongly believe that we would need to come up with alternatives. Those who would adopt need to prepare in every way as much as do parents by birth–psychologically, practically, financially, physicially. To refuse to do so denies a child parents who have gone about the process of changing their entire lives to focus themselves on parenting a child. Every child deserves to be focused on in this way–to be prepared for for who he is, what he will become and how he will arrive. It
Wow! This one really hit a nerve with me. As an adoptive mother I am so tired of this. We should use this word or that one or we should NOT use this word or that one! Our focus when adoption should ONLY be about the child! When a couple (or person) decides that they want to start a family, it usually begins for selfish reasons. They WANT a family. They WANT children. How many people go through thousands of dollars of infertility treatments because they want their own biological children or women who crave to experience pregnancy. Are these people horrible individuals because they are focusing on what they want despite there being thousands of children in this world who need loving parents? NO, they are not horrible! Everyone has an opinion. You should adopt if you can’t conceive. If you are adopting, you should adopt domestic or through the foster system, or special needs or you shouldn’t request a certain gender. I am so tired of this. Making the decision to have a family is a big one and how you go about creating that family is a very personal one.
Do I know what it’s like to be pregnant and give birth? No. And I definitely don’t know what it’s like to have to make the agonizing decision to relinquish my parental rights.) Even here I have no real idea what word choice to use because I am sure to offend someone, though that is not my intention at all.)
Then you have the whole “what word do I use to describe the woman who gave birth”. Do I use biological mother, birthmother, 1st mother? For me, the biological and birthmother are quite accurate and technically true. For me, again, the term 1st mother implies placement (i.e 1st place and 2nd place). While I know that is not what it necessarily means, that is how I feel when I hear it. Like I am secondary since I do not share my daughter’s genetic make up and I didn’t give birth to her. Is the woman who gave birth to her in 2nd place? No, absolutely not! That’s why I prefer birthmother. She is the woman who carried DD for 9 months, gave birth at home, took her to the hospital, and left her there. She is the woman who is biologically my daughter’s mother and the mother that gave birth to her, BUT I am the mother who, along with my husband, helped her catch up on all of her delays after being in an orphanage for the 1st two years of her life, who taught her how to eat after being on a liquid diet on the first 2 years of her life, the one who comforts her when she is hurt, pushes her to reach that next level, who cheers her on, who sets the boundaries and sticks with them even though I hate having to be the ‘mean’ parent. If this is not child focused ,then I don’t know what is. Yes, I wanted my daughter because I had love to share and I wanted to be a parent and we adopted because I couldn’t conceive and WE decided NOT to do fertility treatments (this is what was right for us).
Did we use the term ‘expecting’ while we were waiting? I honestly can’t remember, but I don’t think I did. We did say that the adoption process was like our version/equivalent of labor. Though, I believe that we could have use the word ‘expecting’. Why? Because we were expecting to eventually bring a child home. If you look up the word, ONE of the definitions is “to anticipate or look forward to the coming or occurrence of”. And that is exactly what we were doing. We were ‘anticipating and looking forward to’ bringing our child home while we were in the paper gathering stage, after we received and accepted her referral, while waiting for our court date so we could go back, and while we sat in front of the judge waiting for her to make the decision to make our family legally official. So, yes, in my point of view, we were ‘expecting’.
I am eternally grateful to our daughter’s birthmother because without her selflessness we wouldn’t have our daughter. Our daughter with big gray eyes that look right through you, the daughter who LOVES to learn (who craves is), who is so loving and generous and silly, who brightens many people’s days because she says “Hi!” to everyone (and I mean everyone), who belts out “Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer” at the top of her lungs in the store even though Xmas was 2 months ago. Without her birthparents, we wouldn’t have this amazing little girl in our lives.
(I apologize if my post seems to ramble. I tried to keep it structured, but my mind just seemed to jump around.).
I have said for some time now we need more language for family in adoption. Here’s my question: What do you call a mother who is no longer an expectant mom as she delievered but considering adoption but yet to sign ( so not a birth mom as used in the adoption world ) ? Yes, she is a mother but she is mother considering a deicsion to place and we need to be able sometimes to articulate it. ( without putting oressure on her one way or another to parent or place.) So she is neither an expectant mom or a birth mom ( and I agree with Rebekah on the term “first mom” and why it problematic.). I don’t want to always want to refer to that mom as “a mom considering an adoption plan” (nor do I want to type it) or decididing mom ( DM) ? I mean really what term? And by the way I can agree to not call a birth mom a birth mom if it is offensive to some, but give me another term that is not offensive to the adoptive mom. ( and recognizable to those when talking about adoption.) Actually, could we find warmer & fuzzier terms for “mom” descriptions for both birth and adoptive mom? They both seem sort of harsh. And now that so many adoptions are somewhat open or open, the birth mom is so much more and may be a very warm and fuzzy person in the child’s loife beyond birth. We need more language!
Amen, Michelle M. Hughes Atty!
Pat: [To refuse to do so denies a child parents who have gone about the process of changing their entire lives to focus themselves on parenting a child. Every child deserves to be focused on in this way--to be prepared for for who he is, what he will become and how he will arrive. ] So beautifully said, and that’s why everyone should run out and buy Adopting:Sound Choices, Strong Families–to hear more of this wisdom!
Thanks, Dawn! Amazon, of course, or http://www.perspectivespress.com/?page_id=21
Rebekah, I share your frustration with what sometimes feels like an over-focus on the using the exact right word. I don’t deny the importance of language–words absolutely do matter and they can both reflect our true meaning and shape other’s perception. HOWEVER, too much focus on correct word usage can backfire by making people hesitant to talk about a subject, which is seldom a good thing. I talked about this in a different context in one of my favorite (and most controversial) blogs–The Debate Over Adopt-A- Programs http://ow.ly/hKIyb. I told a story of a woman who took offense when someone called her son a dwarf and the resulting outcome which backfired.
Michelle, I totally agree. I usually opt for the long winded and finger tiring “woman who is considering an adoption plan”.
Thanks for the plug, Dawn.
I really appreciate your opinion on my blog.
I see your point too. A future child would definitely benefit from the hopeful adoptive parents expecting and preparing for said child (and in the case of adoption, preparing for and expecting that child’s biological family as well).
I think my point in being SO picky about terminology is that words DO hurt and stick around much longer than any scar from a physical injury, and it is my hope that whether people decide to use a “more accepting” term or not that they’ll think before they speak. I believe that it is so important to see all sides of an argument and be open to change, whether you change your opinion about the subject or whether you keep your previous opinion. That’s why I read blogs from all sides of adoption, including blogs and commentary from people that have been deeply scarred in some way from an adoption gone wrong.
I’m not now, nor will I *ever* be PC, but I do try diligently to not be offensive either. It is never my intention to harm another person’s feelings because of the terminology I use (believe me, if I’m intending to be offensive you’ll know it without a doubt). People need to grow up and realize it’s NOT all about *them* and how *they* view it. The bottom line is that it is about mutual respect, and understanding! We love our daughter’s birth mother, and if she ever told me that using that term in reference to her made her feel insignificant or insulted in some way, I would ask her why and how we could fix it, but I sure as heck wouldn’t go on to everyone else in the world telling them they’re wrong for using common terminology that isn’t intended to be demeaning or degrading. The bottom line is, you can please everyone, and some people just look for ways to be offended.
Christi, I don’t think Monika was looking to be offended. I think she was pointing out that each person in the adoption triad views the experience (and language) differently. Like you, unless it’s real important to me, I try to work around other people’s desires. And by the way, you made me giggle with [believe me, if I'm intending to be offensive you'll know it without a doubt].
I finished reading the article a little while ago and just have to add too that I disagree wholeheartedly that adoption is ONLY about the child. That’s a load of ‘unicorns and rainbows’. The fact is, I WANTED a family. I NEEDED a family and that’s what led me to meet my daughter’s birth mother. It was also about her too. AND it was about the baby. It never would have happened except for the baby who was the center of it all. Our daughter’s birth mother also asked me more than once if I was excited. She referred to the baby she was carrying as “your baby” or “your daughter” to me, and she wanted to know the hopes and dreams I had for the baby she was so selflessly growing. I believe it was a comfort to her to know that I was very hopefully expectant to be a mother to her daughter and in it 100% heart and soul. I also do not believe that calling yourself ‘expectant’ or ‘happy’ or even saying “Someday, I want for my child to..’ when talking to an expectant mother who is considering adoption. That lets her know you are planning, thinking, connecting, attached and ready for the task to parent the child already if they’re carry through with their adoption plans. It’s not anywhere near the same thing as saying “You owe me this child because I have plans and dreams for it.” Or “You HAVE to do this, because I’ll be a better parent” Or any other manner of coercion someone may use. And Dawn, I’m sorry I implied that Monika was being purposefully offended, I didn’t get that at all from what she wrote, and it was an interesting way to look at things, though I have some definitely differences of opinion. I just meant that some people are that way and no matter who we try to please they will always be and I apologize sincerely for any misunderstanding there
Glad I could give you a giggle tho!
Monika–very well said. And I couldn’t agree more about the need to be educated about how the other members of the triad might feel about any subject. We can all be so myopic that it is easy to fall into the trap that everyone sees things like we do.
And I can’t type straight today (one of those low grade migraine things going on… little pain yay! but lots of other stuff, and I don’t articulate nearly as well when I feel like this – hence the missing words and broken sentences above LOL sorry)
Dawn is right. I didn’t look to be offended. I like how she put it in her response to you.
As far as what wonder_aloud said, the difference between what hopeful adoptive parents and biological parents experience is that even if a miscarriage happens with a biological pregnancy, there are no other people directly involved. With adoption, whether domestic infant, international, or foster-to-adopt, there are other people involved. I think that though the losses can feel similar and one who has suffered a miscarriage can have sympathy for someone who has hoped to adopt and then had the situation not happen for one reason or another…and the other way around as well, to equate someone making the decision to parent or to place her child with someone else doesn’t seem quite the same as a miscarriage.
I don’t see the problem with expecting necessicarily. I think some potential adoptive parents use it prematurely possibly setting themselves up for harder waits, but that’s their business. I won’t use it for potential adoptive parents, which is what I refer to those who have begun the adoption process but aren’t yet matched. For those who have been matched I call them the chosen parents or hopeful adoptive parents.
I DO have a problem with paper pregnant and those sonogram shirts with a country inside them. But I also have a problem with husbands, partners, fathers to be saying “we’re” pregnant. No, you aren’t. Your wife/partner/etc is pregnant. Having had this discussion with my boyfriend/future father of my someday children I can understand why fathers to be use this phrase but that doesn’t stop it from making my skin crawl. For us we’ve discussed it when I get pregnant only I will be pregnant. He can say we’re expecting but we aren’t pregnant. We’ve also come up with a special title for him. He shall be known as “official pregnancy craving food gatherer”
Additionally to those who dislike first mom because of first place second place etc. I refer to my first born niece as Erste Nichte (translation: first niece) and my second born niece as ZweiteNichte (translation: second niece) not the most creative nicknames but they love them none the less. Never has ZweiteNichte become upset because she’s not Erste. Is first avenue better than second ave? A first mom isn’t first because she’s the gold medal winner, but because chronologically she was the child’s mother before the second/chosen/adoptive mom.
Just my two cents (disclaimer I am a birth mom and social worker who works in adoption just so you know through which lens this view comes.)
I can tell you from personal experience that I had 4 miscarriages, then we adopted our oldest daughter, then had our (shocking) pregnancy that “stuck” and 2 more miscarriages beyond that. I have not experienced a failed adoption (though I have experienced the faint hope of someone telling me they were considering me for their pregnancy, or knew someone who was pregnant and had an adoption plan, etc), but having experienced adoption, with all the hopes and fears wound into that experience, and experienced a very high risk pregnancy, with all the hopes and fear wound into that experience, and the pain of pregnancy loss, and the only significant difference is that I knew if the baby I was carrying was born, she was legally mine from the beginning with no legal risks… the anxiety, the fears, the hopes and joys were all very similar, just with different origins. I hope that makes sense LOL This migraine’s just wearing on me. For what it’s worth Monika, as I said in response to Dawn, I didn’t mean to lump you in to those who look to be offended – the quote she used in her post did not give me that impression of you. I was intending to speak in generalities and didn’t make that clear. Dawn pointing out how it sounded was important and I LOVE how the open dialogue we tend to have in this group
As someone who has given birth, and is now going through the adoption process, I am “expecting.” I compare this adoption to being pregnant ALL THE TIME. Aside from carrying a child in my body (and the fact that this child will come to me as a toddler), the emotions I am experiencing are the same as when I was pregnant with my son. Not only that, the process of adopting this child is WAY harder, more expensive, more time consuming, more uncomfortable, and way less fun than when I got pregnant with my son. Yes, I fully expect that this summer I will be a mother again, and I refuse to apologize for my language. I have gone through drug tests, background tests, an STD panel, and AIDS test, hours and hours of interviews for a home study…I have had people in my life, judging me and looking at every detail of my family…I didn’t have to go through any of that with my son. All I had to do was have sex and it was my “right” to be expecting to bring him home and raise him any way I wanted to…no one questioned whether I wanted to be a mother, if I was fit to be a mother, or anything else. No one did anything except support me and give me “options.” Why shouldn’t I be treated the same way now? Why should I be questioned at every turn and have to prove what a wonderful family I have, how fit I am to parent…and on top of that, you are going to tell me that I can’t even enjoy the normal language of becoming a mother again. Nope. Sorry. I’m expecting. I’m not “paper pregnant.”
Thank you, Whole Child! I didn’t have a natural pregnancy to compare to, but as for what you said about adopting I completely agree with you.
Daw-awn! *I* was gonna write a blog post on this!
Actually, I’m still going to write a blog post about this. Overall, I very much disagree with Monika and agree with Whole Child, though I don’t think that adoption and being pregnant are all that much alike. The word “expect” means: “to look forward to; regard as likely to happen; anticipate the occurrence or the coming of”
It fits adoptive parents just as much as pregnant parents.
Robyn Chittister, can you please post a link to your blog. I would love to read your post on this topic. Thx.
Well, if the pregnancy related words are offending. Maybe it’s time to invent a new word that convey this feeling of preparation and positioning toward an adoption. It seems to me that we are all trying and needing to share our stories. We have a large vocabulary for pregnancies but are maybe lacking vocabulary for adoption. We could come up with a brand new word and if enough people use it than we would have a word specific to that stage of adoption.
Robyn, I can’t wait to read your blog on this topic. The more conversation the better.
Tati, I think you are so right about the need for a better vocabulary. It is hard, however, to get universal acceptance in the adoption world of new language that everyone can agree on and then use. What would you suggest. Monika suggested “hopeful”.
just to be controversial, many women in inferitlity groups find baby showers, baby announcements, facebook pregnancy updates , etc.. painful if not offensive. Should we stop celebrating pregnancy because some are offended.
I have two biological children and I use the word expecting. If people ask how many children we have I say we have two and are expecting our third through adoption. This child lives in me just as much as the other did before they were born. Emotionally and mentally I don’t feel any different.
I also think that no matter how or why a child comes into your life you will have people who tell you to do it one way or the other- natural vs. surgical birth, breastfeeding vs formula, co-sleeping vs own room, etc. People love pushing their views on you no matter what and that totally includes the language we use surrounding our family or pregnancy or adoption. I say do what feels right for your family and I’ll do what feels right for mine. Don’t be offended because my use of a particular word (or lack of use) it has nothing to do with you. It’s what feels right for us. Just do what’s right for you, be kind and don’t judge others if they do it differently and you’ll be just fine, I think.
And I think every mother has a right to use language that celebrates the fact that she will soon be changing into a new life form, into a mother. It isn’t just about the baby. bringing a baby into our lives changes us totally. We become mothers. As mothers we learn new aspects of being every day. We learn the depths of our love and strength. We have every right to celebrate that transformation with baby showers, parties, birth announcements, and language. I think we should celebrate that for ourselves, however we want. Our entire being changes the day that baby or child comes into our arms, no matter how they come to us. However we want to celebrate that is for no one else to judge.
We never used the terms “expectant” or “paperwork pregnant”, but for different reasons than Monika outlined. As I’ve said a few times on this board, I’m infertile. I will never be pregnant, and I really do think I’m OK with that these days. (OK, almost every day) Using the language above makes me feel like I’m somehow trying to claim the experience of pregnancy, and that makes me feel just a bit squirmy. The lifebook we’re starting for our daughter describes the path that brought her to us and us to her, and quite frankly, it ain’t like pregnancy as far as I know. Besides, her birthmother has the pregnancy story, and both sides of our daughter’s origin story are rich enough to stand on their own.
There’s another side to this as well: since one of the common infertility emotional traps is to let yourself forget that when you become an adoptive parent you are still infertile, it seemed wise in our minds early on to avoid trying to equate the two paths.
As for what to use in their place…um…well, for starters it seems like anything you use with the word “parent” is fraught with the same entitlement peril as Monika outlined for “expectant” unless the person or persons already have kids. But…I think it’s hard to avoid that word because it’s so readily understood by everyone what the intention is. For our part, we used our agency’s chosen term of “waiting parents”. Gotta say, since a whoooole lot of our 2.5 year post-approval/pre-match time was spent waiting for parenthood to start, it was a pretty apt descriptor.
I do have to comment on Monika’s on being child focused. You’re right on many levels, but…I find it to be a very difficult concept to implement as a not-yet-parent. When we began this whole becoming a parent process, we started as most future parents do by thinking about how cool it would be to have kids. Nothing more complex than that, just “hey, we like our nieces and nephews, and we like hanging out at big family events with our siblings and parents as adults. Would be fun to have a bigger family, yeah?” Choosing to become adoptive parents took a bit more consideration, but it was still a decision largely driven by a desire to have kids and to share the world and our lives with them. We walked into it knowing that ultimately the decision about whether we became parents would not be ours, but would be made by social workers, a judge (at least one), and the women and men considering placing their children for adoption.
While a waiting parent, it’s very, very hard to focus on the not-yet-in-your-life child when you are also trying to not create a mystical image or expectation of what your child will look like, act like, etc. So, what to do? We chose to prepare ourselves to be generally good parents to our hoped-for future child. We asked ourselves things like: what are the practical skills we need to be competent and not break the baby or child or teenager? What are the emotional issues we need to face ourselves to be ready to be parents? What can we read, learn, discuss, attend, etc. to learn about the concerns and issues our son or daughter might face as he or she grows? What cool colors should we paint his or her room? How many different ways can open adoption work? Add to that being honest with our social workers and in our profile about who we are and being available to answer any questions that arose, and that about sums it up. We vetted our agency to make sure they were child focused so they could make ethical decisions and provide good advice and guidance to everyone involved in the process, but I’m really not sure what else we could have done from our side of things. (If you have suggestions, I’d love to hear them so we can consider building them in if we decide to do this all over again.) I’m also not convinced that simply changing the term we used to describe our status during that time would have made any difference in our approach. All the terms thrown out so far have been imperfect reflections of the mindset you’re describing, so maybe focusing on describing hallmarks of that mindset is a better way to go than focusing on semantics?
Whatever the word is, IMHO, it should come from the adoptive parent community themselves, it should not be imposed upon us by the natural/birth parent community. I am sorry, Monika, but as an infertile person who is considering adoption as one of the only remaining ways that I have of possibly one day become a parent, I find the fact that you as a natural/birth mother feel entitled to judge the language I may use to describe my journey to parenthood to be a little offensive. By the same token, I don’t agree with adoptive parents dictating the language that natural/birth parents can use to describe their personal journey throughout the adoption triad. Any and all language used to describe one particular group in a relationship such as this must be decided upon by those who will be described by that language-it should not be determined by those who are on the other side of the equation in an effort to make those individuals feel comfortable. I also find that I am personally uncomfortable with only being able to refer to myself as a “hopeful” adoptive parent without offending others because I am still at a point in the IF journey where the word “hope” feels like a dirty word-that has a tendency to happen when your hopes are built up time after time, only to be dashed by another negative pregnancy test, another failed ART, etc, etc, and I would hate to see those of us in the IF/AP communities limited to such “emotionally loaded” language by a group that is made up of people who are not infertile. If I may make a comparison, it reminds me of the debate over the definition of marriage that is still going on. As a straight person, should I have a say in what kind of language my friends in the GLBT community use to define their relationships? If for the sake of argument I were uncomfortable with the idea of my 2 gay friends calling their union a marriage (which BTW I am not uncomfortable with at all-I welcome it wholeheartedly), should I be entitled to insist that they not use the word “marriage” to describe a relationship that is theirs alone, just because it makes me uncomfortable to hear them use that language? Why should I be allowed to impose my preferred language upon someone whose experience I will never know “from the inside” as they say. I believe that any language that comes to describe any and all members of the adoption triad should be chosen by the members themselves, with an understanding that empathy for the feelings of all members of the triad must be the motivation behind everything that happens in the relationships that spring from it. I believe that natural/first/birth parents have a right to their feelings regarding adoption-whatever they are, but I also believe that adoptive parents should be granted the same right to their feelings-whatever they are-no one should be allowed to impose their feelings about the process upon the other. It’s not right for AP parents to insist that the natural/birth parents be 100% happy for them, and it’s not right for the NP/BP’s to insist that the future adoptive parents walk on eggshells in order to keep from offending anyone. No descriptive language on either side will be appropriate if it allows anyone in the adoption triad to be dehumanized in any way shape or form-each side has to be empowered to choose the language that they themselves are comfortable with, but with the implicit understanding that any and all language must be used in a spirit of empathy for the fellow human beings that are in this relationship with you. Please do not be offended by what I have said, Monika, I do not mean to cause hurt or offense. I just wanted to give my two cents worth, and I have done so. We may have to agree to disagree….
I could not have said it better than wonder_aloud and Whole Child did! (So I won’t even try!)
MJ, I’m not sure I agree entirely with your whole comment – have to think on it – but your comments on hope just reminded me of a phrase that my husband and I used from time to time: the betrayal of hope. That feeling when you have sworn to yourself that this time, this time dammit, you will not give yourself over to that hopeful feeling. That you’ll remain sensibly emotionally distant. Of course that fails miserably, hope wins you over bit by bit, and then so very, very often there is that desperate cycle of disappointment, grief, recovery, and restart. There’s a reason Hope was in Pandora’s box with the other ills: it can have a positive effect, but it’s loss…oh, how inexpressibly painful.
I just keep coming back to when I learned (I don’t know where or from whom) that no one can guarantee when and how an adoption will happen because every birth parent is different and has their own expectations and hopes and dreams for the child they’re carrying and making an adoption plan for. Some hope for large families, some hope for their child to be the only one. Some hope for rich families, some hope that their child will be provided for and don’t care about money (as such). It all depends on the life experiences, hopes and dreams of the birth mother. In our case, that we suffered infertility and miscarriages, that my husband was adopted, that we would love and adore our child, no matter how they entered our family – those are the things that our daughter’s birth mother told me helped her make the decision to choose us. The terminology we use works for us. It is common to many in the adoption community but it is what works for us.
This blog has had me thinking over the last day and I was talking to a friend who is a current surrogate mother (gs) and I asked her what term she uses with her pregnancy. She said that to her it is the biological parents who are preparing and expecting these babies (she is preparing for and expecting the birth, but not the babies, she’s not preparing herself to become a mother again) so she doesn’t say she’s expecting. She said that it’s not her place to give pregnancy announcements, birth announcements, etc because the expecting parents are the ones who get to do all of that and they can choose the language they want to use as well. They say that they are pregnant and she said they have every right to say that. I just thought that was an interesting point of view and thought I would share.
I also disagree with the notion presented here that if a fertile couple decides to have a child and to become a parent, that this decision impacts no one but themselves and their future offspring. ALL parents, regardless of what path they take to become parents, have a responsibility to do all that they can to ensure that their children grow up to become good citizens of the world that they will be a part of from the day they are born until the day they die. The actions and behaviours of these children will have an impact on others in their world, just as all of us have an impact on others in our day to day interactions in the world. If a child’s parents do not take this responsiblity seriously, this neglect will be felt by the rest of the world through their child’s response to the world around him/her. This truth applies equally to children who are born to and raised by their biological parents, not just to those who are born to one set of parents and raised by another. I just wish that those who are able to have children “the old fashioned way” i.e. outside the realm of ART or adoption, would be made to consider this truth as to how it relates to their situations before they decide to jump headfirst into the world of parenting and make the choice to conceive a child of their own. Adoptive parents are, for the most part, required to consider such truths and many many others before they are deemed worthy by others to become parents at all-why are fertile aspiring parents not held to the same high standards as those who are IF? I believe that anyone who aspires to take on the important responsibility of being a parent should not be allowed to take such a privilege for granted and consider only how such a child would impact their small corner of the world. This careful consideration should not only be imposed upon prospective adoptive parents-it should be imposed upon those who are fertile as well and who are thinking about having a baby of their own. If you do not wish to consider how your parenting skills will impact how your child(ren) will get along with others in the world, then you should be made to seriously consider whether parenting is right for you. This should be a univerally held principle applied to ALL who aspire to be parents-fertile and infertile, natural and adoptive parents alike. If I may use a tired cliche, only those who prove their ability to drive a vehicle are licensed to do so, but anyone who is fertile is free to have a baby, no matter how much preparation or conscious thought they put into it beforehand. I don’t think this is right, and I wish that ALL parents would think about whether they have what it takes to be a good and responsible parent before they are given this great privilege to carry out. I believe our world would be a much better place if ALL parents were made to live up to such high standards of parenting-it would be better for the children in their care and ultimately it would be better for the world that they (and we) are a part of…..
I think that people who think that the child should be the adoptive parent’s ONLY focus are holding them to an impossible standard. People don’t get pregnant because of an altruistic desire to help a child. And the best interest of the child are certainly not guiding the actions of people as they are getting pregnant and then feel the need to consider relinquishment. The child’s interest needs to be the priority of all adults involved in adoption. But that doesn’t mean that the feelings and experiences of either birthparents or adoptive parents will somehow cease to exist.
The process of good parenting will alway involves putting your needs behind those of your children. It’s what everyone is shooting for. But there wouldn’t be adoption if it weren’t for adults making plans for their own futures. The adult’s perspective should not be the priority, but pretending it doesn’t exist does not help anyone.
Although I can respect this birth mother’s perspective I whole heatedly disagree. It bothered me so much that I decided to write my own blog post about the subject. I am both a biological and pre adoptive mother. I feel that people are fully allowed to label and describe their experiences in what ever way they see fit. Why should the joy and excitement of growing your family be reserved for only those blessed with the ability to conceive and maintain a pregnancy.?
http://amagnifiedlife.wordpress.com/
BTW, thank you for all that you do on this website. This is the only place that I have found info on adopting older kids, and blending them with bio kids.
Dawn, yes, agreements and cooperation between a large group of people is one of the hardest thing to achieve and yet, I think one of the most important endeavor we can ever take. Even if we fail to come up with a solution, we are already successful by engaging with each other. So thank you so much for helping us be successful.
One idea I had was the word: predoption. This would be the stage before finalization but after starting the process of adoption or adopt-foster.
That way, we could say for example: “We are so happy to announce that we are in predoption!” or “This predoption is very exhausting but so rewarding.”
Just an idea. I am looking forward to hear what everybody thinks.
- Tati
Everyone is making such good points. I’m going to work on a blog post of my own, since I can’t resist adding my 2 cents to just about anything. I’ll post the link when I finish.
Brooke, I hear your point, but I think it is important to remember that gestational surrogacy (where the woman carrying the child has no genetic connection to the child) is quite different from adoption. A surrogate goes into the whole arrangement with absolutely no intention from the get go of ever being the parent to this child, and if she is smart, she has a contract to enforce this point.
Yes, of course, I just thought it was interesting to consider with respect to the language used.
And the adoptive mom could say “I’m a preadoptive mom.” That might work.
Finally wrote my blog post on this subject:
http://chittisterchildren.wordpress.com/2013/02/20/adoptive-parents-were-once-expectant-parents-too/
I like it a lot
Thanks Robyn!
Thank you Robyn!
Hey everyone, if you want to learn more about Robyn, check out the About Us section too. (http://chittisterchildren.wordpress.com/about/) It is so much fun getting to know the real people behind the wonderful comments. Who knew she was into theater and acting in her younger days.
After several miscarriages. we decided to adopt-we filled out the endless amounts of paperwork, went through the required background checks, home study visits, workshops and classes as required. Once we made it on the waiting list for our child’s home country our social workers said we expectant parents- during the 3 years we waited for a referral, we continued to attend workshops and the required home study visits to prepare for our child. We did this all so we could become parents-so yes during that time my husband and I considered ourselves expectant parents and I am not sorry for that. Our social worker even used that phrase. It is unfortunate that there are people who have a problem with that but unless you are involved in our lives or our son’s life is it really your business? No. Nor is it your right to assume that we are only thinking about ourselves and not our son. In fact that could not be further from the truth.
Maybe we could do adoption maternity shoots, holding stacks of paperwork on our bellies.
I’ve never called myself an expectant mother or paper pregnant but it’s never bothered me when others do. I think in the adoption world we tend to get too hung up on which mom is the real mom and all that comes with that, the truth is both mothers are real so it makes sense that both mothers could be expecting.
I think it’s whatever helps ya cope…. I am an adoptive mom and a twice bereaved mom. It’s personal… and in such an emotional time, must there be such derisiveness? I love the idea of the paperwork on the belly (with a pr of baby booties, LOL).
We always just said we were “adopting”, but I think a different term might have been good for me. Before adopting our son, I had seven tough pregnancies that resulted in four live births and three miscarriages. That meant that for me, even with all the paperwork, home studies, etc., the adoption process was much easier. I know that many adoptive parents have had to go through the wringer to finalize their adoptions, but that was not the case for us. (One of the questions I was asked by the agency was “Do you consider adoption a second class choice?” I smiled and answered, “I don’t have to be fat and sick for nine months. I fill out the paperwork and you hand me a beautiful baby. The downside of this is…?”) The ease actually created a problem for me though. I ended up feeling like I’d cheated somehow. My adoptive son didn’t feel any less a member of the family than the others, but when people asked me how many children we had, I hesitated to say 5, because it felt like somehow I had “cheated”. That feeling didn’t go away for me until he was about one. I think then if felt like I’d put my time in. Words have the power to change feelings, and everyone in the adoption process deserves to feel good about the process. I’m not sure about the term “pre-adoption”. To me, a “pre-adoptive parent” sounds like one that is thinking about adoption, but is not yet committed. I think I like “expectant adopter”. I think if someone just told me that they were “expectant”, but I never saw a change in their waistline, I would worry that there had been a miscarriage, and would hesitate to ask how things were coming along. More important to me than the words though, is the sentiment behind it . I can forgive almost any wording, as long as I can hear love and respect behind it.
Thanks Dawn. *sigh* I really have to update that picture…
We said we are “indefinately expecting”. Because we were. Almost 3yrs. and I think it’s a fair assessment of the situation.
My thoughts on “paper pregnancy” vs “expecting” —-I don’t care for either term. Why not just say exactly what it is “I am adopting” or “we are adopting”. As an adoptive mother myself (and failed IVF patient with 3 miscarriages under my belt) I personally wonder why people are looking for a term like “paper pregnancy” etc????? I am proud that I built my family through adption, I have no problem with saying the word outloud—in fact I’ll say it as often as I can a) because it builds awareness and b) because there’s no shame in this word. Why look for a term to substitute what we’re really doing???? We’re ADOPTING we’re ADOPTING We’re ADOPTING!!!!
Becky–{smile}. Say it proud girlfriend!
I don’t like either term – they seem to discount the biological mother who is actually pregnant. And it also assumes that you will “get” a child when in adoption nothing is for certain. I’ve seen quite a few adoptions fall through or not go as planned in recent times.
Jennifer, yep, that is pretty much exactly the point that Monika is making.
I’ve seen (and experienced) pregnancies fail as well. I don’t see how the “non-certainty” aspect of adoption should prevent someone from “expecting” to become a parent? I mean, nothing in life is certain (except death and taxes) right?
Also, the fact that you are “expecting” doesn’t mean that the birth mom is not or cannot be “expecting” too – one doesn’t negate the other. I never used the terms in question myself, but I do think its unfair to say that a HAP’s language around the anticipation of a (hopeful) upcoming adoption somehow discounts the (potential) birth mother somehow.
I always used to cringe when I heard that term “paper pregnant,” and now I know why. At what point does an adoptive parent to be become paper pregnant? At dossier submission? Upon referral? I am blessed to have been able to experience being both a birth mom and adoptive mom. They are very different in my opinion…the adoption journey is much more of a roller coaster, and involves so many more players than a traditional family building situation. Out of respect for the birth mom, I would rather hear “waiting” adoptive parent or something to that effect. It never occurred to me to use the terminology, “pregnant” or “expectant.” During my adoption journey, I had a more cautious and respectful approach to my journey. I guess from my perspective, if my adoption fell through and my daughter went to another family, did I then have a “miscarriage”? What matters most is the the child have a family, and although losing a child to another family would be devastating, I don’t think it would be fair to liken it to a miscarriage. I think the two journeys of pregnancy and adoption are VERY different and we should chose our words carefully.
Sonia, you’ve certainly seen it from both angles which adds a great deal of weight to your perspective. I’ll continue to avoid using those words, but I still won’t object when others do.
Dawn – guess I should’ve read the whole post before I commented – but interesting that I have the same take on it as Monica (without reading her blog post first).
If someone is expecting to give birth to a roll of paper towels, then maybe THAT person is paper pregnant. Otherwise, for lack of better words… cut the crap.
Expecting implies some degree of ownership. The woman carrying the child is expecting. The people waiting to adopt are waiting. People can pretend all they want that adoption is just the same as having your own kids. It doesn’t make it true. Deep down, even the people sporting these signs know it. Otherwise, there wouldn’t be this linguistic distortion going on. It’s a weak attempt at assigning equivalence to things that are just DIFFERENT. One isn’t necessarily worse than the other. Let’s all be adults and admit (and celebrate) the differences.
Wow–JavaMonkey’s response hits me like a punch in the face! For me, I don’t understand why some feel that the word “expectant” belongs only to pregnant women. It can be applied in any situation when someone is eagerly awaiting something–baby or not. I totally disagree that expecting implies ownership. Not to me; not in my dictionary. JMHO!!!!!
I agree, Lyn Wiltse Jameyson, and anyway…since when do bio mothers own their children? JavaMonkey’s logic makes no sense…expecting does not imply ownership, and when I was pregnant with my son and “expecting” him I didn’t have any ownership over him! lol!
I agree, Lyn Wiltse Jameyson, and anyway…since when do bio mothers own their children? JavaMonkey’s logic makes no sense…expecting does not imply ownership, and when I was pregnant with my son and “expecting” him I didn’t have any ownership over him! lol!
Wendy, you take the picture and I’ll post it!